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Split The Family Or Bury My Passion

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Vidiyal, Feb 21, 2020.

  1. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    main question - does your spouse has h1 or EAD / Green card . if it is EAD and above , then go for it. arrange a nanny for kids , cook for food. slowly ask H to move to your place. it might take 6 months, but since visa issue is not there, it is possible

    if not , can't advise . since i am not sure , how long is this study and then residency practise. who is managing the finances, did you get a loan from college with scholarship.

    overall go for it. if it is just 4 years, time flies. you will regret more of not doing than doing it.

    when going for it, be supporting of your spouse. i understand you are in lot stress, but he will also have, managing kids all the itme and work is equally stresfull.

    arrange for cook and nanny .

    this is not time to be emotional, please think without emotions and analyse everything. sorry if my views are all over the place.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2020
    Vidiyal likes this.
  2. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    this is very good suggestion. i do not know anything about this, but i would agree to consider the CONS more than your dreams, like getting work / permit after some age. again i said, i do not know any on it to be directional view
     
  3. nuss

    nuss Finest Post Winner

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    If you could afford a nanny/au pair I would suggest seriously look for one. Au pair would be great since they are live in and can help you with your daughter. Or hire a nanny where you live now so your husband wouldn’t have to do everything.
    Sounds like your husband and older son will be fine together. Plan to visit them as often as you can. Is it possible for your parents to stay with you for 6 months to help you settle in the new place and find a good daycare/ nanny?

    Don’t give up on your dream. One way or other, things will work out.
     
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  4. Halosandwings

    Halosandwings Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi there,

    I am guessing you graduated from med school at 23 and that was 14 years back. That puts you roughly at 37 years. Medicine in any country is a marathon, not a sprint. But I guess I don’t have to tell you that. 4 years of medical school might not be excruciating for you.. may it would be more like revising everything you already know.. but completing med school won’t be enough. You have to go through residency and may be fellowship. In the scenario you choose IM or FM with 3 years of residency you might be 44 yrs old when you are ready to practice. If you choose to be a bariatric surgeon that would add 5 years of surgical residency and 1 year of fellowship and you would be 47 year old. I will say expect atleast to be 45 before practicing in your speciality of choice. Let’s say you aim to retire at 65 then it would give you 20 years of clinical practice.. not too bad. I have seen people move to USA in 40s and complete their residency. These are the people who are already practicing in their home country. They did really good. In your case you also need to consider debt from school. Based on what you shared here I am thinking 50 k per year for tuition. So the tuition itself would cost you 200k. Usually the tuition would be less for instate and public universities.. for eg the med school from the public university in my state charges 20k for residents but then I live in a LCOL area. Can you change your school? Or consider osteopathic school if you don’t want to go for something really competitive speciality.. Another thing to consider as a medical student you are expected to take call every 4th day depending on the rotation. But as a resident depending on the program you choose, you might be on call every 3rd day for 6-8 months. Residents work easy 80 hrs per week. You only get one day off per week and you would need to rest and study. A lot of people in residency have very supporting partners. During residency don’t expect to cook or take care of household chores. It has to be done by your partner. Please think about financial constrains, physical and mental exhaustion before you choose any option. Personally I liked option 2... btw, do you want to practice medicine in this country or do you want to be a doctor here.. the reason I am asking is you can consider going to PA school if you want to practice medicine but don’t care what degree you want to carry.. All the best!!
     
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  5. Vidiyal

    Vidiyal New IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot, Balakrish and Angela123! This is exactly the kind of information that I was looking for when I posted my message, the practical options that I have, to try my best not to stress my DH and kids too much and not to drag them along on my wild adventurous long journey.

    Sending my son to India is not going to work out, might have worked out 3-4 years ago, but not now. He is of the age where he has his own say, he knows what he wants, he cannot assimilate to Indian ways and education. We did not take him much to India, I am always scared of India trip, first because of my failed married life, then relatives found the next thing to mock me that I am not a doctor. In the past two years, when my parents were here for 6 months, he had difficulty getting along with my parents. He will be fine with my DH, they have great relationship, and he has all his friends in the neighborhood who all studied with him since KG, and he is close to kids parents too. I can take him with me too, if he agrees to, expenses will be bit up, but not going to be a big issue.

