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Stressed Out...very Lonely

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rubyru, Jul 10, 2019.

  1. Rubyru

    Rubyru New IL'ite

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    Hi everyone!!
    I am a new member. After lot of thinking posting my query here.i guess it's a bit difficult to open up about one's personal life.
    I am married with kids. it's been 12 years now since I got married . It's not as happy as I make it look my relationship with my husband. He went abroad after a year or two after we got married n then came back n right after 5 years or so things started to change. I could sense it but of course I could not make what's the real problem is.
    He got busy in his work n me in my kids n chores. There was no couple time ...nothing. Current situation is there's no intimacy I mean he tells I am looking fat so he's not attracted . Once in a while when intimate he can't reach orgasm. He just ask whether I am done n that's it.
    I feel this is damaging our relationship. We just stay under one roof leading separate lives. We do talk about kids n all but not like we used to. He says everything is finished between us long before etc etc...all this dialogues r stressing me out. I still feel it's because of our intimacy issues everything is affected.
    I hope I am making some sense n u ladies understand what I am trying to express. It's really truly my first time about opening up about my personal life hence a bit all over the place.
    Thanks for reading pls do reply.
     
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  2. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Som universal solutions for such problems :

    1) plan yearly /half yearly / quarterly vacation with hubby and kids. Go to a place where kids can have their time and you and hubby can get some intimate time.
    2) is he still abroad? If yes long distance relationship would be tough. You too try to relocate to his place along with kids.
    3) concentrate on your well being. Try to lose that extra weight which he is finding unattractive. Go for walks, yoga, gym etc so that you also feel good and also he's also happy with your makeover. Even if one fat it's okay dress up well. If you are working then you have a reason to get dressed everyday. Even if you are a housewife it's okay. When there's a festival or some sort of function dress up well. That may make him feel good.
    4) lastly do not forget to talk to him how lonely you are feeling in this marriage. Talking your heart out should solve 50% of the problem. Ask him what would make him happy..? If he's also interested initiate him to join gym /yoga with you so that you both are engaged in a activitity together and there's a common topic you discuss about.
    Talk about his work. Ask him how his day was. And what you did today apart from taking care of kids.

    Life can get Mundane and happens with everyone. Just put that small effort to bring that spark..
     
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  3. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Nice post @Anusha2917.
    It is totally necessary in a marriage to talk to the spouse about life outside the home. If he goes to work, and she stays home, it is even more crucial. She needs to show interest in his work, his office colleagues (& the associated gossip), and everything that she can learn about it. This is also a useful training for dealing with teenage (and older) children in later life: how to ask open ended questions (cannot escape with yes/no answers), how to remember prior answers and follow up the next day, the next week etc.. would all exhibit the required interest in his life outside the home.

    As for weight loss, I think this can be done two ways: Increase his weight by serving appropriately fattening food, while reducing her own weight. The correct weight for a girl is x kilograms below her husband's; that is all there is to it. No BMI formula needed. That variable x would tend to zero or even go negative, when there is a lot of gossip sharing conversation between the two. The cuisine has to be adjusted based on how and how much they share nonsense, laughs and have private jokes. Since the OP seems to have lost practice (or never had it), this has to begin with FOOD, and build up the conversation slowly. My prescription is ...
    • Tasty-fatty-food, and
    • open ended debriefing questions about work.
     
  4. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Women come in all shapes and sizes. Hormones, pregnancy, menopause, slower metabolism with aging : we have a million reasons why we cannot be slim and trim all our lives.
    I believe in losing weight because of health reasons, but sometimes there are other reasons besides a unhealthy lifestyle ( specially for women) where it might not be possible.

    @Anusha2917 I disagree with you here. OP’s husband has done nothing that makes him worthy of making him happy. Calling a wife unattractive because she is fat is not something a decent compassionate man would do. Denying her intimacy and making her feel less of a woman is something a cruel human being would do. More than planning a vacation , this man needs to be put in the doghouse. One cannot go for a vacation with a husband who claims everything is “ finished” because the wife does not turn him on.
    Encouraging a woman to lose weight (if it is possible ) should be done in a nicer healthier way.

    Ruby, you really need to address your husbands disrespectful behavior. You do not have to feel like you are any less of a woman because you have put on weight. Work on looking more attractive, only to increase your confidence. Get a job if you are not working. It will not only make you financially secure but also emotionally secure (secure enough to not put up with disrespectful behavior from spouse or anyone else). Once you are in a position where feel you can handle life by yourself, evaluate if you want to continue with this person.

    Women do not abandon their husbands if they are balding , have a beer belly or anything else. Your husband , I suspect has erectile dysfunction. He has conveniently put the blame on you. I wish you all the confidence and strength that you need .
     
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  5. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    I agree with you. One doesn't have to do it because husband is finding it attractive/not attractive . But one can do it for one's well being?

    yes.. Agreed on this. Probably the way I put it was not nice/healthy way and will keep that in mind :)

    While there is no one stop solution on why there is no intimate relationship b/w OP and her hubby - there are a certain changes one can adopt to improve the overall relationship/ like you and I have mentioned addressing it with him.

    And OP I apologize if the suggestions don't match your problems and if the losing weight comment was irrelevant here.
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2019
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  6. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    His not being attracted to you or not having intimacy with you is just the tip of iceberg.

    I maybe wrong here, but after having kids, most of us women neglect husbands needs while they distance themselves slowly and focus only on earning money for kids future expenses and family expenses.

    Long distance relationships affect a marriage a lot more. My 1st advice would be try to find a solution such that you both and kids stay together in same house. Either you shift to his place of work or vice versa.

    2nd tip, yes I agree that looks shouldn't matter for physical intimacy but let's face the reality... Men or women, both need to maintain healthy lifestyle and dressup for each other sometimes atleast to ígnite the spark once in a while to keep the romance and passion alive in marriage.

    Whether you lose weight or not that should be a decision you take to keep yourself healthy and fit.
    But weight is just a number and that shouldn't stop you from wearing sexy clothes in bedroom to spark your romance.

    There is nothing wrong in grooming ourselves and getting ready for our husbands.
    Don't indian married women love that?

    But him calling you fat and unattractive was in bad taste. You should tell him how it hurts you but be wise and chose the words carefully.

    Assertion without raising voice or blaming is the trick. Very difficult to apply though. I'm still learning.

    When he is away from you, send him flirty text messages, some naughty messages or couple memes. It may or may not work but no harm in flirting with your own husband! :p
     
  7. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Whenever a husband is not interested to get intimate with his own wife.... I somehow feel scared and hope he is not satisfying his needs outside home.
    Physical intimacy creates a strong emotional bond between husband and wife. Its not just about the deed. If it's not there in marriage, the relationship kindof becomes like friend without benefits or like roommates living under same roof.
     
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  8. Ramyarc

    Ramyarc Silver IL'ite

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    :clapclap: That’s the spirit! Totally agree
     
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  9. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Finest Post Winner

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    Every aspect of a woman's life revolves only n only pleasing a man. Why get married even or rather have a pre-nuptial contract so that you can milk a hefty amount when suddenly H's start finding their Wifes unattractive. She'l have money and some other guy out there will find her attractive whatever way she is. Seriously, staying single seems to be a better option.
     
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  10. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Finest Post Winner

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    Punch him :smash2:
     
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