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Sticky MIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by cheenu123, Nov 29, 2013.

  1. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    It’s been almost10 months since I got married and I resumed working 3 months post marriage. Inthose 3 months I was literally tortured by my MIL because she would stick withme like a leech for the whole day. I got some respite when I started working. MyDH returns at around 8 in the evening and I come back by 7. Between 7 -8pm, I sometimeshave tea with my MIL, sometimes I go for a brisk walk, manage my room, orsimply rest. On Sundays, me and DH get up late and spend a lazy day. On all the6 week days and except for Sundays, we three have our breakfast and dinner together.However, my MIL is very very possessive of my DH and wants that he should spenda lot of time with her. Of late she has been telling me also to spend time withher. The other day I told her that me and DH haven’t got ample time with eachother yet so please be a little easy on us and try going out to gurudwara, walkin the evening so that you don’t feel bored. Hell broke loose! She cried andcried and cried and my DH scolded me in-front of her saying that you have tospend time with her. I am feeling very devastated and now with this imposition Ifeel very suffocated, angry, and shocked. If she wanted so much the company ofher DIL, she could have gotten her son married to a housewife. I and my DH tryour level best to ensure balance and harmony at home but every Sunday, MIL sitswith a swollen face , talks less and makes the atmosphere so depressed. Sheeven threatened by saying that she would go to her daughter’s place and wouldnever return. I have lost all respect for her because at this stage instead ofencouraging us to go out together and spend time with each other, she isconcerned about her boredom. I might be sounding selfish but I am really pissedoff with this woman! She does nothing but sits on her bed the whole day andwatches TV. If we give her any suggestion of joining some club or any otherplace, she takes it so negatively.
     
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  2. Twinkel

    Twinkel Platinum IL'ite

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    Congratulations on your marriage and have a happy and beautiful married life!
    As far as mil is concerned, dont worry, relax.. just have a look at in laws forum and see how disgusting and horrible in laws can get! It's only after visiting that forum that I started liking my mil for the good woman she is, though she is lot different from me and my lifestyle. I understand you have a stressful day and you don't get enough time to spend with hubby itself. But, also understand that all she needs is some time with her.. just spend some quality time with her like an hour or two on sundays and then plan time and outings accordingly with your dh. Entering into a relation demands adjusting and balancing, give in a little and see the change :)
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2013
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  3. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    Think once being in her shoes.. no company, no job, no husband (i think so from your post).

    If she would have got housewife DIL for her, then even you would have thought that single mothers are more possessive about sons and elders need someone to talk to if they stay alone all day.

    I'm not saying that a couple should not spend quality time together. It is very necessary in the hectic lives we are used to. But remember, elders are not very open to joining clubs or making new friends. They are more happy being with their family only.

    You can make a plan like outing with your husband every weekend or alternate weekend. But to say the old lady to go out every evening so that you two can spend time together seems very selfish..!!
     
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  4. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    @ Beingloved

    NO! I am not asking the old lady to go for a walk so that I could spend time with my DH. I am suggesting this so that she freshens up her mind. She herself says that she has absolutely nothing to do the whole day as we have maids for all the chores and she feels bored.
    Secondly, me and DH have such tight schedules that we hardly ever get to spend quality time togther with my 6 days working schedule!
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2013
  5. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    The situation was literally off-hand however, due to my sane DH, things are a little better. Now, I do try to involve my MIL in small small talks like asking her what is to be cooked tomorrow for breakfast, lunch etc. She can't take it if I decide on my own which is a little hard for me to digest but i am accepting. If left to her completely, she makes it a point to cook stuff that I avoid due to my PCOS. Secondly, we do spend a little extra time with her and thankfully in the morning she has started going to the Gurdwara.
     
  6. persecutedDIL

    persecutedDIL Gold IL'ite

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    OP, I do not at all think that you are being selfish or unreasonable in your expectations from your husband. However I do think that your admonition to your MIL was uncalled for " The other day I told her that me and DH haven’t got ample time with each other yet so please be a little easy on us and try going out to gurudwara, walkin the evening so that you don’t feel bored."

    If you think about it we have no right to tell elders how they should spend their time. We can only tell them that we are not available/we are busy. I would suggest that you go easy on her and do not consider her the "raaste ka kaanta". You wouldn't believe but I have in-laws who are far too possessive about my hubby and mind you, both MIL and FIL have each other's company while I and hubby work in different cities and barely get enough time for each other. Even then my PILs keep on whining and crying. Think about your MIL who is a widow (I guess) and has no one to lean onto! So, never say harsh words to her, if those are avoidable.

    And as for your hubby, if he doesn't understand your perspective, then make him pine for you. Just act pricey i.e spend as little time with him as possible, do not cling on to him and keep yourself busy with various activities. Try it out for a few days and you would then understand the next course of action for you.

    Since it's been only 3 months of your marriage, may I suggest you to not address your MIL as 'that old lady' ? Because if you start disliking her from now itself, it would be too tough for you later.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2013
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  7. MaliniHari

    MaliniHari Gold IL'ite

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    Petty thing honey. Please ask your DH to spend time with your parents. When he hesitates, say that, "I am in the same boat".

    Also, tell him, its good if you people are away. Do not tell him problems would arise. But tell him, for sure, difference of opinion would arise. tell him you are keeping away just because you dont wanna start any and that you are possessive of him too. Hope he understands!
     
  8. manu2009

    manu2009 Silver IL'ite

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    in india marriage is between two families rather than two individuals, so you will have to accommodate the fact that your mil is very much a part of your marriage. from what you have said, she is lonely with not much to do. since she is not engaged in any activity she feels left out and with age a sense of insecurity develops, so don't fret. one suggestion, rather than asking her what to cook, try using words like "what shall we cook?" so it wont feel like taking orders from her and she will feel more wanted when you you use words like "we". try doing that it works
     
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  9. mimita

    mimita Senior IL'ite

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    I honestly dont understand MILs who think the DIL would love to spend time with them. There is a generation gap, different attitudes, different likes and dislikes - all this isnt taken into account at all. And on top of it the emotional blackmail! I think you have to gradually start setting expectations.
     
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  10. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry if this does not add advice-value to this thread, but I thought that this was a sticky thread on MILs!
     

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