1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Stay in marriage or divorce - advise needed for my friend

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sakhi, Jun 4, 2006.

  1. Sakhi

    Sakhi New IL'ite

    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    I want senior memebers to please help and give advise. So, Chithramadam, Varalottisir, Varloo,Kamala and others please help my friend.

    My friend and husband are both highly qualified. Arranged marriage, they love each other and have no money or employment problems. He is workaholic and in high post. Married for over eight years. Husband and wife (my friend) love each other very much. But husband is Gandhian. He refuses to have baby with wife because he feels there is too much cruelty in the world. Also refuses to adopt. My friend wants a baby her own or adopted. She is slowly losing her mind and is turning to religion and social work.

    What should she do? Stay in marriage or divorce?
     
    Loading...

  2. Sakhi

    Sakhi New IL'ite

    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Please read Mrs Chitramadam,Varalottisar, others

    Pls read and advise on my first post. Thanks.
     
  3. sudhavnarasimhan

    sudhavnarasimhan Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,310
    Likes Received:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    70
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Saki,
    Sorry for butting in....but you seemed desperate for some help for your friend...isn't there anyone in the family who can talk to her husband and make him understand? And how does she feel about leaving her hubby...i mean after all 8 years is a loooong time to have been together and now to decide on this seems very unlikely or could be painful .Will she be ready for this? why doesnt she meet a a counsellor ?

    You can await for more advises from more experienced people..but these were some thoughts i felt after reading your post....talk to your friend on these lines ...maybe something wll help.
     
  4. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    4,024
    Likes Received:
    476
    Trophy Points:
    190
    Gender:
    Female
    Gandhi had many children

    Gandhi had many children. It is not wrong to have children after marriage. And to try to make the better place, we could bring up our children in a good manner so that they might help others andbe an example also. Pl ask your friend to suggest these to her husband. All religions insist that we procreate to take forward the race.Or they can adopt and help in the small way to make the life of a child better.
    With warm wishes,
    varloo

    P.S. just wanted to share my thoughts also.
     
  5. Kamla

    Kamla Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    8,438
    Likes Received:
    5,009
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    There is more to it...

    Dear Sakhi,
    Such issues are very personal matters between the couple. Very close family members and friends are the next best to advise. Since the question has been directed, I feel I should express my thoughts. Mind you, I am no expert.
    "She is slowly losing her mind"...that sounds really very sad and serious. You say the couple 'love' each other very much. In that case, how come he does not see his wife's suffering? Idealism is a good thing, but it should not hurt people close to you and here, it is his wife.
    I feel there must be more to his refusal to have children, own or adopted. Have they had a good talk about it? Have they seen a marriage counsellor? Has she explored all the venues open to her to change his mind or make him see her point of view and distress? She MUST do her best to explain to him her need to have children of her own. If they are otherwise happy and if he really loves her, I don't see why he will not stop to think and contemplate his wife's dearest wish especially if she is thinking in such extremes as divorce. Please advise your friend to exhaust all the venues open to her before she gives up on a marriage and husband of eight years.
    My prayers and best wishes are with your friend. Best of luck to her.
    L, Kamla
     
  6. varalotti

    varalotti Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,192
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    Re: advise for a friend

    Dear Sakhi,

    I am sorry that I missed on this post of yours during the last six months. Your friend's situation is pathetic to put it mildly.

    I cant ask your friend to go for a divorce just like that because your friend loves her husband too much for that drastic step.

    At the same time I dont want your friend to suffer in silence. If your friend really wants a child I suggest she shoul talk to her husband very openly. Make it clear that she cant live without a child. And may be even hint about possible divorce subtly. This may awaken your friend's husband.

    Sakhi, I want to tell your mind only this. Many a time we are baffled by a problem like this (this is really a pretty serious problem, no doubt) because we think that we can solve it with our human brains. At times the only solution to a problem may be to accept whatever comes our way and leave the solution to the very embodiment of Love, God Herself.

    Tell your friend that she will be included in my prayers (not that I pray regularly or methodically) and that at the right time God will interfere. Till then let her continue praying and loving her husband.

    regards,
    varalotti
     
  7. Sakhi

    Sakhi New IL'ite

    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: advise for a friend

    Dear Varalottisir,

    Atlast! I was quite hurt when you did not answer my post. Anyway, in the meantime, my friend's life continues as before. She has tried saama,daama,bheda,dhandam on her husband. He never says no, just keeps postponing. Maybe she has already lost her mind. But I am sure she will stay afloat and cheerful, if not anything else, she is good in putting on a brave face.

    Thank you sir.That you found time amidst a very busy schedule to answer this question.
     
  8. varalotti

    varalotti Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,192
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    Re: advise for a friend

    Dear Sakhi,
    Please do me a favour. When you post something of importance and want my views please, please send a pm to me.
    I completely missed out on this post. Only when I saw your post in Thiruppavai did I check all your posts and came here.
    Somehow Aandaal prevented me from comitting a great sin of not replying to your post.
    I am not that busy, Sakhi. It is sheer oversight for which I have nobody else but myself to blame.
    I apologise to you as well as your dear friend.
    Regards,
    sridhar
     
  9. Shanvy

    Shanvy Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    22,755
    Likes Received:
    24,646
    Trophy Points:
    570
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: advise for a friend

    I think sridhar's reply has bought this thread back to life.

    From what you say, i feel there should be a more deep rooted reason than gandhism.
    There are many angles/views to a problem. This problem looks more deep rooted than what appears on the face.
    the person is contented living as he is and does not want a child. (the percentage of people who don't want children is on the raise!!:cry: )
    Many be the husband is not confident enough about raising children.
    But they can have a talk, since both are educated, she can emphasis that lot of children are happy. subtle indications of her wish, and hinting at separation may help since the guy loves her.
    tell your friend not to lose her faith in herself. be happy. be positive, that there is rainbow at the horizon.
    (P.S. the involvement of the parents, could help. ask her to take the help of his mother if possible....)
     

Share This Page