Stressed Out!!

I've been reading this forum for a while, and I've seen all the women on this website get together to help each other out. I’m really hoping that I’ll be welcomed in this online family and get some thoughts from all of you on my situation.

My husband and I have been married 2 months now, prior to this we’ve been dating for 9 years (in November). So we really know each other and our families. We finally broke the news to our parents last year because we were waiting for his older brother to get married and for both of us to be a bit more financially and educationally stable. Everything went well even though I’m North Indian (Punjabi/Sindhi) and he’s South Indian (Telugu). We did have a few miscommunications during the wedding planning time, but everything went smoothly and in the end, honestly that’s all that mattered.

Post wedding, we decided to stay with his parents (throughout this whole time he’s been living with his parents) for a month and then move to our own place. Reason for this was because its tradition for the new daughter in law to step/live with the in laws. We had communicated this to the in-laws and they were very upset about this. My father in law had earlier decided that both his sons and daughter in laws would stay in this 3 bedroom house he had just purchased a few years back. But the older son ended up relocating back to India (which he’s still bitter about) and now the youngest was telling him that he was going to move out after a month. My mother in law on the other hand has not lived apart from my husband since birth unless it was a business visit that he had to go off to. Also, my husband does have a few medical conditions that has placed him in the hospital for weeks at times – so there is an extra attachment to him.

Now, when the one month was close to up, we brought up the topic of us moving again. We told them that we had found an apartment which was a 8-10-minute drive away and that were moving on a specific date as it was available then. Immediately we were found in the middle of a fight – where my mother in law was crying and saying she didn’t want us to leave and that the family was being broken apart. My father in law again stated that he wanted his sons to live with him, to save money and that if we were buying a house he would’ve felt better about the move. My mother in law then sat with us the day of the move and told my husband that after the move my Telugu learning would drop, I would be able to pick up traditions as well since I’m not presented with her doing Pooja every morning anymore and that she felt as though the family is being broken into pieces.

Now it’s been a month since we moved. We go over close to 2-3 days a week in the evening and we’re welcomed in but given the silent treatment pretty much. My mother in law no longer speaks, the last time I heard her speak to me was last week when she was frustrated that I didn’t speak Telugu yet and she couldn’t communicate with me. Last week also, she cried as we left the house and altogether is really making us feel guilty about moving. There’s no conversation that goes on when we go over. We end up (after about 5-10 minutes) watching TV for an hr and then leave making it feel like a ‘chore’ to go over 2-3 times a week, no fun at all. Last time my husband went over without me, I was told there was a huge argument at home where he was told by his parents that I haven’t learnt Telugu and that I don’t try to speak/learn it.

I personally feel as though a lot of pressure is being put on me. I have 3 jobs (2 at a hospital as a nurse and 1 at home), my day consists of cleaning the house, cooking lunch/dinner on 3-4/7 days, working on my home job in addition to attending conference calls that add up to close to 2-3 hours a day then head out to my hospital job by 2pm. I barely have time to study for something that I want to do, let alone sit and read a telugu book. My husband recently told me that he did want me to learn it, and I’ve known this for a while (nothing new) so he’s started to help test me on words I learn and pronunciation. He’s never really forced the language on me and he completely understands that it will take me time to learn. Unfortunately, his parents don’t understand this. Since I don’t speak Telugu when I go over, they’re thinking I’m not learning. The reason I don’t speak it is because I’m not comfortable with the language yet – I’m a North Indian, not a South Indian. Part of me feels like I’m being trained to be the “perfect daughter in law” which makes me put myself down even more. My mother in law wants me to call her “atta-ma”, but I can’t, I end up calling her aunty and she told my husband during the big argument that she felt as though I never accepted her and her husband as family. When in reality, I just cannot remember to say that! I call my own mum, “mother” or “mum”, not “maa” or “amma”. On top of that, yes I partly haven’t accepted her yet, because all I’ve heard about since the marriage is how I’m not traditional enough or how I don’t know the language and haven’t put in the time to learn it.

No idea what to do in this situation to be honest. I’ve close to given up because there’s no trust in me. I don’t see a reason why I need to speak sentences or words when I go over to their house to prove that I’m learning Telugu. I also don’t understand why they cannot just be happy that their son is trying to be independent by moving out. When are we going to learn to take care of ourselves if when we get home there is food cooked on the stove, laundry folded when we get home, etc etc.

Any thoughts would really help me here!!

 

I completely agree with you, it is unwanted tension or unnecessary tension that is being added on just because I don't speak what I've learnt in front of them.

Part of me is worried that one day I'll go over and say 2-3 good sentences, learn more and come back home. Next week again I'll go over but this time with only 1 sentence, that will initiate another disagreement with them. As far as I know a lot of 'guaratee'ing' has been given to his parents, from both the sons. One of them being that I will learn Telugu before the marriage (which I was unaware of). So that is igniting a fire in my relationship with my in laws. I love them both a lot, they're not bad people at all, especially compared to some of the stories I read on this website. But they're just seeing the fact that I haven't learnt yet, and any time we try to explain to them that this is not an overnight process, that it will take time they're not listening and taking it as an excuse.

 

They are awesome, I've known them for 9 years so I've seen them through a lot.

I don't take it as "degrading" to learn his language. I actually am able to understand what is being said, it's the speaking part that I cannot do because I have the North Indian/American accent so when they correct me I can see a little smile on their face which makes me very conscious.

And honestly, I love to go over to their house for poojas/Telugu holidays but I'm not the type that will do them myself. I was raised Christian/Sikh, we were not very traditional and I don't really believe in god - that's just me though. My husband as well, is same as me, doesn't believe in god/pooja but will participate at home with his mum. Hence, we'd participate indefinitely but expecting us to do a pooja ourselves I think is unreasonable especially if we do end up doing pooja, it won't be from our heart, it'll be because we're being told to do so. Just seems very wrong!

 

Psych...
My husband was born and raise in India, but came here in 1999 to the US with the parents. He is on the same wavelength as me - he was actually the one that pushed for us to get out of his house where as I was taking it a bit more relaxed. They are definately not treating me bad, it's just the expectations that frustrate me. It's not an overnight process and my MIL out of everyone knows this as she had to take English learning classes to be more comfortable in the US.