1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Summer Activities for Kids in U.S. Checkout New and Interesting Ideas Kids will Enjoy!
    Dismiss Notice

Stress In Family, How To Calm My Mother And Sister

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by sanjuruby3, Jun 16, 2017.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    828
    Likes Received:
    251
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi

    My sister is engaged and working and lives with parents. Now my mom is very old (70+) and weak. Brother and me lives far. She does not go out much and just cooks for everyone and does other work.
    They have maids but you know how maids bring in headache too. They use her mild nature, age and steal and do not work too. Inspite of paying, mom works with them in the kitchen and or reduces work for them but doing 90% of dishes herself, cleaning clothes or home and also feeding them. Now mom expects same my sis to do same amount of work and if someone, tries to talk to her like 'doing less work', she gets high. She does not have any energy to do all this but won't stop and also will want others to do same. Outside home, she is v polite and submissive and can not ask or get others to do anything for her. People/neighbors literally use her like 'go to market with them' when she can not walk.

    Maids do not take her seriously like skip days, work and won't come , take back and some times leave some tasks. My mom gives them extra food and money but you know..

    Now its been my sis and my parents living for some time and my mom does most of the work. Mother cooks, cleans, packs lunch. Mother wants sis to do household world and they argue a lot. Because my sis does not have that much patience and chores in India are just too much and mom then keeps pushing ( I know that).

    I think my sis does lot of work too but at this age of my mom, they get very stubborn and being care taker of home, mom ( most women, my MIL is worse, I am same) wants things to be done in this way, that way.

    Once mom had surgery, and sis did not do much work and she keeps telling me. I know mom anyways wd not have stopped from doing chores but at 1 point, sis refused probably, so mom keeps telling me that.
    This time they had big drama. Mom packs lunch for sis in the morning and she does not help. One day they had fight and sis said, I will cook for myself, you can not cook for me (1 person). In the evening also, what special dishes you cook for me. I have to find snacks for myself etc. In the evening, sis comes home, always sends dad to bring snacks.

    Now she is engaged and mostly on phone or self caring/attending, that bothers mom a lot. She needs someone to speak to her always.

    Now I tried to talk to sis and mom on phone, mom you do not have to cook lunch everyday. 1/2 /week she can eat out. I think sis does not like to spend her own money on food. She likes to spend on clothes/fashion.
    I tell, mom is not your maid. Even I do not make snacks/water/tea for my H when he comes home. Unless he demands or he picks himself usually. Lower your expectations.

    But my mom is crying and crying. Sis is younger and will be okay. She will talk to her fiancee and will be fine. But what about mom. What do i do to calm them or control them from fighting. It is just couple months she will b married away.
    They call me and I, here, 1000s miles away, lose my balance when I have my own daughter making me crazy.
     
    Loading...

  2. Naari

    Naari Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    129
    Likes Received:
    208
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Wow! I think your sis needs to change her attitude here. She is a grown up and working and making her money. She should be cooking food for her own dabba or eating out. She can't expect your 70 yr old mom who had a surgery to do that for her. Also, why does your dad have to go to get snacks for her at his age? Can't she get them on her way back home? Also, from what you describe, she seems to be a self absorbed person, busy with her own stuff/phone/things. Maybe you can advise her to spend more time talking to your mom/ giving her company, considering she is going to marry and go away instead of giving her such a hard time.
     
    Sunburst, Sandycandy and vaidehi71 like this.
  3. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    298
    Likes Received:
    270
    Trophy Points:
    125
    Gender:
    Male
    ............
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2017
  4. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    298
    Likes Received:
    270
    Trophy Points:
    125
    Gender:
    Male
    But isn't the mother also giving her daughter a hard time? She is going away in a few months to another household, shouldn't her last few months in her own home be filled with peace and joy? Is she not entitled to home-cooked meals if she is working all day outside the home? On top of that, if the daughter tries to help, her mother doesn't like it because things are not being done exactly the way she wants them to be done.

    The fact of the matter is that the mother is no longer fit to carry out the household chores or oversee the running of the household in general. She needs a bahu to boss around and train but her son and DIL live far away. The father obviously is not going to take over things like buying groceries or hiring maid because he is old and a man. Daughter is busy in her own life. There is nothing to be done if (a) there is no member of the household overseeing these things and (b) a reliable servant who can be trusted to do these things properly.

