Soliloquy

Part 1 of 2


Clutching a purse in one hand and holding a bag of puffed rice, puris and sev in the other, I walked carefully along the illegal street shops just off the railway station. I muttered under my breath…Mumbai is getting crowded beyond its capacity and it is bursting at its seams. People come here from all over, use it for their benefit and a very few of them ever leave the city. But nobody thinks of Mumbai as their own. It is more of a ‘use and throw’ commodity for all! Carelessly parked vehicles and Street vendors who spread their wares onto the roads forcing people and vehicles to fight for their share of passage. Adding to this chaos are the school vans dropping children from schools in the evening and men and women chatting right there, amidst all the chaos! Walking or passing through these Mumbai streets is always stressful, more so as we age. Heat and sweat make it all the more unbearable. Years of practice has helped me negotiate the crowd and traffic while being lost in a world of my own. That is Experience; to be on an auto-pilot!


Earlier, life in Mumbai was not so bad. It was supposed to be the busiest city; a city that never slept! But now, with the increased population neither Mumbai sleeps nor does it allow anyone else to sleep. Only a Mumbai resident knows how mechanical, noisy and stressful life has turned out to be. For ages, I have been telling Ram, my husband, that we should leave Mumbai and settle down somewhere else, a place that is more peaceful. Today, I do understand, ‘peaceful’ is just a relative term. Even smaller cities are getting overcrowded; thanks to the great Indian mentality that ensures non-stop reproduction! Is it enough to just produce kids, kids and more kids? Are we not supposed to ensure that these kids also get good quality of air, water, space and every other damn thing essential? Why are we bringing them into to this substandard world?


I am nearing my sixties. I want to do so many things and I feel that very little time is left for me to achieve it all. With age, I have acquired some lifestyle diseases, which leave me with low energy day after day. Much of my married life moved like a whirlwind leaving me with no time to pause or think of myself. If I don’t think of self at least now then when do I get to live my life, the way I want to? Childhood was one of ignorance. Unlike today’s children we did not know what we wanted and we weren’t even allowed to ask for anything! Teen years were full of studies and preparing consciously and unconsciously for marriage! After marriage, our lives are like that of a juggler always managing, say adjusting and fulfilling the needs of family members. Here again, barely our personal needs, those deep-seated wants or wishes ever got fulfilled. It was always children and husband’s needs that came before our own. Weren’t we trained by the society, mythology and films alike to always give and be selfless? Why didn’t anybody teach us to live our lives for our own self, at least, sometimes? How come no one realised the importance of putting our happiness ahead of every other thing in life? Why should a person be called selfish for caring for her happiness ahead of others? Unless she is happy, how can she give happiness to others? Huh! Thoughts and more tormenting thoughts! Can we ever run away from them? It is said, adjustments, understanding and living the moment are the recipe for having a good life. But…as a woman who has several roles to play, how can I ‘live’ in the moment? Every time even before I get a grip of the situation, things seem to slip away. Then how do I stay in the moment? When so many thoughts, thoughts that constantly move between the past, present and the unknown future cross my mind all at once, how can I remain mindful? While trying to balance and do justice to all my relationships, I regret that I forgot to keep in touch with myself! Now all are busy with their own lives and I am left alone to stare at my own unsatisfied life and future.





“Madam, do you want me to carry your bags?” Watchman’s loud voice breaks my reverie. I refuse politely. With difficulty I climb the stairs. Lately, my legs and knees hurt badly. This reminds me to tell Chintan, my son, a doctor by profession staying in the USA, about my nagging aches and pains so that I could take his advice and consult a suitable local doctor for further treatment. Sometimes I feel olden days were better when parents could authoritatively ask their children to take care of them. Today we all live like mini islands and parents have to care for themselves. We can’t blame anyone. Today the world has become a global village. Well, the village here indicates just the easy access we are able to establish with one another. Real villages were those when everybody lived like a big family and all the work was done by willingly sharing everything with one another. It won’t be fair on our part to stop children now from progressing and realising their cherished dreams. My son Chintan moved to the USA almost ten years back. Here he used to speak of youthful ideals like returning to India after post-graduation, serving the poor in the villages etc. But after completing education he wanted to work there for a couple of years to gain experience. Six years back he met Dr.Upasana Sarkar, a fellow doctor, fell in love and married her. My husband and I readjusted our thoughts and expectations and blessed them. Since they are away from India, we are happy with whatever little traditions and customs they follow. They are respectful towards us when they meet us and that is what really matters to us. We also enjoy talking to our granddaughter, Dhara and watch her grow, through the videos and photographs!


