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Story of girl with no direction of what to do and where to go??????

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by priyanu, Feb 2, 2012.

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  1. priyanu

    priyanu New IL'ite

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    My sister is married for 5 years.she has a 4 year old son and a daughter of 8 months old.
    The problem started from the settling of the marriage itself.They kept on demanding for different things as dowry and use to speak in an abusive language.On the wedding day also there were many problems.After the wedding both use to fight and most of the fights will be related to the dowry or abusing my family in different manner.we kept quiet and after 3 months when she was pregneant then her husband suddenly left her at my parents house and gone.My father took my sister,went to them and talked to the entire family and the fights stopped for some time and they came to usa on job visa.
    My sister's mother-in-law came to usa for helping with the delivery and their fights started again.There were physical abused her in her pregnancy.He use to torcher my parents by calling my parents at mid night by telling that i have beaten your daughter and i don't know if she is still alive or not.The process went on and she delivered a beautiful baby boy.
    with this suffering she did suicidal attempts also.Her mother-in-law took the took the baby away and came to India forcibly saying that my sister will harm her baby.She didnot let my parents also to meet the baby while his stay in india.
    they became normal for sometime and his job tensions started and they were laying off people.so he sent my sister to india and in the meantime he found different jobs and atlast found a good job.Now he is on H1 status.He came to india and got the stamping and my sister is on H4.
    They went back to usa with the son.
    After sometime he started his torture again when she became pregneant and she had to do 2 abortions in a row and now the new type torture is for her to get the job.She tried very hard and did two short term jobs also.in the meantime she was pregneant again with the baby girl and she was working .she stopped when she was around 6 months.
    My mother was with her this time for the delivery.she delivered a baby girl.He use to say bad words to my mother also.she was with them for nine months.My sister started working again after two months of baby's birth.My mothers visa expired and she didnot get the extension and she had to leave.she took the baby at 6 months and came to india.The fights were going on and on when she was there and after she left.
    My sisters husband one day suddenly said that he had to go to india as he has some office work.He built a house recently in hyderabad by taking loan and we helped him a lot by giving him money.He didnot even return half of the money after two and half years.so he said he will be doing the gruhapravesha and also finish office work when he is india and he took the son and went to india.He left my sister alone in usa saying that she recently joined the work.
    He asked one my sister's male friend to stay with her even upon her saying no.My parents asked him how come he is forcing the person to stay at home knowing their soninlaw's nature and he just shoo them off.
    Her husband started a friendship with a lady in the train on which he usually travels.she is in the process of divorce with her husband.both became so close and we dont know yet if they have a physical relationship and made plan to divorce my sister.He started torchuring her for every small thing.
    When he was in india the husband of the girl with whom my sisters husband is now having the affair came to her and told her everything.He asked her to accompay him to show the proofs.
    But my sister took it lightly and never paid attention to what he is saying.She called her husband and mother-in-law in india and told everything what the girls husband to her.
    and he acted so nice to her and she said ok.Later we came to know that he travelled to India with the lady.he didnot have any office work or anything.He left the boy also in India and came back after a month.He started acting even more abusive.
    He started recording their fights.She didnot know that he was doing this.He make her to shout at him or start the fight by telling different words and she used to fight.
    This went on for two months and parents kept getting calls.we totally forgot about his illegal relationship in these fights.My sister contract finished and she was staying at home.
    If she ask him to take somewhere he will tell to take her male friend and go and she protests as why she has to go with somebody else he will say nicely that she need to have friends.
    she used to call my mother and tell that he is planning something against her.
    She started suspecting him as he used changed the passwords for his e-mail,cell phone.
    He used to delete the complete call history by the time he reaches home.He used to close the laptop when he sees her.He became over protective and even she touches anything he will react very badly.
    One day they went to a movie and he went out saying he will go for rest room.He didnot come to 20 mins and my sister also went to rest room and started waiting for him outside.After sometime she started hearing her husband talking with somebody and laughing.She waited for sometime and pushed the door and as soon as he saw her he was startled.he said he called his mother.My sister called his mother and she said that she didnot get any call from him.He was caught once again.still she forgave him and we all convinced her that may be she is just a friend.
    He was ok for 2 days and the fights started again and he called my parents and said that your daughter is maintaing two guys here.He is was stating one is the girls husband who he is having affair with and the other one is the male friend.My sister met the girl husband only one or twice and she didnot eve go with him to see the proofs.She dont even have any contact with him.
    And her friend with whom she dont have any relationship and he was talking all nonsense.
    she was tired and frustrated .her husband booked a psychraitric appointment and he took her.
    She told everything to the doctor and the doctor told my sister husband that he will have to build confidence and to take good care of her and she dont have any mental illness.
    He started cursing her as to how can she say all this to the doctor and if she have an affair with the doctor.He hit her and broke a cup on her head and went out of the house.My sister waited until midnight for him to come back and he didnot show up.She asked her friend to accompny her and went to the girl house to make sure he is not there.she just talked to the girl and came back.
    He husband came back and she told him that she went to the girls house and again he started his abuse.this went on for another one month.She used to be afraid if is going to be evening not knowing what is in store.All family was suffering.
    One day she gathered strength and took a bold step to find out why is her husband behaving like this.She put a cell phone recorder and fixed it under his seat.As soon as he went inside the car he called the girl he is having the affair and talking to her very sweetly.
    My sister let us all hear the recorder along with his family.He was in the office at that time and he told her he was coming home.All his family persuaded him to come to India as now the matter became very serious.He said okay and by evening he bought tylenol tablets and put them in his packet and came home.When he was at the station only he didnt come home he called his mother and told that my sister is not at home and she went away with somebody and that is why he is taking the pills.My sister was at home only and he was telling them all lies as he was caught.He cam home, went inside the bathroom and took the pills.My sister was afraid and calling everybody as he was refusing to come to hospital.Atlast he went.He started abusing her again.
    His family ignored the tape conversation and everything and started blaming my sister for the tablets he has taken.
    His family flew from canada.They tried to prove that my sister has mental depression and the doctor certified that she has nothing of that sort.they forcibly sent her to india.
    They started the blame game again.it is been 20 days she came and he is still abusing her whenever she calls.she stopped calling and still he calls and does he same.Even his family is doing the same thing.They have my sisters son with them and now his mother sister is taking him to usa.My sister have the baby girl.Her visa is going to expire and i dont think he is going to send any papers to her.
    I ask her and my parents to complain in the womens cell but they are not doing that as my sister still loves her husband and she is thinking about the children.
    i dont have any hope on that guy.It is been 6 months his daughter is in india and he never ask abou her.Even when he was in india in between he came to see her once.My parents live in the same city and he still did like that.He never took care of his son.
    i am in a fix what to do and what not do?
    she is not lodging a complaint or nor she is strong thinking she have good education and she can stand on her feet.He and his family are still talking like my sis did something.How can they do that?
    Please advise what to do?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2012
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  2. Rachna