    This is a transitional period where everybody shall have to adjust. Who shall the mother blame when the daughter has moved out? The situation shall remain the same. Maids shall still take advantage of her. Neighbours shall still take advantage of her. One shall not be able to blame the daughter then.

    The daughter should try and ease the burden by creating as little work as possible. Eat out or order out (not very healthy but what to do?). Both sides are at fault and both sides are being taken for granted. Once the daughter is running her own affairs and her own household, she will take an active interest in these matters.
     
  5. Naari

    Naari Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    129
    Likes Received:
    208
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Umanga, did you delete your first response, where you mention that you wonder how her sis will make it work with her MIL if she was acting this way with her mother? Looks like you just had an opinion flip. What happened?
     
    Sandycandy likes this.
  6. Naari

    Naari Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    129
    Likes Received:
    208
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Umanga, I beg to differ & still stick with my opinion. OP says her sis likes to spend money on fashion but not on food. Well, she has that discretion, but she cannot make her mother suffer because she chooses to spend on clothes and not buy her own food and she is free to do that if she prepares her food/dabba on her own. She can't dump her duties on to her parents. Also, I felt sad because OP mentioned that mother loves someone to talk to her and that OPs' sister is always busy with her own stuff but wouldn't talk with her mom. Yes, mom needs to less rigid for sure, but other than that she seems like a super hard working woman and I think it's the sis who is at fault here based on OP's description.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2017
    sindmani, Sunburst and Sandycandy like this.
  7. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    113
    Likes Received:
    156
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    If your mom is 70+ I assume dad is even older. Why is he having to get snacks for your sister ? Your mom is getting old and tired of all the chores, the least that your sister can do is help her out. Have a talk with the sister .
     
    sindmani, Sunburst and Naari like this.
  8. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    298
    Likes Received:
    270
    Trophy Points:
    125
    Gender:
    Male
    Yes, I deleted my first response because it was flippant and said in jest.

    As you recall, it asked the daughter to drink Soylent and SupermealX.

    Reading the OP's post and your post again gave rise to a serious response within me which I wrote.

    I deleted my flippant response because it would detract from the seriousness of my main response.

    Hope that answers your question Naari.
     
  9. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    298
    Likes Received:
    270
    Trophy Points:
    125
    Gender:
    Male
    I agree that the sister should spend on food and not clothes. Food is the priority and if she is struggling to get good food at home she should get it outside. It's a tragedy that a young girl living at home and working hard all day cannot expect a decent meal at home when she gets back.

    And you must remember, this is India. People will start asking questions if she does not bring food from home or starts eating outside frequently. That's just how it is.

    Having said that, she needs to be considerate of her parents. If they can't provide her food, they can't provide.

    I don't think there is any solution to this problem quite frankly. The mother is old and weak, unable to do the work yet still doesn't want to give up control and power. If she gives up control and power I am sure the young girl can find and appoint a half-decent maid from an agency. The key is giving up control and power which the mother is unwilling to do.

    Conversation is a two-way street. You cannot force conversation on your child if she is unwilling to have it. The girl works all day only to come home and find her mother taunting her for refusing to take on household responsibilities. No wonder she retreats to her room. This is how children are today. If the mother wants somebody to talk to, she can talk to her husband. If she wants to talk to her daughter, let her give up some power and control over the house, let the daughter decide the maid who is hired, then watch the daughter open up.
     
  10. Sunburst

    Sunburst Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    73
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    It's a tragedy that a grown up well earning , independent , soon to be married lady doesn't get food at home after she comes back home ?? A lady of her age is well capable of eating outside or managing her basic necessities herself .

    That being said , sometimes women who are used to controlling household like OP's mother don't get along well with anyone be it maids , daughters or DIL. No matter how much work someone else does , they will always be unhappy or find faults with them. They are set in their ways and its impossible to please them . It's quite normal for parents at that age to complain about everything under the sun and they also feel quite lonely. So what should the daughter do ? First of all, it's downright rude to just come home and get busy on the phone and not interact with parents at all. She should also try and contribute by helping with whatever she can around the house and just ignore her mom's complaints. It won't be too long when she will be married and busy with her own household . Only after she moves out , she will realize how entitled she was in her own house and she will miss these precious days of silly, mindless bickering and fighting with parents . Those days never come back !!
     
    Naari and Sandycandy like this.

Share This Page