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Strange problem - cannot think of a workaround

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by bukbuk, Jan 8, 2012.

  1. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    Am sure you wouldn't have come across a weird problem like am facing currently. I will be interested to know if someone can come up with a solution.

    Im married to the guy I courted for about 3 years; with slight resistance from his mom however, that's not the issue now. My dh had worked in the US for a couple of years when i met him first, has a very modern outlook, quite outgoing and got his mom agree to our intercaste wedding. His dad passed away long time ago, mom is a graduate and works in a bank. He has a younger sis who was married many years before me. My dh, me, his sis and her h, all are s/w engineers working for reputed firms.

    My sil has been a bit weird from the beginning. She is totally engrossed in spiritual things, keeps visiting gurus all over the country. Few months ago, I heard her telling my dh that she is trying to awaken kundalini serpent, whatever that means.

    Couple weeks ago, she paid a visit to Dakshineswar. After her return, my mil called dh and me to her house. Thats were i saw the biggest drama take place.They had arranged a seance kind of thing, where my sil apparently gets possessed by Kali!!!! My mil also made her h and my dh take her blessings. Luckily I made an excuse and escaped.

    Am so shocked by this huge drama. My dh believes this drama wholeheartedly, and probably also understand what I think, so since that night there's a cold battle of unspoken words between us. Am appalled such things happen in this age in highly educated families like my dh. Although I always knew sil was a bit weird I didn't expect shed go this far.

    Not to forget, I love my dh dearly, and have no other issues with mil,sil whatsoever.

    But how do I keep myself away from this new drama?
     
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  2. rissy

    rissy Silver IL'ite

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    I can understand where you come from and how much this is irritating for you that your dh believes in that crap. As far as your sil is concerned, sounds like she has some issues, or maybe she is in dire need of attention and she is doing all this drama to make people believe in her crap. Don't worry, its her problem, not yours. If they force you to support/believe her then, if work is going on by making excuse and escape, just do it, or tell them clearly that I don't believe in all this and pls don't expect this from me to any kind of worship or keep faith in this. Keep me away from this. Also talk to your husband in calm manner and tell him how you feel about it. Try to make him understand (though don't push him) calmly that you are educated and living in 21st century and this things are out of world. Tell him in a calm manner that his sister sounds to have some issues which is needed to be addressed and it would be better if she sees some Councillor.
     
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  3. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Ok what ever your sil does it's her life.
    You don't trust and believe in her spiritual act than theirs nothing wrong in that.
    Just like how you have right to believe in what you want same way your h has his right too.
    So why are you both having cold war. Just leave what happened at mil's place at mil's place.
    As long as you and your h are not trying to change each others belief than both of you will be fine.
     
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  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    what is the wierd problm here I didnt get it?? what your SIL does and how your husband beleives it is none of your problem right???

    Am I missing something here??? your husband didnt force to bow down to her sister (when she had kali on her) or what ever it is....so why are you making a big issue out of whatyour husband or your FIL did with all this or how your SIL behaves or does with her life....

    pls dont try to control your SIL or inlaws life....you do what is your business and take care of your family i.e your husband and your self....if he wants to beleive his sister..let him. as long as they are not forcing you....it shouldnt matter what is happening in your inlaws house or SILs life.

    Dont have a verbal conversation of oponion over this iwth your inlaws or SIL. just tell your husband what you beleive/not beleive and leave it there. (That too only if he questions you or pushes you to beleive.) dont make issues out of nothin if he is not pushing or forcing you to do things
     
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  5. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    I think you should just give excuses and stay away. Faith and religious beliefs are tricky things.For atheists, the whole concept of religion and god do not make any sense. So all believers are superstitious people for them.To each his own.
     
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  6. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    Well, for me the shocking part is...it's a realization for me in terms of what my dh's belief is. It's kind of an eye opener, and I can't believe I had no clue about this although I have known my dh for almost 7 years now.

    I always knew there's lot of love between two of them as they lost their dad at a young age and I have no issues with that...he also used to speak to me about her interests (deeksha, meditation,kundalini) once in a while in a casual manner. And i was okay with all that. But now after the drama in her house, and my dh's nodding to that... That's really a bit too much for me to digest. I know he can believe whatever he wants, but this seance, and Kali all that? Really? I have started feeling I have not really known my dh well at all :(

    Am also worried that although I can keep myself away from this for time being, it might become 'my business' soon. Since it's my family! Am married into this family, and we are a normal family otherwise with no complications, so surely I don't know for how long I can keep myself disconnected.

