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Stressed Out...very Lonely

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rubyru, Jul 10, 2019.

  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP,
    How long you been together?

    He stayed away for many years. It might have affected bonding with you. That time how did he satisfy his physical needs. Is he watching ****. Is he addicted to that. Long term use of that for masturbation can lead to these kind of numbness and ED. Its a proven fact. We normal people are no where near to those **** stars there in the eyes of those addicted to it. The addiction can lead to less appreciation of life partner. Men are visual, its a proven fact.

    Another chance is he may be getting his needs satisfied in some other ways. It can be an emotional affair or anything like that.

    But its not good to suspect your husband that way if you dont have any evidence. But keep an eye on him.

    I would suggest you not to stop intimacy. If he is not getting peak its his problem, you don't have to scarify your needs. I am sure you might have discussed your concerns with him. Use him as your sex toy. Also keep on spending time with him. touch him often. Find time for it . You can find thousands of excuses for not doing so. But try. Sleep with him once kids are asleep. Also make sure when you are with him, you look and smells good and pleasant as much as you can. Taking some effort wont hurt.

    Dont take his comment that you are looking fat is the reason to heart. Its a very insensitive approach from his side. But ask yourself is there any truth in that. If not completely ignore it. He is simply finding reasons to ignore you. It has nothing to do with you. I really dont understand why men think this way. They want kids, only wife can give that. But then they complain about fat, stretch mark etc. They want the women to look the same all the time. Its so cruel. I think is because of lack of love and respect. If its there, there will be total acceptance. If he complain about you, you can tell him, he is not the one you married, he has also changed.

    If you think you need to reduce weight (if BMI should be between 18-24), and look beautiful, do it for yourself, not for anyone. I have noticed that in India many women wear the nightwear all the time. Throw away, replace better ones for night time only and wear good clothes/dresses that make you look confident/beautiful during day time even if you are a stay at home mom. You can go to spa or beauty parlor to groom you well. Also every morning get up and dress for you. It will also give you some confidence. Look at the mirror and say, you are beautiful every day. Focus on you.

    Dont let others words to harm you and affect your self-esteem. Cheer up girl..
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2019
    PurpleRoses likes this.
  2. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    @Amulet and @SinghManisha

    I think, we all are correct here- standing in our own shoes and thinking with our own mind- which is a product of our own childhood, young adult hood, our very own experiences and the interpretations/ learnings.

    I agree with both of you. Attractive women/ men are attractive.
    But also the beauty lies in the eyes of beholder.

    Believe me, I used to think that thin is universally beautiful till my grad school friend was being rejected in arranged marriage matches for being thin.
    I actually told her to "sit in one place" for extended period of time to decrease her metabolism rate. She did get lucky and got married early but also got divorced in 4 years, and told me her marriage never consummated.

    In one arranged marriage in one goan (very recently), the bride was fattened up to match the guy after match was fixed. She put on 15 kgs till the wedding day.

    Now, coming to my marriage, I have several SILs and one MIL :) and all were brought up malnourished (or so I thought). I can never match their thinness, because our bone structure is different and we accumulate fat differently. I bike, swim, run and can walk for several hours in sun, I also do weights. Whatever I do, I cannot be the body structure of my MIL side.

    I have been told by several men and women that I am very beautiful/ attractive.

    I used to think that my husband is not attracted to me because "several reasons" that I came up in my mind- even in early days of marriage.

    We will never have a clear vision of the other person head and especially if they are not ready to share any thing.

    The only thing we can do is to work from our own side, work on ourselves, put our best efforts with best intentions. If it works, then great and if not -work some more- or live with what we have already achieved. We only can decide when we got to stop working from our side. We shouldn't feel like victim, because it is our decision to work on things.

    It is perfectly okay to try to entice husband into couple time by wearing red, loosing weight, putting on makeup- what ever works. If he is currently less interested in marriage, it is okay to get the his attention. I don't think it is being 'anti-progressive school of thought'- to ask for a date night. It is good idea for the OP, to start taking some ME TIME, to work on herself. To be a woman, individual before the tags of wife, mother, sister, daughter, DIL. OP should also work on her marriage unabashedly, because it is hers to keep.

