Standing up for oneself - The consequences

Hello
I do partly agree with you, there are many women who unlike you face the heat for standing up for oneself. But you must understand that even after you standing up why do you face such situations. There must be some flaw in your side too.

If you keep complaining nothing would change instead research with in you on where and how you fail. For your husband it should be Yo who make him to understand. For all these my suggestion is once watch a serial aired in star plus if you can understand Hindi, else see Vijay TV En thozan En kanavan. The heroine handles many such problems with sheer determination and still she stands on her own.
You may argue that it's a serial still take the essence from it. Surely all women face the heat at some point it's not how they cross its how wisely they overcome it.

It's your own husband so you should teach him and not wait for years days or months. No golden rule in books its all how smart we plan and execute.

 

Hi, while I agree that there are 'n' number of problems in standing up for oneself and for ones beliefs, imagine the situation if you had not stood up for yourself. The same husband andinlaws who hate you now would use you as a doormat and a convenient scapegoat and still hate you. Submitting to bullies doesn't make them any more mellow or agreeable. The bullying will still continue with nobody to counter it. So stop wondering if all these years of your resistance was a waste. You are who you are. Everybody has a healthy amount of ego and its not possible for a person with self esteem to continually ignore or submit to bullying. On a personal note, I prioritise my issues and pick my battles. Where its important to me, I don't give in. On issues that don't affect my she sibilities too much, I agree to "live and let live".

 

Dear,

I completely agree with you. for some its easy and for some its difficult.

They say you have to be strong to be able to stand up for yourself. Have you ever thought why they say so?? They say so, coz it takes a lot of guts and hardship to stand up for oneself, its not a easy job!! And you understand it fully, and you stood up for yourself. Just hang on there, you are doing great, don't loose hope. Thing will come around. Just ignore what they say.

You know what?? Apart from standing up for yourself, you need to learn one more thing, and believe in it, to be happy and peaceful, and that is "Don't give anyone so much of importance, that they have the power to make you feel bad and hurt"....no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.....You have to resist people who are trying to hurt you or make you feel bad about yourself. For that you need to make yourself so strong that, no one can make you feel sad or hurt without you wanting to feel so.....

May be it is little difficult for you to understand what i am saying now..... but whenever someone hurts you, stop yourself from feeling anything, and think, do i want to let it hurt me and make me sad, and waste my whole day thinking about it, or i should just leave this thought out by just ignoring it and continue being happy....at least i won't waste the day.....

It will take time for sure, but one day you will see, that you are so detached with these kind of negative people that you don't feel bad anymore, and you continue to be happy no matter what they do or say.....and that is when these people will also change.....definitely!!

I am also going through these, my in-laws have changed a little, my husband is yet to change,.... but i am not loosing hope.....because that is all we have got to look forward to everyday....right??

 

It boils down to being a battle of wills in the end!

I agree with what tndocgirl says. Things are only going to be worse if you don't stand up for yourself.

In my case my biggest act of standing up for myself was to kick-start plans to chuck my marriage. I didn't want revenge. I just wanted out because marriage made me miserable. I calmly said I didn't love him or even like him; that I didn't want to limp along and that my lawyer will get in touch with him. It was the indifference which seems to have galvanised my husband into seeing things from my point of view. To give him credit, he shed views he had about roles of men and women due to his upbringing and did the hard work required to mend the marriage. It worked out great for me in the end - Or the middle, I should say.

 

---Deleted. Thanks---

 

dear @god2014 in every post of yours you advise to watch some tv serial, how do you know so much about tv , do you spend your entire day in watching tv?
Sorry OP

 

There definitely is a silver lining of standing up for yourself. I let my IL and my DH walk all over me for 13 years. If they all said jump I would say how hi. I lost my self and my identity and really starting disliking the person i became. Then I started standing up for myself. I went through about two years of hell but kept on going. My DH even left me as he felt his parents were being disrespected but I just stopped jumping for them and began to let everyone know how badly I was being treated. My DH saw me evolve and get counselling and we got back together, stronger than ever. IL still were mad at my new found emotional independence and DH support so they pulled out all the stops for bullying, they bullied my left and right and I would never confront, never argue but would go about my business. In this drama they started bullying my DH and our daughter as well and that is when my DH eyes finally opened. They mistreated him for about 4 months and he got to taste what I had been going through for years. Fast forward two years and I basically have no relationship with IL except hi and bye and if they need me to do something. My DH fully supports me as he says they will never ever like you. Now IL pretty much stay out of my path, the main thing is it hurts when it goes on but their is light at the end of the tunnel. I think with OP you have to realize that they will (ILS) always continue to hate and bad mouth you, mine still do to this very day. but you have to ignore it and live your life and don't give two hoots to what they think about you. THe DH issue I don't know how to tackle that - if he has not changed in all these years he may not be the right person to be with. The main thing is you stand up for yourself and you don't care how it affects others or what they think about you that is the key.

 

OP, do you think you would really be happy by not standing up for yourself? if this forum has allowed you to see that how men generally are, it has also allowed you to see that women who stand up have a better life than women who dont.. i do think that women who stand up also think about the consequences.. and thats why it is not easy to stand up for yourself.. because most of the times, we are scared of the consequences.. why be scared of ensuring that you continue to respect yourself? when you make tough choices, i think you need to be tough enough to handle the consequences.. i am not trying to belittle your situation but happiness is a state of mind.. and you need to find a middle path where you and your husband can meet and work out your relationship and find joy in small little things in life... Although you may have stood up for yourself maybe its high time you also give an ultimatum to your husband about how important it is for him to trust you and not back bite you and your family.. if he still continues to do so, then why stay in this marriage where you know for sure your husband hates you.. and yes, its a tough choice with lots of consequences.. but its your choice and believe me with time, you will find happiness in your choices.. all the best..