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Stockholm Syndrome In Indian Arranged Marriages-

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by blindpup10, Jun 28, 2016.

  1. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

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    You are right, the audio clips are not for the fainthearted!
     
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  2. Vennella

    Vennella Gold IL'ite

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    This is so disturbing. I just cannot understand how somebody so educated and in a high profile job could come home to this crap. And she kept up with this horrible guy for 10 years! Good at least now she is rid of him, but not sure what she was thinking taking all that abuse for so long.
     
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  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    INDIAN WOMAN AT HEART.
     
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  4. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    I have been thinking along these lines for last few years. The women who are in 70, 80 in India, and were married in arranged marriage, went to their ILs at 14, 17 etc. May be they had no telephone calls and letters and trains to take. If in this situation, they were abused, then after 5 years of marriage- it is SS syndrome.

    In in ILs side, they were in village in last generation. And all 4 families in the Joint family, used to abuse the new DIL. So, four MILs, all unmarried SILs, BILs. From my understanding, it was like free for all- take your choice of weapon and attack. I wonder, how those women survived...they must have had formed some alliances but after intial abuse term of 5 + years were over, because by then people will have new DIL to pester. No one can offer her help from day one and antagonize the whole family. I feel, these kind of family systems always had a scapegoat DIL.
    Many DILs in this family committed suicide. No one thrives, most just survive.
    I think, to survive they take help from one kind person they find, for themselves. That is their alliance for survival. This person will always be wit the family but throw little crumbs of kindness towards the DIL.
    This is a classic case of SS syndrome. May be Dictionary should rename it to some Desi-DIL syndrome or something...no pun intended. The mind set of two parties involved in both cases, is the same. One party is a lone victim and other party is abusers, all together.
    My current ILs family, away from village- in a small town, carries a lot of this muscle memory of mind! They all gang up against the DIL, and pester her till falls on knees to get some alms from one kind person. They have a timeline for this, only happens after 5 years, may that what it takes to break a person. Once the DIL takes the alms, they control her through this one kind person. But she endures because this is the best she can get.

    Indian arranged marriage, resembles SS.
     
  5. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    The surprising science of happiness

    This is a must watch video to understand why people sometimes make peace with situations which are not optimal. Once our brain sees no way out of a bad situation it re wires itself to make the bad situation not so bad.
     
  6. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Did the abuser get the desired punishment from the court
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Why victims do not try to get away?
    Some try in the beginning and give up eventually. Some get used to these abuse and take it easy. Some might find it difficult to face the world and the people after getting released from the kidnapper.
    Basically this is their mental block that they fear the outside world. For them the known devil is better than unknown angel.

    Same applies in marriages too. Be it love or arranged, but in our context what makes many married people worry about leaving their marriage is the unknown misery about their life after that phase. What if I am not accepted with my divorcee card? What if I will end up being single forver? What if I lose social respect and security after leaving?
    What will happen to my freedom? Who will sponsor for my food, cloth an shelter. Beyond this, the fear about their children and their safety. The fear about these children's social life.
    The fear about these extended relatives and their criticism, victim blaming mindset.

    Of course a tough marriage is not easy than all these listed issues above. But as I said earlier, this known devil logic works.
    They know the pattern of this abuse. They know how to survive this abuse. They know or at least learn with time about how to ignore or avoid these kind of abuse down the line.

    If the H is drunkard, the women learn to keep mum so that he won't hit her.
    If the H has an EMA, the women learn to pretend as if she doesn't see it, so that he stays with her.
    These are the coping mechanism these victims use to survive these abusive marriage, due to the fear of this unknown angel, i.e the life after divorce.

    While living, rather surviving this, they get used to this. As like the stock home syndrome, the develop a bond with their abuser to have a meaningful survival.
    This emotional bond, their dependency and the natural connection due to the very close relationship like marriage help them overlook this major problem.
    This familiarity makes this devil better than the unfamiliar angel.

    Unless there is some psycological bonding or emotional condition that developed after these abuse, I don't think the couple in the west have any better reason to stay in an abusive marriage. But we hear a lot of about how abusers psychologically control their victims and make them feel as if they were the reason behind these abuse.

    Yet, the situation in Indian/our context is different. Here the complete dependency, social structure, the perception about divorce and divorcees and lot more other issues after divorce make these men/women fear this unknown angel. Thus they put up with the known devil - abuser
     
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