    We never know what goes on in other individual's mind but we can recommend steps that are universally true- as generic as- take care of yourself
    Or as specific as- wear red in bed
    In my humble opinion, both school of thoughts, correct.

    OP has to decide about her life, her path forward, we can say only what we want to say
     
  3. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Brutual truth in arranged marriages is that the bride, the groom as well as both sets of parents only fix the alliance based on 1stly the looks, height, personality along with the obvious education/earning/ horoscope/kundali milan etc etc.

    I guess that's an inevitable human nature to get attracted by looks though ultimately the purity of the heart, good character and a kind soul is what we all yearn for.

    As said in above post, beauty lies in the eye of beholder. There are men who find their wives hot and sexy even with their tummy, stretch marks, weight, dark circles etc.

    And then there are men who will find fault even with a perfect hourglass figure wife.

    To be practical, it is proven in psychology that men crave physical intimacy to love the partner while women crave for emotional intimacy to be able to make love to her partner.

    As I said before and as well as by other posters, I feel there is no harm in trying to groom yourself for your partner and to bring back some spark in bedroom life.

    Feminism is not "why should I do what men want?" Or "I can do wat he can do" etc.
    Feminism is to feel empowered and live your life on your own terms while also being considerate towards others opinions n especially in marriages.

    In marriage there is no "I" and "you". It should always be "we". Though most Indian men don't realise this concept and they only feel "we" when their bodies are naked in bed while outside bedroom their "we" includes only their parents siblings etc n last is the wife n kids.

    It takes decades for men to realise that he, his wife and his kids are the 1st family.

    *Sigh*
     
    Rihana, Sunshine04, sbonigala and 2 others like this.
  4. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    GOLDEN WORDS
     
  5. KitchSwitch

    KitchSwitch New IL'ite

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    All of those are valid reasons however they have been used as excuses by most women to not stay fit in my opinion.
    I also totally don't accept the husband's approach to just do business all his life. That's just stupid. He needs to get some life. It would be important to understand his side of the things but I think it is not possible.
     
  6. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Gross generalization here, in my opinion.


     
  7. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    This might be totally out of left field, and potentially not useful, but sex is an emotional need - for both men and women. It helps them feel connected, something that is very important to humans. For men, they may express their feelings physically, but it is still their emotional needs that they are trying to fulfill. This means there is a serious disconnect between the OP and her husband. He doesn't feel any connection with her, so I wonder if that emotional connection void is being fulfilled elsewhere or if he does have ED, that makes him insecure.

    OP, I don't know if you mentioned this before, but is there any possibility of you two having a trip together - without the kids? Even if it's for a weekend, maybe it will help create some communication and intimacy between you two. You don't even have to have sex during this trip, just something out of your normal routine and maybe includes some adrenaline - like roller coasters or ziplining.

    This disconnect is both of yours' fault, so it can only be fixed if both of you are willing to fix it. How was your marriage in the earlier days? Were you two close and did you share some special memories that you could reminisce together? Do you remember what your husband said was your best feature, or made him attracted to you? With time, of course you both would have changed, so maybe bringing back something from that past, might restart things. Don't take this as a pride issue, at least not when you are trying your best to work on your marriage. Offer him the opportunity to work on the marriage. If he remains disinterested, then you will have to reexamine what is important to you. If you are alright with this area of your marriage continuing on this path, so be it - but start working on yourself and following what makes you feel alive and happy. If he's lucky, he'll pick up on it, and he may be working on the marriage. At that point, hopefully, you haven't already moved on.
     
  8. sbonigala

    sbonigala Finest Post Winner

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    Asking wife to be fit is one thing. Asking wife to weigh certain kilos is another.

    Yes, all such men need to get a life
     
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  9. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Hope you are just joking. If her DH develops heart attack or diabetes you have helped to add additional stress on OP. Create
     
  10. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    It may just be an excuse and there could be other issues.
     
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