Staying In Touch

aamrapali · Jul 31, 2017

This is not my original idea but what I have learned from a few American friends:

Every couple of months and on special occasions like Thanksgiving, Christmas, I receive an email letter addressed to BCC. This is typically a 1-page letter summing up this friend's life's events since the past letter. Just chit-chat, what they has been up to - their work, their spouse, their parents, their friends, visiting family, friends, any travel, any new hobbies, activities, what their kids are up to...etc. etc. Includes good events and problem events and how they are coping, could be a surgery, lay-off, etc.

With Indian friends, I have typically seen staying in touch with friends, family, in-laws via Facebook.

With as many problems we are having these days sustaining one-on-one communication and relationships leading up to more misunderstandings than pleasure, I think both of above options create a medium to stay in touch while at the same time nothing one-on-one personal about it. It is like sending happy new year wishes to 35 people in a BCC. I prefer the former American letter mode to Facebook for you really cannot share too much personal events happening in your life on Facebook without compromising safety and privacy.

The advantage I see is no one (friends, my family, in-laws, etc.) can really say I have zero communication with them and don't stay in touch. I am staying in touch without really brushing up close to cause friction. There will not be the awkwardness when we really have to see each other face-to-face after several months/years.

I do not like my husband's side of the family for many reasons. They act like I don't exist and hence I keep to myself with little to no interaction. However, when I am in the country, I do visit them. I do not like to cut off ties with anyone and prefer to maintain however formal and lukewarm a relationship for you never know when you may have to interact with them. Staying in touch just makes the interaction easier.

Or is it still the tested and tried best advice to stay away from all communication with in-laws or husband's side relatives unless absolutely warranted.

What do you all think? Is this a good idea for Indian culture or will it create new types of problems and I am getting into an "aa bail mujhe maar" situation?

SGBV · Aug 1, 2017

We have the option of choosing the mode of contact depending on the group/person.

Any harmless information, that can reach out to all my friends and family members like my son passed elocution exam with distinction or gold medal, with a cute pic of him on stage.
But something personal like facing a job interview, pregnancy, family problems, good news or bad news could be shared to the relevant audience in whatsapp.
Either in groups or individually.
Each group has a purpose and it is easy to figure out which group deserves which message.
Also, sharing the message on a timely basis is easier and useful for both the parties (sender and receiver)

So, I would prefer these technology instead of that American mails (BCC)

venlax · Aug 4, 2017

As said by someone else Indian culture is different from other cultures.
1.still in most places Joint family culture.
2.There are many forums in APPS ,Face book etc. where people join & share .
3. Some personal matters shared may be handled in unpleasant ways.
4. Above all Indian culture has many religious ventilation points like Yoga,Meditation,Temples.Reciting Slokas individually as well as in groups.Just imagine a person's intense prayer at any of these outlets & the final peace he attains whether the problem is solved or not.
Let people find their own way of communication.
"THE WOODS ARE LOVELY, DARK & DEEP BUT I HAVE PROMISES TO KEEP & MILES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP."

Sandycandy · Aug 4, 2017

Birthdays are a good time to stay in touch. I send birthday wishes and ask how the person is doing. I might not get in touch for the rest of the year, but that's one way I make sure not to lose touch with friends/ family/ inlaws family.
I am not on Facebook, reading through all the updates is a colossal waste of time , plus the pressure of having to like and comment on everyone's status updates. I prefer whatsapp and whatsapp groups, quick messaging without having to like etc .

Rihana · Aug 4, 2017

aamrapali said: ↑

This is not my original idea but what I have learned from a few American friends:
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I knew it as a practice some Americans follow, but came to know it more closely when a desi friend started it. At Christmas time, she makes a nice greeting card that has a collage of their family pictures and a 10-12 long lines note of updates. Printed. With our names and their names written by hand. I thought it was a nice way to stay in touch, but, might be hard to do with Indian friends since if you are the only one doing it, and they are not sending similar updates, can seem odd.

With as many problems we are having these days sustaining one-on-one communication and relationships leading up to more misunderstandings than pleasure, I think both of above options create a medium to stay in touch while at the same time nothing one-on-one personal about it.
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I would really like such a medium, but if one is the only party doing it, it might not work.

