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Stressed Out...very Lonely

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rubyru, Jul 10, 2019.

  1. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    When hormones act up, boy and girl have no problem with mutually agreeable behaviors. However, while all the rest of the stuff you had listed go on, there has to be compensating behaviors to make up for the changes in the outward looks of either party.

    Girls who get pregnant with a husband who is not yet a friend, a confidence sharer, and number one aficonado do such a thing, because....
    • they see that as the only way to gain acceptability in the new family
    • they are not well informed about family planning, and why it is necessary in the early years of a marriage
    • other reasons that only she knows
    Once a couple of kids are in the family, and the young mother is x sizes larger than her wedding day, husband is still not such a well-known quantity, their conversations gets straight jacketed into affairs of the children, and the ever present problems with house utilities - gas, electric, water, groceries, in-laws etc. etc.

    It is all well and good to say "this should happen.... that should happen..." etc... However when reality tells a girl/mother "what is happening", her solutions to salvage her marriage does not lie in punching him, or goading him, or plead for something. OP's solutions have to be something she can put into action without any loss of self respect. That was the rationale for my prescription from the earlier post. Fatten the feller, and ask him questions about the office when his nose is in the tasty trough.
     
  2. Angela123

    Angela123 Bronze IL'ite

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    I do not think fattening the husband is a good idea! I am just worried about health issues.

    But trying to connect with the husband - that includes having conversations would help. Try to have some time alone with the husband everyday. Put the kids early to sleep, have a routine set up that a few minutes in your day is just for him. Build intimacy. Some pointers below:

    • When he is in office send him messages (check in with him about a presentation or something important,how it the day is going etc. try to remember this from the conversations with him).
    • Hug when leaving to office and coming home.
    • Cuddle time waking up and going to bed
    • Find an activity to do together (this case jump in on something that he likes to do that you are okay with it)
    • Also, do not nag him. But he nags you, just encourage, because you are the one who is trying to build connection, it might make him curious.

    Show him your love, Moreover take every opportunity that makes you closer to him! Sometimes it is the smallest things that makes the big difference.
    Meanwhile you can try losing some weight if you feel necessary.
     
  3. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    None of the following are feasible, when the husband is rude, abusive and does not understand (firsthand!) the real pain that she feels, and avoids her face . Once they are a "matched pair", they could worry abut health together, and go to the gym, go on diets etc.. and find more connections .

     
  4. Angela123

    Angela123 Bronze IL'ite

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    I dont think her marriage is abusive. She said about no intimacy. Also, sometimes people wont get fat even if they eat more calories or fattening food. I live with 2 of those kind in my house!
     
  5. sbonigala

    sbonigala Finest Post Winner

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    Abuse does not mean always hitting her and yelling at her. Abuse can also be saying hurtful words knowing very well that it hurts her. Denying intimacy because she put on weight after having 2 kids - thats abuse too !!

    Not trying to solve his issue is unfair. On top of that using her weight as a reason for his issues . - outright abuse
    He knows there is a gap. He knows she is stressing out. He is not helping !!

    OP,
    I would suggest you to stop being 100% available for him.
    Have your circle of friends. Find a hobby that interests you.
    Spend time and got for walks - fresh air helps you de-stress and relaxes your mind.
    Accept the truth that you are beautiful and if your husband cant notice it - not your problem.
    Every woman is beautiful and we dont need a pair of male eyes to validate how pretty we are.
    Once you give yourself that time and importance - you will notice that he will wait to spend time with you. We women make our men so important in our lives that we forget about ourselves.
    Trust me, men dont need that. They are capable of handling their things without us.
    Give him a chance to miss you.
     
    hermitcrab, Laks09, Sinant and 5 others like this.
  6. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Tat should be a 2 way street! It’s not tat easy to get intimate when the other person is not happy with the partners appearance.

    Even though this may not be physical abuse, it’s definitely emotional abuse.
     
    Sinant, Anusha2917, Amulet and 2 others like this.
  7. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    @sbonigala and @shravs3 , both of your responses said it all. Denying intimacy after calling a spouse unattractive is definitely emotional abuse. Can you imagine trying to seduce a man that has questioned your self worth as a woman or a human being? I consider his behavior a form of “gaslighting” : blaming the OP for failing to turn him on and claiming the marriage is “finished”. Women like to dress up for their men , but only if men are respectful and compassionate enough.
     
  8. sbonigala

    sbonigala Finest Post Winner

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    While I agree these are some beautiful romantic tips, I also feel being physical with someone (be it hugs or cuddles) is not easy when we already know they don't appreciate our physique. It feels as if we are throwing ourselves into them especially when he says that he does not find her attractive. It hurts intensely when they dont react to any cuddles and hugs.
    It is not easy. And just because she is the one trying to make a connect I am not sure if its fair to ask her to put her self respect aside and beg him for attention.

    He is getting all her attention and hence he cant be bothered trying to impress her.
    She does not get his attention. So She is craving for it.

    Why not make him seek her attention. Why should she be the one always giving and ever available and forever impressing by losing weight, sending texts ?
    OP, do whatever but be so busy that you have no time to think about his comments and his opinions about how you should look and how much you should weigh.
    Ask him to suggest some healthy recipes for weight loss if he is so keen. If at all he comes up with any, suggest cooking together (thats a way to bond, btw)

    But let NO ONE EVER tell you that you are not good enough.
    Anyone who tells you that you are not good enough deserves a high five in the face, with a chair. Remember that. And please teach this to your kids too !
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2019
  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes. To build intimacy, there should be mutual respect.
    I highly suspect he is asexual or having ED
     
  10. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Sometimes things works out when you do the opposite.

    I’m sure if OP tries to be happy with herself and if she creates her own sweet world, things will definitely start changing.
    @Rubyru Start ignoring him! Stop giving importance to him. Meanwhile focus on your personal well-being

    4E81FA50-04A7-4F7C-BC3A-2C3D3672397C.jpeg
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2019

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