    Rachna Gold IL'ite

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    Ask ur sis. to lodge a complain in womens cell and divorce her husband. Her life will b peaceful after that...Dont trust in these type of guys...He can even plan to kill ur sister. Take a bold step and leave him forever. Try for 2nd marriage after divorce...
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2012
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  3. rheaa

    rheaa Silver IL'ite

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    After reading this post, I just couldn't stop myself from not responding.

    To be frank, I am surprised with your sister's patience and optimism (sorry, but I find that to be very stupid in this case). From the beginning of the marriage proposal, there are red flags everywhere and no one bothered? Are your parents on your side, do they understand that their son-in-law is not worth their daughter? If not, you have to first make them understand. Talk to your sister, explain her that she would have a peaceful life for her & her kid if she divorced that (monster) husband. What is the purpose of living a life of hell with him? Plus, he doesn't want to continue his marriage with her (as understand from your post). No one can force anyone to be in a relationship. It only results in worsening the relationship.

    Maybe, due to the abuse over the last 5 years, she has lost her confidence. Help her build it. Do not let her in the vicinity of people who poke their nose and ask all sorts of questions about her marriage (even if it means breaking a few relations).

    One more thing I just don't understand is, how and why does a woman inspite of continuously going through hell in her married life want to bring a second child. Is the trouble between them and the affects of it on the 1st child (why have this kid initially?....ok, lets not discuss it now) enough? I am always surprised at this!

