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Stockholm Syndrome In Indian Arranged Marriages-

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by blindpup10, Jun 28, 2016.

  1. nemesis

    nemesis Platinum IL'ite

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    Probably.

    Because nothing explains the ''he hits me sometimes but i can't leave him coz i love him madly you know''.
     
  2. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    Hugs to you. There are two things here. Comparing Jaycee Dougard case with marital abuse victims especially in the Indian context is just not fair. When Jaycee Dougard was kidnapped she was just 11 years old, barely knew what is sex, procreation. She was raped and used as a baby making machine by two sadistic adults - a man and his wife. How can we compare this grossly inhuman case with a not so straight forward martial abuse case. Isn't there a marked difference? Jaycee knew nothing - she probably thought she was discarded by her family. She was just a child. It took years for her to realize that was not the case. But marital abuse is not like that. Here the victim knows fully that they are being tortured so that they can exit on their own. They have made a conscious choice even they though are adults probably in the vain hope that things will improve. OP makes it seem like it's a child marriage and they were forced into this arrangement. Maybe they entered into the arrangement willingly and later realized something is wrong, but don't know how to solve the issue. It is not that straight-forward, who knows what their earlier family situation was? Comparing the two cases is just not right. It is not that easy to exit in a marriage especially after kids come into the picture. One bad thing about the Indian set up is people making that stupid comment "Wait till kids come and it will settle down" - No, that will not happen, kids won't change anything, rather it becomes much worse with one or both members of the marriage forced to compromise on the situation out of kindness towards kids/partner but not out of love. Bringing children into a marriage with shaky foundation is the worst thing to do.
     
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  3. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks @nemesis- for pointing out the accurate statement I missed to conclude this theory of abused in Indian marriage are the best candidates fo Stockholm Syndrome.


    @bruised234 - If you have read my previous post claiming that SS is a state of mind. You will understand an integral part of this theory.
    I am not comparing Jaycee's case to exactly what happens in Indian arranged marriage. I am saying Jaycee built a bond with her kidnapper because she had no other options ( she didn't even think she had to escape). I am comparing the emotional standing of Jaycee vs the abused.. hope it clears it up ( coz I definitely didn't make it seem like its a child marriage)

    What nemesis pointed out an excellent example - Why do you think women say "I love him, although he beats me?"

    The women who say such things are clearly in Stockholm Syndrome.
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2016
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  4. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    OP, I think Stockholm Syndrome is not the right word at all. It is more like the person starts to believe after a period of time or maybe from the beginning that they cannot live without the person who is inflicting pain - they term it love, but it most certainly not like they enjoy the treatment being meted out to them. I would say it is more out of selfishness, not knowing what to do to stop. Divorce is not always a good option, especially in the Indian context. I am not saying the Indian system of marriages is bad, I believe it is totally good, provided it is followed in the proper way. When one mixes arranged with love marriage - for example, developing feelings for a suitor during arranged marriage is not proper. In an arranged marriage, one goes into agreement solely based on parents' and family discretion and judgement, not because they necessarily love the person. But when that is not the case, instead the person really likes the suitor and the other person seems to be likewise but changes after the marriage with more exposure to each other. That is where problems arise. It has nothing to do with SS. It is a personality flaw on both sides. The abuser abusing because they think they are right and the victim just submitting because they believe they deserve it. That is what happens. The victim not wanting to let go because they feel dependent and the abuser only getting more abusive because of this attitude. Does rebelling help? It helps only when the abuser realizes their fault - which is overpowering them in an aspect which gives the abuser the power to abuse. Mere rebelling will not help for the victim. In that context, non-Indian societies are somewhat better because there is a hope for the victim, that there are better options outside. In Indian society, the chance is not that good.
     
  5. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @ bruised234-
    Well I see that you have trouble with just the name "SS" being associated with Indian arranged marriage...
    just within your reply, there is lot of points that are similar to my perspective...
    I lack the patience go through every line and compare it with my SS theory.
    After all this is just a theory not that I am presenting it anywhere.. so you are absolutely free to call it BS.

    But thanks for sharing your view.
     
