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Spouse And Grief Support

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by winterhue, Jan 17, 2020.

  1. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op
    We all need closure to many complicated unresolved issues. Tell yourself it’s not your fault. Try to meditate hard to remove subconscious memories. I have been trying hard but not easy I know. Cry whenever u feel like crying. Vent out to friends it’s ok if your kids see u crying. Hugs to you
     
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  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Indians are not equipped to understand depression because as a society we prefer to be in denial about mental health issues. Can you blame your husband for not being more communicative about this ?
    It is your responsibility to seek help, you are responsible for your own well being . Find a Indian therapist . If that doesn’t help, rule out clinical depression by visiting a psychiatrist. Clinical depression is a serious medical condition and needs to be taken care of. Take care.
     
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  3. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    100% Agree. My mom was a prime example of this denial. She was clinically depressed, but no one saw it and acknowledged it. When I used to call her, she was all hunky dory and I never had an inkling. But when I visitied, one hour and I knew there was something wrong. I had to argue and raise hell to even get her to a psychiatrist. Even after that, no one really accepted that it was a medical condition that needed to be treated (thats a long story in itself). I 100% know therapy is the way to go. I'll keep trying. Thanks for your reply.
     
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  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    If you can persuade your husband I would ask him to go to couples counseling so that he knows how you feel, and for him to get the tools to support you.
     
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  5. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    SingManisha is right, indians are not trained to talk about complex emotions like grief and especially men. men are mocked if they share or show their vulnerability.

    you are withholding yourself a lot and then finding the closest one here ( H ) and feeling that he is not supporting. please do not mis-understand, most of men might even get angry when they hear women crying or sharing grief. they find that whining or complaining and stuck as they cannot provide a solution.

    i do not know any details, i am just saying from what i read. when you went to therapy, i assume it was a grief counsellor, why do you think what they should know about indian culture. you wanted to vent , cry and share your pain. you got the chance to see that therapist. Do it. do not withhold yourself in the session. that is what is a grief therapist is for. they know you lost someone.

    DDream is right, you have to work on yourself. I would suggest, yoga. not alone. group . i do and it has changed my life.

    do slow and steady. first you have to become happy inside then you will notice , you relationship problem is not as deep as you thought.
     
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  6. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    this is very true. mental health issues are considered as a taboo in india. it is considered even more taboo when a person accepts that he or she has a issue and is eager to take help. People would rather die than accept they have depression.

    social media and cinema actors like deepika make it sound simple to accept, but still majority of indian middle class do not accept.
     
  7. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    You need therapy, @winterhue. Find someone competent regardless of their race. This isn't so much about cultural issues as it is about depression.

    You should also talk to your therapist about your DH's lack of support. They will most likely do a session with both of you and explain things to your DH better than you are currently able to.

    While it is true that we don't talk about mental health issues culturally, that's not an excuse for failing to support a grieving/depressed spouse. All of us who are living abroad have adapted and are doing a multitude of things we didn't do growing up. If we can adapt in matters of food, clothing, language and worship, it shouldn't be a big ask to change attitudes about mental health.
    .
     
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Hugs you you @winterhue

    I am a supportive counsellor myself & I know how hard it is to be depressed.

    Generally PTSD will last for max 30 days. If it lasts for more than that, and it still feels the same after many days then it is a psychological issue that needs proper intervention.

    No one, other than a professional counsellor or a therapist can understand or solve your medical issue here.
    For others, specially sub continent people like us, mental issues are nothing. We are in denial about how serious these issues are.

    Given your history where your mom died of depression, your brother is battling one already and now you are showing up symptoms of clinical depression... I guess it runs in your family.
    Better get it checked and treated before it is too late.

    Before I joined this supportive counselling course, I used to feel irritated about this aunt who used to cry, be silent, and quickly widhraw herself from any gathering due to extreme sadness of her long lost child.
    Her child was a stillborn, but it happened 5-6 years back & she has 2 more kids later and the family was pretty much moved on from that loss. Yet, this aunt was very much depressed.
    No one understood it or recognised it. Rather everyone criticised her lack of coping skills as if she is staging a drama.
    Years after she committed suicide by leaving her 2 wonderful young kids behind. Even then, no one realized what was wrong with her.
    She looked so strong in the outside and never showed or communicated her issues knowing no one will understand it.

    It is serious. You must seek help and drag yourself to the therapist immediately.
    It may seem useless. It may seem as if you can't open up. But they will work on it slowly and with the help of medication it will improve.

    Let the therapist decide whether you need follow up or not....
     
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  9. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    I feel like reading my own story when you talk about the other half not getting it. My DH is a good guy in many ways ( albeit not all)... I have heard all types of things when I was grieving over my father ' its been 7 months already'...' you can not go on being sad like this'...' dont think too much about it'.

    For other things we can shout back 'if you were in my shoes..!, you would get'... but we cant say to this particular issue as it comes out insensitive.

    The pain; like some one has torn a part off you with a knife...Some people can naturally relate even thou they have not been thru it while some people just do not have a tool kit or dont know how to react or talk to a person in grief. They seem clueless to these deep emotions. They dont even know or realise that they are being callous, different makes of people. They arnt bad par se but they are lost themselves in how to handle it...like in this senario.

    You need someone similar to talk to... will your sister talk and share each other?. The only person who exactly felt like me; was my sister. We came alone slowly but surely over these years... still do.Do you know anyone going thru similar pain?... please talk to them, you will feel immense relief.
    If no one, find an indian origin counsellor may be she can understand.

    Please also know the spiritual sense of people living and leaving...... spiritual sense will give a perspective and lessen your grief and try start to meditate ...
    Good luck, there are many people who have gone thru and going thru this... please know that IT IS normal to feel lost and alone but you can manage it and thrive ... keeping your mum in your heart yet a heartful smile on the face. :). Hugs.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2020
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  10. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Few suggestions:

    1st, Get the wife’s number who lost her dad n reach out, it could be your own personal grief support group. No need to mix in the husbands, keep it just between you two. Your friends n dh might not understand your loss n pain but that lady might as she has gone through it too. Any form of support is good n it may help the both of you.

    2nd, Many men don’t understand any signs. If we are waiting for them to read on their own, well, it may never happen. You need to be vocal. Talk to him or write a letter or even easier option, You can copy your post from here n jus show him. Let him know what you are going through. Tell him, “I know it’s Hard for you to understand. I am not expecting you to magically find me a fix but it will mean the world to me if you jus listen. Jus say ‘hmm. I understand.’ That will be a good start.”
    He’s your life companion, don’t let this emotional distance grow. You can fix it.

    3rd, depression seems to be a genetical issue. Mom, sibling n even dad now. And sadly, none of you guys are supporting each other. All are left alone to fight your own battles. Start fighting yours first. Get help immediately, copy and show the doc the content you have written here especially about the previous doctors comments about how you handling well. Let them know that you are battling inside n calm outside because it’s difficult for you to truly accept help that’s why you are so good at hiding. Tell them that you think ‘it won’t help, so why bother’ so you act instead of getting honest help.

    Write / vent out in IL. Copy and show your words to you dh n doctor. Am Saying that since it’s so difficult for your true inner feelings n words to come out from your mouth. You have already written it. Just show the right message to the right people n dont push away the people nor the correct help.
    Once you have gotten help, you can help your sibling n dad too.
     

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