    Good luck to you in helping you sister get back to a normal life.
     
  4. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    I have seen a couple of serious issues here...

    1) Your sister has been physically and emotionally abused, and that too during her pregnancy
    2) Your sister's children were taken out of the homes for various reasons (for forceful career, MILs issues etc..) and your sister was denied her motherhood.
    3) Your BIL is forcing your sister to stay with her male friend and take trips with him without her consent
    4) Your BIL has been caught several times of an EMA
    5) He has now started blackmailing your sister by taking pills
    6) Your sister's PILs are no way supportive, but abusive people
    7) There are so much money involved in this mess, hence your family keeps on paying their dowry

    Ask your sister to make a full stop.. I am sure she is no way emotionally attached to this man anymore...So, ask her to lodge a complain and divorce him asap. You being her sister, please try to understand and support her. Try to get both of her kids from your mom and his mom, and make your sister live with them.

    If she has to come from US after her visa expires, do not feel as it is the end of the life. There will be 100000000 ways to get a job in India and find a path for her life. She deserve a better life with her kids at least from now on wards.
     
  5. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    A child is not a sign of happy marriage, it could be sign of a sexual abuse. There are marital rapes and forced pregnancies... It could be one of these. No need to abuse a woman physically to have a baby, just some verbal abuse is enough for them to fall.... Just because she has a second baby, doesnt mean she has made a foolish decision to bring an innocent child on this mess hence needs to be answerable. May be it is something out of the question in an abusive marriage. She needs support to come out from this mess, and no such questions will be helpful for the OP or her sister (who is already in a depressed state) in anyways. The kid is already here, so we cant change the past..Let's try to help her with these kids, rather than judging anything. Pls.. JMO though.
     
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  6. rheaa

    rheaa Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry Tugga, I didn't mean to trigger/judge here. I was very upset with the state of OP's sister and yes, everytime I here a similar story, my blood boils with rage and sometimes, the frustration comes out like this. I didn't mean to question OP's sister, it is question in general. And I definitely agree with you - there are cases where sexual abuse, marital rapes & forced pregnancies occur. But there are cases as well where the woman lives in denial hoping/thinking that her unborn kid will bring about the change in her married life. Sorry OP, nothing against your sister....just my feeling.
     
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  7. ranjitas

    ranjitas New IL'ite

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    i am in support with all the comments my family is also going through the same face.
    i dont know why girls are still seen as the weakest sex.
    when she have a good education and best support from the family.
    The husband comes in the middle and even if he is with her or not family is there.
    she has to build her confidence in herself and ready to face any consequence that come in her way.
    i know how all this feeels as me and my family is on the same boat.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2012
  8. cj1980

    cj1980 Gold IL'ite

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    For the life of me I don't understand how women keep getting pregnant as they continue to suffer physical, mental, and emotional abuse and torture? Are they being forced into it or do they think a child will change the situation?! And to top it all, how did you sister allow her son to be shuttled up and down India and U.S at will? I really think your sister should take a stand against all this nonsense. Maybe a period of separation will bring some sense into your BIL? I think he is very cunningly preparing the grounds for a legal separation as well as child custody by recording such fights. If your sister wants custody of her children and wishes to preserve her sanity and dignity, she should consult with a good lawyer and take initiative before the other side jumps the gun. Are there no medical records of the abuse she has suffered? I hope this situation works in your sister's favor.
     
  9. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    Please put some sense into your sister's head and ask her to stay safe and take care of her children.
     
  10. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    I know your feelings dear... But it hurts the OP (indeed it did hurt a lot for me when I was posting a thread on somewhat similar problem) to hear such further questions without providing any answers for her existing problem.

    A child is in picture now... You and I can not go back to the past and change the fact that she has kids. Now the point is to help her build her confidence and strength to live with her kids.

    By any chance if the OP's sister can become a single (no kids in picture) then YES, we can make her understand her mistakes and correct it.. But here something has happened, and that cant be changed. There is no point in making the OP feel so low or to make her admit that she has done a great mistake by bringing a kid into this mess... and attack her self esteem/confidence level... and then give her soothing words or powerful advises to fight back... It will never help the OP...
     
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