State Of Confusion...

Samantha111 · Nov 21, 2018

Priya16 said: ↑

Just forget about your husband. Completely forgot about him. This is your life.

Think about you and your kid. For you and your kids, you need to take care of yourself right?
Don't worry about his words or anything, all those are not matter to you now. You are already falling out of love with him. So don't use your heart and use your mind and see what is the best things for you.

Don't worry about the past and don't worry about what happened and don't run the movie in your mind. Look forward and look for tomorrow and see what things you can do to improve your life and makes you happy.

I am sure you can find a job and believe yourself and you can do wonders.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the encouraging words...Yes!!..I am taking care of myself..He is travelling right now. He has gone to Chicago on an official trip..he will be there for a month..Since he is not at home..I feel like a single mom..I have to take care of my kid and other household stuff.. I feel I am happier when he is not around..I have started going out on morning walks..I try and take my daughter to the mall everyday whenever possible...I am trying to be more active. But the routine will break once he will be back..he will start taunting me..teasing me and at times he will make jokes and try and make me laugh...his intentions are not nice but he pretends to be very sweet from outside...he forced me to stop working and now when I tell him that he didnt let me work coz he doesnt accept it. He will never accept that he was ever wrong. he will pull me down in front of his parents..he would show that he is suffering in this marriage..he would tell his relatives that I am lazy and I cant take care of the house and when no body is around he wil be all lovey dovey..I hate such pretentious behaviour..why cant he be the same..why cant he tell me if he has a problem wi me...I dont now how to be all happy and nice with such a person...but yeah you are right..I have to just think about myself and my kid at the moment and nothin else.I am applying everywhere and I am hoping that I wil get a job soon

Samantha111 · Nov 21, 2018

Twofeathers said: ↑

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through...from what you are saying I think he is manipulative and abusive to you. Try to find a job, any job - it is xmas season here so you should be able to find something. Even with baby care if you are breaking even, you need to take a break. Men like your husband, isolate you from the world, break your confidence and then abuse you. Don't let him do that. Meet people and get mentally confident by getting in touch with the person that you were and the person you are inside. Like the other person mentioned, do not get pregnant and do not let him touch you if you do not want to. He is using crying as a tool (which is very weird an immature - but nevertheless manipulative) to manipulate you. Let him cry till he has no tears left - tell him to man up and walk away. I have always felt being honest about your thoughts and feelings is the best way in the long run. Try to change your world one step at a time. The above is just a short term solution. Hopefully you fill find the right job and the next step will open up by itself. You will grow into it. But by not doing anything you are not growing and effecting change. Hope my input helps.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your post..It is very encouraging..I feel so nice when i am on this forum and this is like therapy..I write stuff that I cant discuss with anyone and i get good feedback from all the ladies here..It is amazing ..>>i was really feeling very low when I wrote that post..but since I am trying to be active ..I feel a lot better..plus he is on a business trip..so there is no tension at home for now.he would keep traveling and he gets to stay at the best of the places and me and my kid are confined to this area. he doesnt take us out to fancy places....I feel sad that I sacrificed so much for this non sense..I have become a beggar..he gives just enough money to manage the house..nothing exta..I dont get enough money to even go to the parlor for basic things....I feel so depressed that I just dont feel like doing anything and I feel like crying the whole time.he would not pay for the daycare..he sends money to India coz he says his parents are his responsibility....But i am looking for a job..the day I will get a job..I wil put my kid in a day care..I know he will create problems but this time..I hope I am able to cope up with his dramas.

Samantha111 · Nov 21, 2018

sneha1985 said: ↑

Are you still in US and not finding the job? Are you on H4 visa and that's the reason you not finding a job? If that's the case and when he says that you are lazy and not doing anything, tell him that you would like to work too so you guys should move to Canada or some other country where you can work as don't want to be a "burden" (if that's the word he uses).

Also don't fall for his crying. Manipulative people use it as a tool when they need it and they won't support you even if you cry. I made a wrong decision when the abusive guy I was talking to cried to me and because of it I decided to continue in the relationship and eventually it ended very bad. But now after months, I feel lucky that I didn't get married to him.

As others said, don't use your emotions to make a decision now, use your mind. I have experienced same things where they try to isolate you from the world, break your confidence by blaming you for everything and his family would support him in his behavior.
Click to expand...