  6. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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  7. Bbgy

    Bbgy Senior IL'ite

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    Hi blindpup10,

    Very interesting thought there. There might even be some validity to it, had never thought of it like that! Now come to think of it, it seems to be true - many people are downright tortured in their marriages but when they talk about marriage there is a sense of 'It is great, there is certainly happiness, I've made peace with it'. Not being able to leave because of the stigma of divorce only pushes people to make peace with even the worst situation. Not sure if that is good or bad though.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 1, 2016
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  8. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    When I was writing/ thinking out loud this theory of "Women Being stuck in Stockholm Syndrome in Arrange Marriage" I didn't do enough research, I didn't do anything but come here blurt out what Made sense to me.I didn't even explain my theory or state what a Stockholm syndrome in an arena he marriage would be like- or whole with points showing how an arranged marriage can easily turn into a Stockholm syndrome if the partner is abused.

    After writing this theory few months ago, I haven't given it a second thought either. I am here coz I feel I have almost a good example for this theory now. The update from the OP, perfectly fits my theory that women in arranged marriage are more succumbed to being in a Stockholm syndrome relationship.

    I am going to tag this post as an example- of this theory.
    Please Advise Me On What's Bothering My Husband.



    First the OP- has been abused to an extent, that she believes she is in love.
    Second--her husband and her MIL- are constantly expecting her to give up. The husband and mother duo aren't shy about it either, they have made it very clear to OP that she will leave coz that's what all girls do. So, the stage has been set, the players (husband and mother) are acting ( abusing), but the OP is in trying to change the outcome.
    Third- OP hasn't told her parents/ therapist/ her friends about the abuse. Talking about the abuse on an online forum, gives enough privilege to OP to know what's wrong and right, and to cherry pick advices. And there is no one to ask her about improvements/ updates ( not like a family member would).
    Fourth- the OP herself is in denial, ( not with us) but emotionally, I believe OP, can't handle the fact that she landed herself a loser. This may have had some effect on her not being open about the abuse to her own family
    When the OP, actually talks about the abuse to a person with a face ( her parents/ her friends/ a therapist) she will understand the magnitude of abuse she has endured from her husband and MIL.
    Fifth- OP is making excuses to put an end to her marriage-
    1)I believe coz it will "prove" the mother-son duo- that they were right all along that "all girls" are after this guy's money, she not good enough to give enough dowry ( to MIL)
    2)MIL becoming pain her her neck, coz she has to complete her PhD



    She is in Stockholm syndrome because-
    1. She is abused, she is aware of the abuse-- yet she is not ready to stop empathizing with her abuser & take a stand for herself.
    2. She has convinced herself to not let go of the marriage unless there is infidelity, that too when there are no children involved.
    3. OP in this case, as become a hostage by her choice ( partly) coz she is refusing to divorce, declares she loves her husband.
    4. She empathizes with her husband's struggles/ baggage and understands her duties/ her share of "wifey duties" however, she isn't realizing that her emotions aren't reciprocated. While she is accommodating to her husband, her husband doesn't see or appreciate it- he is taking her for a ride in the name of " that's what a wife should do".
    5. Why hasn't OP questioned "husband duties" Why isn't she holding him responsible? She isn't, coz if she does- there will be a fight, physical abuse, name calling, comparison to ex's & finger wagging from husband and IL's saying " I told you so, to share rent/ girls take your money" talks.- So, the OP really has no other way but to not question/ talk/ discuss anything with her husband.


    Sorry if this posts offends anyone. That wasnt my intention.
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2017
  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes.Everyone is asking her to leave the husband.she does not listen.
     
  10. porsche

    porsche New IL'ite

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    This incident on wife abuse (indian couple) in California caught everyones attention last week. Seems as though maniacs exist irrespective of education (guy is a CEO) and riches. Equally to be blamed is the justice system and the brainless judge. That audio clip is chilling to say the least. I aggree 100% with a previous poster. Lets not be judgemental...all we can do is hope and pray for the victim

    Silicon Valley CEO Pleads ‘No Contest’ to Abusing His Wife—and Is Offered a Deal for Less Than 30 Days in Jail
     
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