Our daughter Chaitanya is working as an economist in London. She always excelled in studies. After doing her masters from Delhi, when an opportunity came her way she decided to move to London. Just yesterday I spoke to her. I don’t sometimes understand my own daughter. She has a very strong personality and knows (I hope!) what she wants in life. Future will tell whether she is right or wrong. She challenges every belief of ours. Chaitanya is a mystery to me. I simply don’t understand what she is up to in life. She is really beautiful, very smart and intelligent and has a great career ahead of her. But she has a mind of her own…something that challenges the conventions of the society and she ends up standing alone ever so often! We have been asking her to get married, so many good proposals are coming her way but my girl refuses. She is thirty years old already and her biological clock is ticking away. She has had two live-in relationships in the last five years! Blasphemous! First, it was a French Businessman and now a Japanese research scholar! Can’t she find a nice Indian man for herself and settle down? Hmm…whenever her name crops up in our conversations Ram gets very livid and Chintan refuses to speak about her! What is her sin? She has a mind of her own and she challenges, dissects the so-called accepted norms and rationalises them! It is true that it makes all, especially men very uncomfortable. If women have taken huge strides and are marching shoulder to shoulder with men, can’t men accept women as fellow humans and share the world with them? Why are they not ready to change their ways to suit the changing trends of the modern day? Why do they still opt to go back to the cave days?


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*The image has been taken from the internet for representation purposes only.

 

Part 2 of 2

Anyway, yesterday she was asking me for the Bhelpuri recipe as she wanted to make it for her boyfriend, Toyo Sejima and that reminded me that I had not made Bhelpuri at home for Ram, in a long time. Tonight I intend to make Bhelpuri.




Bhelpuri…what an invention! It is sweet, spicy, tangy, crunchy, soft, flavourful and whatnot? I think it is synonymous with life. Life; it is sweet at times and sometimes hot….and we must go through it all, whether we like it or not. The light and crispy puffed rice is like the carefree youth and the soaked limp puffed rice are like the matured old persons who have been seasoned by all the experiences in life! Okay, see my mind is wandering off at a tangent again! Chaitanya wants to make Bhelpuri for Toyo. Isn’t that very romantic? She has taken the trouble to learn a little of his language, culture and has introduced him to ours. The other day when he spoke a few words in Hindi, I was overwhelmed! I am quite prepared to accept Toyo as my son-in-law; I am just fearful of facing the reactions of Ram, Chintan, my mother and our society


My mother, she is past eighty and stays in our ancestral house at Mysore. I keep in regular touch with her. She is very critical of me. She feels that I am responsible for our children preferring to marry outside our community. She feels that I don’t assert myself as a wife and mother. On one hand, she wants me to be like the mythological Seeta and Savitri and on the other, a Durga of the modern times! She doesn’t understand that every marriage and family has its own chemistry that is very unique. No one can transgress that line and comment. My mother refuses to understand these sacrosanct rules. We accepted their strict parenting without a whimper and that doesn’t mean that today’s generation will do the same! They have been exposed to various cultures, thoughts and they want to follow their own code of conduct. Interference from us into our children’s lives will isolate us further. We have to bend backwards to appease our parents and forwards, to appease our children as we are that bridging generation. Our role is critical and any rigidity from our side breaks our precious relationships. At every stage, we have to quit our feelings and accept the harsh realities to maintain the balance and move on.


Transitions are inevitable. Some accompanying stress is also inevitable. I ask, “Can anything be produced without friction, heat and stress? Every formation is a result of some friction, some reaction, some stress and some chaos. Yes…Only after the Samudra Manthan was the nectar produced! Along with nectar some poison was also produced. Shivji was there to consume it and save the world. Today, we, the parents have to become the ‘Shivji’ and swallow our pride and disappointments. Ram tends to divide everything into rights and wrongs, blacks and whites…Aren’t there myriad emotions and shades in between? I can’t tell him all this, as I want to maintain peace at home. Life is all about adjustments between our feelings and the realities. I sincerely hope he learns this before it is too late.



Well…while I have been sharing my dilemmas with you, without even realising, I have prepared my evening tea! Chaitanya would have screamed at me for being so lost in my own thoughts. I can’t help it, can I? Ram is too busy with his profession and he is not ready to pause and look at my wants and Chinmay is a family man; already his wife and daughter are fighting for his attention! Chaitanya wants me to move in with her for a few months, she wants to show me the world; she wants me to live my life on my own terms, at least, for those few days. But….how can I go leaving Ram alone? Who will take care of him? He is a diabetic and needs timely food and medicines. What about my mother? After my brother’s untimely death, though she is being taken care of by a lady I have appointed, I have to be accessible to her always and reassure her of my love. My amma refuses to move in with me to Mumbai. She finds Mumbai claustrophobic and chaotic. Apart from that, even Ram and children find it tough to adjust with her constant chattering and criticism.


See… how I am stuck in a web weaved by own self! Only God knows…what he has in store for each one of us. When we are blending the various tastes and flavours to make Bhelpuri, it is so difficult to know how it will all come together and taste. In the same way, I don’t know how the remaining part of our lives will turn out. I pray for a little more of sweetness and a little less of spice and a lot of taste in our share of Bhelpuri! Hope our Bhelwala is listening!



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