    I find it embarrassing to discuss this with my family, my parents, my relatives too. They are not just educated but very rational too. Am sure they are going to find out soon, for all we know, my mil might just call them and invite for the next performance. They are going to ve shocked as well, however, am sure they are going to withhold their expression in front of my mil.

    I'm also not sure how am going to keep up my relation with my sil. We aren't the best of friends or anything obviously because our interests are so different anyway, but there was a certain warmth between us all this years, and lot of mutual respect. But after seeing her in her new form, I feel she is not the same person I have known. We haven't spoken since the drama and I have no idea how can I start a conversation.

    Maybe I should talk about my feelings to my dh, but I have strong feeling he will be hurt. Or he may just retort and leave me hurt. I don't want to create a storm in my peaceful ocean.
     
  7. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi dear, I can absolutely understand your feelings .I think you were just shocked about all these things.But at the same time, I don't think there is much you can do about this.Just leave it and move on.Feel happy that they didn't make you bow down to your SIL.So like Srividhya said, it's their problem not yours.
     
  8. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    I think seeking spirituality, deeksha and Kundalini power is very common for someone who has intense interest in those things. I completely agree with you that setting up a show as though someone is possessed and everyone seeking their blessings and so on is definitely stretching it too far. But summarily rejecting all of your SIL's action would only make your DH get hurt. There is nothing wrong in her seeking spirituality. Some seek it at young age and it could be because of her prior life background. Please do not summarily reject any of those longings as it is not a correct thing to do. However, you have every right to tell your husband that while you appreciate her interest in spirituality, you are not keen on taking blessings from a younger person pretending as a Goddess. You can even tell him that you are happy about her spiritual interest but not her show. As a matter of fact, you should stop him from participating in such things as it would take him in a wrong direction. Please tell him someone who is seeking spirituality will put a lot of discipline in place and would certainly avoid any show in particular. They would prefer to be left alone and try to understand who they really are.

    I am of the humble opinion that if married life is only for discussing pleasant things and not difficult subjects, then, it is a wrong model. Being a devote wife, you need to be honest and tell the truth to him. He could be upset for a while but true love would always prevail. He will understand that you are rationale in what you were saying.

    Regarding the feeling that you had not understood your husband well, please resist that feeling. Even after 50 years, you could still find something new in your husband. That makes everyone's life thrilling. You have to understand that life is evolving for everyone and it is not your lack of understanding.

    Good luck.

    Viswa
     
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  9. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    If this is bothering you then you should discuss this with your parents. Their reaction might turn out to be quite different from what you expect. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to discuss this with anyone. You might actually end up educating yourself.
    It's all about faith. There are lot of educated people who are into kundalini awakening thing. I am not sure how this helps them and more importantly I don't know how I would react if I found out that my DH is interested in all that. But my guess is I would be curious. I think you are in a state of shock. My suggestion would be, have an open discussion with your DH and may be even with sil and mil, not about how appalling all the seance thing you find, but about what it is all about and why he(they) believes in it. Be curious but not judgmental. If the whole thing is not affecting your life, let them do what they are doing. If you don't want to be a part of it, just tell them so.

    I would like to add my experience about this. This Devi thing used to happen in my ILs house as well. Not as a performance though. My DH's GM sometimes suddenly behaved strangely, speaking loudly and saying things that she usually didn't say. And everybody would say the devi has appeared and bow in front of her and take blessings. I found it all quite amusing. But then my Ils are not educated and I don't think my DH believed in it but he followed the custom because he didn't want to upset others. So, just be open with the whole idea as long as you are not being forced into it.
     
  10. sindura16

    sindura16 Bronze IL'ite

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    I can understand what u r feeling...

    I really don't get why people who r educated sometimes act as foolish as ur dh right now...i know couple of familes who r bending head over heels to one baba...and put all their savings n energies for that baba n his service...I think if that energy is put some where else.iam sure they will go places....

    anyways you don't have to fall for that drama...just tell ur husband that u respect him and his family a lot but not these kind of dramas...
     

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