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Splitting nuclear family to care for old parent(s)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Apr 29, 2015.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    There is lot of talk about doing away with joint family. Let's talk about splitting the nuclear family.

    An old parent or in-law needs care, and such care spans years, requiring the nuclear family to split - husband and wife live away from each other, children spend formative years with only parent physically present in the home.

    What is the impact of such living on the husband-wife relationship? The sacrifice deepens the bond or does the distance weaken the relationship?

    How about the little children? Is it fair to them to live away from one parent? When they understand why that happened, will it be a lesson in good values for them or will they learn that one's duty as a parent comes second to one's duty as a child?

    I've seen such cases in my friend circle. The parent living in the U.S. handled the child's high school years and college admission time like a single parent, while spouse took company transfer to care for old ailing parent in India.

    No easy choices.

    Your thoughts? Is splitting the nuclear family sometimes worth it?
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    My opinion is that it is OK for the adults, i.e. the husband and wife to have to live apart, but taking away the physical presence of one parent from child is wrong.

    Modern technology can fill some of the absent parent gap, but nothing really makes up for a child seeing both parents in person at home.

    It is a touchy topic, and no definite answers. If you post in thread, take it easy. Treat it like what it is - discussion in an online forum.
     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    No.
    As a parent...I would never accept my child having to compromise on childcare for me. Any other option is acceptable but that.
     
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  4. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    I do not see it as a good solution as children need their parents and divorce risk increases significantly. There are usually other options like moving close to the aging parents, having aging parent moving in, elderly care homes etc.
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Question is not about 30-40 years from now and we (Ri and YM) needing care. It is about families that currently have an old very ailing parent, and nuclear family needs to split to care for the old parent.
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I think splitting parents should be the last option.Coming closer.Getting them closure.Coming back to take care....if that is possible......OAH ,assisted medical facility.

    For me....splitting my child's family is not acceptable.
     
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  7. sumathysuguna

    sumathysuguna Silver IL'ite

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    In husband-wife relationship, that too after having kids is possible but its ultimately depends on individuals(particularly men). But new tech and if spend time once in a while can fill the gap. I believe in both saying and experienced that too much of anything can be harmful (distance)
    And definitely distance makes bonding stronger in H-W relationship.
    With kids, have to play both the roles and video call is there nowadays so it might fill the gap
     
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  8. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    My parents are fast approaching the age when it will be highly likely they will need help . They have been fiercely independent for as along as one possibly can. And when that happens...that is exactly what I intend to do. Temporarily take a break from being a mom and wife and go back to being a daughter. My husband will have the same freedom . I am hoping and praying that it will be not be at the same time.
    We are both incredibly lucky to have wonderful siblings who think like we do and will share the load . So I am hoping in the event care is long and drawn out we will have some breaks and respite. Whether that would mean they will move in with me or I will move to where they are will depend on other factors and I am working on both the options to minimize the trauma on them.
    Yes my children are young and there will be a huge hit both financial and otherwise but I think this is something that I have to do . We have talked about it at home and my boys know its coming and while they come up with cute" awww will miss you and will visit u" they understand its something that has to be done and its important to mommy. Would I be a bad mom for doing it..may be ..but
    I am willing to live with the guilt.


    Would I expect my children to do it for me. No not now when I can run a few miles without breaking a sweat and in a position to live weeks at a stretch in a foreign land where I cannot even speak the language
    ..but I do not know how I will be when I am old and frail and no longer in control of myself. I will raise my kids the only way I know
    and hope they take the right decision when the time comes and pray that I have the strength to accept it with grace whatever it might be.
     
  9. catwalk

    catwalk Gold IL'ite

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    Olden days, only the father was working and rest of the joint family lived together without much complications. There were limited resources, which was shared by all.
    There were no luxuries. Life was simple and everyone was happier than us.

    Now world has changed. We have all luxuries available in our fingertips. Both, husband and wife, are working and earning. They have the purchase power and can buy anything they want. But life has become very complicated and majority miss ''absolute happiness''...:)

    Prioritization and re-adjustments are necessary to move forward.

    Certain things in life will never come back. Even if we have money, we cannot buy them. Especially when the children are young it is a must to live together. Few years later they would grew up and become independent. They will fly away for higher studies and work. You will never get the chance to live together as a family again.

    So think about your life and set the priorities.
     
  10. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    it is always good to have two parents for child care. Having said that some jobs don't allow that like jobs at oils rigs or defense services or a transferable job where parents choose to have children at one place for education purposes.

    In the example you have given the choice is based on US education. Children are older and I think they can understand one's need to be with an ailing parent and for temporary period of time.

    temporary situations like these are very common atleast in IT field where one person goes onsite for short term projects which turn into 1-2 yr .spouse may not be able to join due to her own job or children's education. No,lasting damage.

    this is definitely not advisable as a permanent solution just for the purpose of providing the care for ailing parent. Ailing parent should move or child with entire family needs to move.
     

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