    You are spot on with regards to my husband, he did and is doing so much for me and he wants to have the kids with him while I go and study, I cannot ask him anything more like quit his career and move to a different industry starting from scratch for my sake.

    I have been actually exploring the transfer option that you mentioned, it is going to be extremely difficult to transfer before the end of second year (pre-clinical year), as different schools follow different schedules and cover different topics/subjects. I have high chances of getting a transfer to a nearby school (still 4 hours away) for my third and fourth year rotations, I know the assistant dean through my work, as long as I do good during my pre-clinical years.

    I still have five more months to solidify the plan before starting school this fall, let's see where life takes me to. Thanks!
     
  6. Vidiyal

    Vidiyal New IL'ite

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    @KashmirFlower, that's a great suggestion and thanks for the kind words, appreciate it!.

    I did not explore this option much because it is an expensive city, having my son with me is okay. But if I have to have my daughter with me, to begin with, fulltime daycare is 2.5 times more than what we currently pay. On top of that, I have to find a nanny for after hours to have time to study and cover for her sick days. I will not be getting my paycheck once I start school. And housing is again expensive. My daughter loves the daycare she goes to, I sometimes feel she likes them more than me from the way she jumps to them as soon as she gets inside the daycare. And we have been living here for 7-8 years, have a good support system here if DH needs help, which I'll be lacking in the new city. And I am worried about losing focus on studying if I have her with me as it is going to be demanding, no matter what how much external help I hire. But I am keeping this option open, as I think I'll be fine the first two years as it is only theory and set hours, I know I can manage it, if needed. Staring from third year, it is going to get intense once I start clinicals, thats when I'll try my best to get a transfer so family can be together, though I won't be able to spend much time with them, at least I'll be able to see them at the end of the day. Thats how it has been for the past two years, it is either my parents or DH taking care of the kids and home, I barely had time after my work and studying and applying and interviewing. It worked out okay the past two years, hopefully will work out moving forward.
     
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  7. Vidiyal

    Vidiyal New IL'ite

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    I think this is exactly what I'll end up doing, at least to begin with. First start out with leaving both kids with DH, and see how it goes, if needed, move my son with me or move both son and daughter with me for the first two years and get a transfer to nearby school for third year.
     
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  8. Vidiyal

    Vidiyal New IL'ite

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    Thanks Nuss for encouraging words! This is what I like about this forum, a big take away point from some of these posts, I should be open to spending a bit more to have additional external help, to ease the stress on my family. I tried to do away with this, as I am frugal and totally against debt. I started consulting for the past few years, made good money, already have my tution fee ready for my first two years. Both sets of parents are well-off, they are on-board and hopefully will take care of the tuition fee for last two years. I have my living expenses covered too, getting passive income from the investment that we made that I will use it, and plan on selling the property to cover tuition when my son starts college in next five years.
    Now, I think, I will try to be open with taking some personal loan/401K loan if I have to keep my daughter with me.
     
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  9. Vidiyal

    Vidiyal New IL'ite

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    I came here and posted to get advice on how to navigate this difficult journey without affecting my family way too much. I got great suggestions, I am reading, rereading everything, would like to thank everyone who contributed their valuable advice and perspectives!!!

    Age, getting a residency spot after school, physical stamina to endure tough residency days, finance/debt/student loan, settling down with secondary options like PA/NP, etc. are not much of my concerns. I did my due diligence before starting this process two years ago, got expert advice from pros in the field, I know about the challenges ahead of me, and I love challenges, I know I will come out successful if not, I have plans for risk mitigation for worst-case scenarios.

    Thanks again everyone, I think I have some clarity on how to proceed with and will continue to explore other options in the next five months.
     
  10. jillcastle

    jillcastle Gold IL'ite

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    Wow I loved your response. I didn't have any suggestion for you, but my best wishes to you. Hope to read your dream-come-true post soon! All the best :thumbup:
     

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