The advantage I see is no one (friends, my family, in-laws, etc.) can really say I have zero communication with them and don't stay in touch. I am staying in touch without really brushing up close to cause friction. There will not be the awkwardness when we really have to see each other face-to-face after several months/years.
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This would be a nice way to keep in touch with those that one is not very close to. But, again, if everyone else is keeping in touch via whatsapp/FB, then, won't work. I've found group whatsapp to be OK to use for keeping in touch. I stay quiet most of the while. For b'day etc I send a 1-1 message after seeing others wish in the group. : ) My own updates - once in a while I post some useful link or info, it gets attention as I post rarely, and a general hi/how are you ensues. This does not have the comfort of bcc, but comes close enough.

I do not like to cut off ties with anyone and prefer to maintain however formal and lukewarm a relationship for you never know when you may have to interact with them. Staying in touch just makes the interaction easier.
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True. Staying in a little bit of touch makes the interaction easier. I've found clicking Like once in a while on their FB photos/updates serves the purpose.

What do you all think? Is this a good idea for Indian culture or will it create new types of problems and I am getting into an "aa bail mujhe maar" situation?
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I think it would be aa bail mujhe maar. : ) As the format can get misconstrued as lazy, snobbish. More so, when the rest of the world seems to think FB/whatsapp are essential...

aamrapali · Aug 5, 2017

Thanks to all who replied.

I think I got my answer that it will not work. Unless one is #1 exposed to this mode of communication and #2 appreciates it, most may not understand. It will come across as new and formal and may wonder "why can't she just pick up the phone and talk or be on facebook like the rest of us".

In fact the couple of Americans who send me such letters are way at the top - C-suite level - so it is all the more nice to see them take the time to type out such detailed letters outlining the past few months of their life and trusting and sharing with their friends.

It is about a mindset to both be able to do this and to receive and reciprocate it. Based on what we read here with friends, families and in-laws problems - hardly to be expected in our culture. at least not yet and certainly not my generation - middle-aged and older. We belong to different times when people just showed up unannounced, people preferred face-to-face interactions, and now like phones, text, facebook, whatsapp... i will come across as odd and wierd if i try this on them.

Iravati · Aug 8, 2017

aamrapali said: ↑

Thanks to all who replied.

I think I got my answer that it will not work. Unless one is #1 exposed to this mode of communication and #2 appreciates it, most may not understand. It will come across as new and formal and may wonder "why can't she just pick up the phone and talk or be on facebook like the rest of us".
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Aamrapali,

Don't abandon that thought. Give it a try. You never know the #1 and #2 mindset in your circle of friends. People always surprise you! I am still old-school so I email friends when I have to talk though we hangout in whatsapp to exchange quick information. What restaurant? What time? Running late, be there in 10 minutes... so on. But we don't talk as much on whatsapp. I write winding essays to all my friends. Not solemn essays but blabbersome stream of consciousness essays on utterly silly things in the world. My milestone mails: film updates, food updates, weight updates. I compose long and jibberish emails updating my friends of my petty activities regularly. I realize that you inquired on a more personal level where you wish to update on important happenings of life.

Keeping family and in-laws on the side, I can only partially answer your inquiry on friends. Go for it only if your friends are on par with your fun and creative side. If not they might be confused and allege you of showoff or snobbery. If you have similar-minded friends who know you well then reciprocation follows. Try it once and see how it goes. Try with a small set of friends. You never know, it might turn into a ritual soon. Your friends might be startled at first but soon they will get the hang of it and catch up with such communication and as a group you might enjoy it. Such things are contagious. But for the trail run, choose people who are like you: reflective, articulate and acquainted with your disposition. Only then such sentiments are requited.

Afterthought: One to one and bcc: is fine as long as the contacts are strangers to each other. But in a group of twenty if there are common friends, mail them together in to: list like ex colleagues, close friends, friends who met at a common place. That way a conversation kicks off amongst the group. One to one may not be that compelling to respond . A group is more fun and engaging when it comes to friends. That is how I operate and just a recommendation. I am not talking of large groups here just a pool of three friends in each group. Foodies, intimate friends, book worms so forth. Wish them or update them visibly together.