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Sorry, I am not looking for clones!!! Can you please stop??

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Shanvy, Aug 12, 2012.

  1. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Finest Blog - Second Weekly Pick of August 2012

    Well, if the title looks a little rude or strong, you are right, as I write this post, I have a pent up frustration of 14 years that is catching up, I have been coping well, but deep down a worried mom, is looking for signals, whether my baby has taken it well.. Wondering what is it about, read on..

    I was at the parent teachers meeting last week, and one of the teachers had to tell me “Your son is not doing like your daughter, please talk to him”.. I was perturbed at the comment for the first two days, because what lingered in my mind was “Why should my son be like my daughter”

    I have come to the 3/4th mark with my daughter and the ½+ mark with my son ,in the roller coaster ride of parenting,needless to say it was always exciting and is going to be the same ahead.

    Many of us would have been compared, and have struggled a lot to put up with a yardstick already set by a sibling or a parent. I am sure the pressure to do better is real high..

    I called up a girl who is close to my daughter and the girl’s sister got her tenth results this year, and the friend of my Dd was so happy that her sister did not cross her marks/grades.. and I felt bad for the sibling rivalry, resentment and the comparisons and unnecessary competitions that people outside instigate with or without their knowledge.

    Seven years back, when both the kids were at keyboard classes, the master compared them both and gave a piece of his mind to DS, (!#$#$) that you are a waste compared to your sister..the master did not realize though they are almost equally tall, my son was 3 years younger to my daughter and no where can the performance be compared.. there ended the wonderful blooming pianist in my son..he refuses to touch the keyboard even today..and we learnt our lesson not to send them to the same teachers nor for the same hobbies..

    As parents, we know that both our kids are different, though they are living in the same conditions, with the same set of things, it is really amazing to see how much they are different and yet same in few ways. I still remember how I was torturing myself (blame it on my ignorance) when my daughter could speak at 9 months while my son never uttered a word till he was 3, and still realized that my son was different both in temperament and skills than my daughter, only thing was I was looking for a validation while all I got was comparison and criticism.
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    It has taken a lot of effort, lot of controlled discussions, controlled emotional wringers to finally make something accepted by a frustrated son, who has a sister who has raised the bar beyond his reach at school. He cannot breath without being reminded that his sister did it better. Of course I have gone ahead and told the school, repeatedly, that they are both different though they are siblings but much to my irritation it falls of deaf ears many days..

    I want to appreciate my kids for their individuality, not assume the strengths of one equate to weakness in the other.

    Have learnt to tackle unfavorable comparisons with a the right interpretation with the kids nurturing their confidence and enthusiasm and encouraging.

    I navigate between two stages of childhood or whatever you want to call, and some days it is like cake walk while there are other days where I am walking on eggshell,nothing prepares you for the challenge other than being just there for the kids, wanting things to happen the way they want and accepting them as they are, not wanting to see a clone of them.

    Today, I have slowly taught my son to smile and tell the people who compare him to his sister, that he is him, and not his sister, and he can do things only as he can do and he can give his 100% percent.
    When I was not expecting clones from my babies, why is the world expecting one..I believe it is high time they stop..what do you say..
     
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  2. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Shanvy,

    You have raised a very thought provoking subject and expressed the frustration of a mother whose children are constantly compared. The world has a preconceived notion that it is the genes that makes the children do whatever they are doing. They expect an engineer's children to be a successful engineer and a doctor's children to be an outstanding doctor. Besides the comparison between sibling, many parents compare performance of their children with that of others as well resulting in unbearable frustration to their children. Every life comes into existence in this world with its own agenda and it comes to a family to pursue its passion. It is our duty to find that as a parent and allow to excel in those areas. If all 6 billion people in this world are identical, the world will cease to exist. The scientists have come to the conclusion that even the environment in which children are raised considerably influence their thought process. Nature Vs Nurture has been a subject matter of discussion for many years.

    In my opinion, the best combination would be to find our child's nature and try to help the child to nurture the passion. Comparison and expectation only reduces their self-confidence. We need to accept the children as they are (like what you do) and build self-confidence in them to do whatever they want to do. That would facilitate to them to shine in the field that they would like to excel in. You are in the right track and God Bless your children. You are doing wonderful parenting and God Bless you and your husband as well.

