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Stress In Family, How To Calm My Mother And Sister

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by sanjuruby3, Jun 16, 2017.

  1. Naari

    Naari Gold IL'ite

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    "The girl works all day only to come home and find her mother taunting her for refusing to take on household responsibilities. No wonder she retreats to her room."

    Do you know them personally Umanga? I ask because I don't seem to find the above in the OP's description. Am I missing something?
     
    Sandycandy likes this.
  2. Sunburst

    Sunburst Finest Post Winner

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    Oh, the bitter truth is no mom or MIL has ever given up control or power . And this I am talking about India. It's something so deeply ingrained in them that it will be foolishness on our part to even hope for it.

    The solution lies in how we handle them or the situation rather than trying to change them .
     
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  3. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    I am saying this for the benefit of the mother, not the child. As the OP said her sister is young and shall be fine. It is the mother who is crying and crying.
     
  4. ashneys

    ashneys Gold IL'ite

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    I am wondering what your / your moms expectation is here.

    Your sis to work around the house after her job despite having maids? And since your mom has her right way of doing work (like many moms n mil's), your sis is never gona get it right either. That's gona add more drama.

    An engaged gal is of course gona be talking to her fiancé. She's working and coming home, she won't be able to talk at office, only at home.

    If talking to her is the issue, you can ask your sis to spend one hour a day with mom talking, walking, watching tv - no chores. Tell your sis nicely, that you will be married off and can't spend time like this again. Demanding will only increase tension.

    Whatever you have mentioned about your sis, is just like any kid at her parents house. Regardless of age, Moms n daughters always have dramas, aren't you having with your daughter? Didn't you have it when you were a teenager or before marriage? But the love is always, always there.

    I think your mom is getting the wedding jitters because it's tough to let the kids go, especially the last one. She would be scared of the silence and loneliness it may bring. All that crying, sudden demands and wanting to talk is happening because of it.

    My mil n fil had done the same thing for my bil too. 70 year old man running to get snacks for my bil. My mil waking at odd hours to make food for him and pack food too. It's not a boy- gal thing. He's been trained to cook for himself too. But still they do. No one is forcing them to do, they can always not do it. But there are some things that parents does beyond others understanding.

    Your sis is anyway gona face her own share of drama at her in laws and her marriage. Her whole life is gona change and will carry that family burden on her shoulder forever like us. Why not give her a break? It's just a few more months. Then anyway she's gona be out of the house and its one less person to cook.

    Regarding your mom, it's hard to change a person like that and at this age. You yourself would understand how hard it would be to go through all this on a daily basis. Just listen to your mom and pacify. Don't listen to her and jump on your siblings. She just needs someone to say "ya ya, you are right." Your mom just sounds scared to me with all the changes. Can't blame her, it's a normal reaction. Just be there for her. And explain to her that once all the marriage excitement calms down, she's gona be regularly talking to your mom too.
     
    blissofmylife and sanjuruby3 like this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Your mom's expectations are wrong here.
    She can very well get the service from the maids instead of expecting her working daughter to help doing chores at home.

    At the same time, her old age, controlling nature, and preconceived notions about maid, who should do the chores in house etc... can never be changed. So, it is important to accept her or ignore her stubborn behavior.

    On the other hand, your Sis is wrong to expect home cooked food from mom despite of knowing her age and sickness. She is wrong to expect elaborated meals like eve snacks from an elderly women. Also, it is wrong to send a very old man (dad) daily for snack shopping.
    If she wants snacks, she can cook them, shop them or skip them. She is taking her parents for granted.

    It is important to give company to elders and share emotionally with them. Your sis fails it seems.

    Ask mom to cook or do whatever at her home if that makes her happy. She is old enough to know when to work and how much to work unless there is a force.
    She must decide whether to cook today or eat out or let the maid to work.
    Many old moms prefer to stay active to feel alive and wanted.
    Staying idle can emotionally kill them.

    But they should have the freedom to decide when to take rest. Looks like your sister has become a burden to them. Her expectation of home made meals, and snacks are way too much/ This forces your mom to work despite of her health issues. That;s why she expects help from your sister.

    Ask your sister to eat out when mom decides not to cook. Your sis should do that without showing disagreement.
    Your sister should encourage mom to cook less and take rest.
     
  6. Rampuri9

    Rampuri9 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    Note - i have not gone through all the responses but just telling my opinion based on my experience.

    I go through similar situations at time at my mom's place.. My Mom's complaints are almost similar - says sis doesnt wake up early to help, will not cook, etc etc I try advising my lil sister abt my moms concern over phone and be the villian. Finally when I go home and see that they both are just fine. My mom cooks and feeds all her fav dishes ..my sis has all of them without any guilt and happily goes to office and comes back. My Mom will be ready with some snacks or coffee for her. They are happy - they know each others opinion/expectations/plus/minus and they just manage - they might not be totally happy though.

    after few of these sessions - I understand that my mom relieves herself by telling all the stuff going on at home .. I just need to listen - give her some +ve advice like - don't over pamper your youngest daughter, let her know her responsibilities, it will diff after marriage, you cannot spoon feed her, dont encourage maids, if they dont do their work- make them do, take care of your health first -- all these in a normal tone.
    To my sis - I always tell once you get married your honeymoon period ends, so take up responsibilities, and listen to people so that you get used to this kind of lectures. Don't ask me later why you didn't tell me/ guide abt all these before itself.

    They will be fine --dont worry. keep a check on them. listen to them. give advice.
    Younger ones will not realize responsibilities that soon:)
     
    sanjuruby3 likes this.
  7. Priya4oct

    Priya4oct Gold IL'ite

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    Umang not sure where are you based in. But I never heard if people ask such kind of question ..we have many friends in office who live with family (either with spouse or parents) and don't bring lunch and have lunch in office canteen, but never heard any one questioning why they did not get it?

    OP,
    Let your mom and sister handle it..from my perspective, both are correct from their view. Mom is 70 year old, hence definitely need help. Sis, work long hours in a day, must be tired by EOD to contribute on house hold. The only solution, I can think of a reliable maid. Can you check for some agency maids? You can ask your sister to search at least for a good service agency/maid and monitor them on weekends. In my society, I had seen couple of families (where parents live with son/daughter) have hired agency maid and they are more reliable/regular than random maids. Reason is agency take their responsibility.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2017
  8. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    OP, as you are away ,you will feel bad listening to all these complaints. It is better not take it to heart. She may be just relieving her stress by talking these to you.

    Let them handle it themselves. It is better not to interfere. I feel that they are ok there. You can talk positively to your mom and give some suggestions, but don't point out any of her mistakes. Same way to your sister. When we talk over phone we should try our best to talk nicely, as even smallest factors appear in huge dimensions. If we talk the same in person , we don't feel that way

    You cannot go there and help mom. Only thing you can do is bring some happiness or positive thinking in her mind through your words

    I had similar experiences in my life with mom . Not exactly the same problem. But I will think over what she conveyed and will spent sleepless night. Next day when I call they are fine and they don't have issues.

    So take it lightly.. your sis will soon be with her ils and she wont get this luxury.. that time she will realise the value of her mom
     
  9. Sunburst

    Sunburst Finest Post Winner

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    you talking about something so impossible (giving up control) so the question of whom does it benefit doesn't arise.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2017
  10. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    May be your mother is worried about your sis future after marriage. If she continues to be like this , like expecting dabbas and snacks ready to eat, her mil won't be happy.

    So you could advise your sis to spend some time in kitchen no matter what and help mom, so that she could have a smooth life after marriage.

    Your sis is also in a tight spot as she also has to speak to her fiancee.
     

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