Hi, Thanks for the post..You are right..he is manipulative...his parents support him completely...he uses drama to get what he wants ..and I give in to his demands coz I hate the scene that he creates...if I dont do what he asks me to do..he calls up my parents...he starts crying in front of them..he would call my relatives and start doing dramas in front of them..He tries to show them that he is working hard to make the ends meet and I dont understand and support him..he shows me in a bad light...I started working last time and he would purposely be very late and then he would tell everybody that wife doesnt care about the kid and poor kid doesnt get the love from mom coz mom is having a good time in office..he would every day make a big scene when I am getting ready to go to work...then he called his parents...I used to get up everyday at 6 ...prepare food for everyone..then I used to leave for work..and then I used to come home and prepare tea and food for everyone..then I used to put my kid to bed..and then I used to clean all the utensils and then I used to go to sleep..I was soo tired and exhausted....they used to eat all the food and they used to leave very little for me..I used to sleep hungry so many times...Then they used to pretend that they care for me and act all innocent..MY MIL used to tel me.." Oh! there is no food left for you..Cook something else fast dont sleep hungry" I finally left my job..The only time I could work peacefully was when My Mom was here..I worked and I even got a promotion. But now..My parents dont come anymore coz he disrespects them.

I am allowed to work in US but I am not able to find a job here...Trying my best..

Samantha111 · Nov 21, 2018

rachaputi said: ↑

Dear please take counselling from a therapist to get back yourself and deal with this later..
Click to expand...

Thanks for the suggestion...I really want to go to a counsellor but I cant gather the courage to go and talk my heart out to a stranger...

Samantha111 · Nov 21, 2018

docathome said: ↑

Hi Samantha,
Sorry to hear bout the state ur in right now. From what I've written i feel u need to meet a counsellor cos you seem on the verge of depression. Speak to your parents or someone who really cares about you regarding the situation. Life has been tough on you but what's over is over. Get some job even if not perfectly suited to you, so that u are able to have a change of atmosphere. Get childcare if it's required, even if it involves much of you salary so that your child is well cared for. Your child won't benefit from having a depressed mom, go out and build up your confidence. Speak to positive people and don't let your husband's views crowd your whole identity. You are someone special and the least you should give yourself importance too. Take care of yourself..
Click to expand...

I get what you are saying..Trying to be active...I feel depressed and disinterested ..I dont feel like going out but I am forcing my self to make changes..I have sarted going on morning walks and I even take my kid to the mall every now and then just to be out and get some fresh air.

Samantha111 · Nov 21, 2018

DDream said: ↑

Are you in US. He is abusing you. Next time when he raise his hand to hit you, talk in a calm voice, that you will call 911 if he do that and be ready to face the consequences. Be strong. Dont allow anyone to treat you like a doormat. Do you have work permit. If so, try to find a job, however small it is, and be independent. Can you consider counseling . Your insurance may cover it. Search in google if you have volunteering opportunity in your area. If so, get out of home and use it as as opportunity to interact with others and gain back your confidence. It may also help you to find a job. Find a daycare to take care of your child.

Forget about PILs or DH, focus all your energy on you. Gain back your self esteem and confidence. Find ways to be happy and peaceful. Never sacrifice your life, career, and happiness for someone who dont deserve it. Be little bit selfish this time.

Regarding his comments, you can do an introspection and check whether anything is right. If so, try to correct it. I think you became a very negative and bitter person due to whatever happened in your life. He is depending on you for sex and not going anywhere else. That's a good thing. If you want to be in this marriage, denying sex is not going to do any good. So tell him, if he want sex he has to satisfy your emotional needs and treat you with love and respect. What do you want -stay in this marriage or leave. Ask yourself. Your answer will guide you on what to do.
Whatever it may, try to be a positive person. Be strong. No one is going to come there to help you, you have to help yourself. Take control of your life in your hands
Click to expand...

Thanks for the post..yes! I am in US. He hit me once when we were out and someone called the cops..the police asked me if he hit me and I told them no..they gave him a warning and they let us go. now he doesnt hit me but at times he will come really near me and act as if he is coming to slap me..I told him that I will call the cops the next time he does that..but he doesnt care when he is angry.I have a work permit but I dont have money for the day care and he would not give me the money for a daycare..he tells me that he doesnt have money..I feel so sad and depressed. At times..all that I want to do is just keep crying but I undertsand that I have to help my self here and no one can do that for me.