    Viswa
     
  3. Pallavi4me

    Pallavi4me Platinum IL'ite

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    Its very thoughtful post Shanvy. I want to :whistle in agreement with you.

    People in general never understand or even if they understand always try to compare the siblings. This happens at all levels.. Schools, society, relatives & neighbours.

    Do you know, I was dead against in choosing the same specialisation as my sister did in B.Tech is just because of comparisons that will arise. From day 1 I made up my mind and said I will never choose electronics, simple reason since my sis has done that. Because i have faced this kind of comparison at all levels.. First in school... In college till +2 and i didnt wanted it to continue in Engineering college too. Even then since I have studied in the same college as she did, I have to hear lot many comparisons from my seniors who are her juniors.

    Your sister doesnt talk like this, she wont do like this. Some may not believe but I just stopped interacting or attending the gatherings at my college with certain group of seniors just because of this. There were few who saw as I am as an individual not as so and so 's sister.

    As your daughter, my sister too maintained a level in all her activities be it academis, sports or culturals which are above my head. And slowly I started becoming thick skinned and used to reply back saying I'm what I'm. If you want me to like my sister, you better deal with her.. not with me :rant... Later now, I started taking it with a pinch of salt and laugh at them and tell them with a smiling face.. See, If I'm not like this, you may not be able to appreciate/ recognise my sister's virtues.

    But in my case, my sweet sis is always supportive to me and asks people not to compare like that. she is an angel for me.

    Anyway, enough of my ramblings... But your post made me feel good and I'm sure your son too eventually be able to neglect this part and there will be definetly few people who will appreciate for who is.
     
  4. rgsrinivasan

    rgsrinivasan IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Shanvy,
    Nice post and what you mentioned is always happening everywhere.
    The ones who say that way are the ones that might have suffered too.
    And I am no different. [Am sure, you know what I mean].
    Just a question, though it may sound so silly! Is there a strong reason for your DS studying in the same school as your DD? -rgs
     
  5. AkilaMani

    AkilaMani Local Champion Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Shanthi,

    I get it one hundred percent though my kids are not in the stage to compare their marks or school performances. I often bite my tongue when my MIL very loosely compares their complexion, hair, behavior, and attitude. Out of respect and wanting to avoid issues at home, i try not to voice it out, but sometimes i do tell her (very gently of course:))when i have to draw the line.

    Talk about outside people, some like me have to fight it from the inside!!

    A thought provoking read!!

    Thanks Shanthi.

    Akila
     
  6. sravanitenali

    sravanitenali IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Shanthii...Very informative and useful post

    Even i too came across comparing same age group kids in a crowd when they are not at all siblings either. Every child is different individual, who will be expert in their own interests...i am really pity some times that how come others wont understand simple logic init...

    Thank you for this post..

    Sravani
     
  7. sanrags

    sanrags Bronze IL'ite

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    Point Point Point.
    I dont know why people dont understand that each one is unique.
     
  8. Sravanthi28

    Sravanthi28 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Nice post. I can very well understand this comparision between siblings. And you dont believe it doesn't stop with comparision between siblings, it some times extends to cousins too. Your kids are lucky to have an understanding mother. I have seen a lot of cases where parents themselves pressurize the kids to perform at par with their brother/sister. Few kids get encouraged but most of them lose interest and turn inferior complexed.
     
  9. sarajara

    sarajara Gold IL'ite

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    Well said shanvy..

    Its so stupid that still people are in an utopian era expecting two people to behave the same way.. scientifically identical behaviour only should ideally be the cause of worries as no two DNA are coded the same!

    Still there are lot of people who have to grow up to open their eyes and minds to see two different people as two different ones..

    Just because they beloing to the same family, people expect them to have same kind of interest and behaviour.. they think that it all comes from the family and they do not realise that no two inviduals of a family need to have the same areas of interest or talents!

    Its a weird weird world!
     
  10. cha1

    cha1 Junior IL'ite

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    Once again a well written article shanvy..i myself was an 'object' of comparison with my sister for almost everything...which stooped down my self-confidence to such a level that at one point of time i developed hatred towards her...and believe me, it took a hell of a time for me to realize and assure myself that it was 'others' and not my sis who was responsible for placing the weighing-scale between us .
     

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