DDream · Nov 22, 2018

Samantha111 said: ↑

Thanks for the post..yes! I am in US. He hit me once when we were out and someone called the cops..the police asked me if he hit me and I told them no..they gave him a warning and they let us go. now he doesnt hit me but at times he will come really near me and act as if he is coming to slap me..I told him that I will call the cops the next time he does that..but he doesnt care when he is angry.I have a work permit but I dont have money for the day care and he would not give me the money for a daycare..he tells me that he doesnt have money..I feel so sad and depressed. At times..all that I want to do is just keep crying but I undertsand that I have to help my self here and no one can do that for me.
Click to expand...

He dont want you to be independent. Let him tell everyone what he want. Focus on your job hunting. Create your own account next time
Dont you have any savings from last job?Ask for more money for monthly expenses and save some money. Be very smart. You can

lavani · Nov 22, 2018

Samantha111 said: ↑

Thanks for the post..yes! I am in US. He hit me once when we were out and someone called the cops..the police asked me if he hit me and I told them no..they gave him a warning and they let us go. now he doesnt hit me but at times he will come really near me and act as if he is coming to slap me..I told him that I will call the cops the next time he does that..but he doesnt care when he is angry.I have a work permit but I dont have money for the day care and he would not give me the money for a daycare..he tells me that he doesnt have money..I feel so sad and depressed. At times..all that I want to do is just keep crying but I undertsand that I have to help my self here and no one can do that for me.
Click to expand...

Oh my god. i do not understand . Why are feeding a adult kid. all these walking , taking care of yourself are like taking medicine for fever and at the same time harming yourself with more infections.

fix your cause. Your H cries to your parents, his parents for his stupid tantrums. Let him cry. It does not look shamefull at all on your side, it is shamefull on his side a man.

what will happen if you eat at the same time as your in laws. when you said you have work permit, i assume green card. what the worst will happen if you do not give up for his tantrums.

kid did not come out of its own. it both of you and your h child. he has responsibility.

problem is you have fed his tantrums for years, now he takes it for granted.

you want to come out of depression, slowly ( not immediately ) stop treating him like a baby. what the worst can happen. he won't give money. he needs food right. that is not free. how long.

If he complaints to relatives, let him.

listen i am not asking you to provoke him , but asking you to stop treating him like a kid.
goto any counselling, nothing will happen. because he will keep destroying your emotional state .

regarding job

what is your qualification. IT .

lavani · Nov 22, 2018

it makes me wonder, how do even people get love marriage. just a man goes and give flowers and smile , girls are stuck out.

sneha1985 · Nov 22, 2018

lavani said: ↑

Oh my god. i do not understand . Why are feeding a adult kid. all these walking , taking care of yourself are like taking medicine for fever and at the same time harming yourself with more infections.

fix your cause. Your H cries to your parents, his parents for his stupid tantrums. Let him cry. It does not look shamefull at all on your side, it is shamefull on his side a man.

what will happen if you eat at the same time as your in laws. when you said you have work permit, i assume green card. what the worst will happen if you do not give up for his tantrums.

kid did not come out of its own. it both of you and your h child. he has responsibility.

problem is you have fed his tantrums for years, now he takes it for granted.

you want to come out of depression, slowly ( not immediately ) stop treating him like a baby. what the worst can happen. he won't give money. he needs food right. that is not free. how long.

If he complaints to relatives, let him.

listen i am not asking you to provoke him , but asking you to stop treating him like a kid.
goto any counselling, nothing will happen. because he will keep destroying your emotional state .

regarding job

what is your qualification. IT .
Click to expand...

Unfortunately there are men who thinks everything after marriage is woman's responsibility. Be it the household chores or kids. Have noticed that this is very common in guys with narcissist personality. Very rare they change their mentality.

OP, as @lavani mentioned, coming out of depression will be a slow process. If he is crying to your parents, I hope you have informed your parents that whatever he is telling them is not true. Try to take help from parents if possible. Based on personal experience, there will be times when even your parents might not understand you or might ask you to make it work. Try getting out of the house and spending time in open. Try talking to people around... this might be easy if you living in apt community... when you go for a walk in apt community, exchange smile with others and ask them how are they doing. My neighbor lives alone and she has made many friends by same technique and then slowly she increases talking with them. Now I see her talking to a person for 30-45mins who was stranger to her before. Try some DIY projects if that's of an interest. Visit some craft stores around like Joann's or Michaels and sometimes in their clearance section you will find some cheap items for crafts or you can watch some craft videos on youtube and then decide what you wanna work on.

I have the same question of qualification - IT? Probably gap on your resume might be making it difficult to find a job. I am from computer science/IT field and can share links for job search resources if needed. You can maybe also work on some personal projects related to your field which would also help on your resume.