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Social Drinking by husband - I am worried!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by uma, Aug 24, 2006.

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  1. uma

    uma Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I thought that I will get your perspectives on this. I was brought up with the value system that alcohol is terribly bad. My mom has told me endless stories about how her brother-in-law drunk away all his fortune and ended up a penniless person in the end.

    Fast forward to the US. My husband is drinking for what he calls as "social purposes". He drinks alcohol whenever he goes out with colleagues or friends. He says that if all his american colleagues drink beer it would be very "out of sync" for him to not drink beer. It started out with beer and now it has moved to wine and margarita. He also wants to buy wine for drinking occassionally at home. He thinks that I am paranoid and I am making a big deal out of nothing.

    Is this a worrisome trend? What should I do about it?

    Uma
     
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  2. Vandhana

    Vandhana Silver IL'ite

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    Not to worry yet

    Hi Uma,

    Yes indeed, we were brought up on the principles that drinking is taboo etc etc... But nowadays, the whole trend has changed. Even in India, I find a lot of college student going for the ocassional beer etc... Now here in the US, we have to face Social drinking. It is totally up to one whether to drink or not. One can always stick to soft drinks. Having said that, Your husband drinking ocassionaly is not to be worried about. Infact an occassional glass of wine or a margarita or beer will not make you an alcoholic and addicted to it. I would be worried only if he starts imbibing in excess say like 2 bottles of wine everyday etc.... So for now sit back and relax , don't be worried and ofcourse just remind your husband everytime he goes out not to drink and drive. Or to use his common sense and stick to one glass or so of what ever he drinks. As for drinking at home, you can ask him to limit itto say when you have friends over for dinner. or a party .
    Hope this helps and puts your mind at ease.
    Vandhana
     
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  3. Kamla

    Kamla Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Uma...

    Vandhana has given a beautiful reply to your post. Please do not fear the occassional drinking of your husband. As long as he is indulging in a drink or two for social purposes and is not really 'drunk', you need not fear. All the same, it is endearing to see you worry about it because it brings out your innocence and sense of respect you have to maintain our traditions. If it overly bothers you, do not hesitate to express your worries and fears to your husband and let him understand your thoughts about it and at the same time, try to understand his point of view on this. That should pacify you and also put him on alert in case he goes overboard with it.
    All the Best.
    L, Kamla.
    BTW, I too indulge in a drink or two whilst dining out or at a social do:) I am a grandmom and am a 'good' grandmom, if its of any consolation to you:)

    L, Kamla
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2006
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  4. varalotti

    varalotti Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Proud Of You!

    Dear Uma,
    I am very happy and proud of you that you are worrying about your husband's social drinking. I have also been brought up under a similar value system and so far have not touched any of the alchoholic drinks.
    At the same time I am also aware of the changes happening around me. When we work in America, when we have US money, slowly the culture also creeps in. Social drinking per se is not bad.
    I have many of my close friends who drink "socially." Some of them have been drinking for 30 plus years and so far nothing has gone wrong. In some cases (even in Madurai) drinks are stacked in the fridge and it is the wife who usually mixes the drink.
    Many of my friends will offer to take me to the club when they go for drinking, for company. Strange that they should prefer a teetotaller for their company. But in many cases I have seen that they relax completely and even their language gets some refinement.
    I want you to just remember two things. Two things, I never and will never forget.
    One is our value system of abhorring drinks is perfect. Ous shastras say that. Thiruvalluvar has devoted one full chapter for kallunnamai. So we should not feel guilty for not drinking.
    Once I was forced to drink by my host. We were in South Western England by that time.
    I told him point blank, "Mr... I dont force you not to drink. So, how can you force me to drink?"
    "I am addicted to drinking." he said.
    "Similarly I am addicted to not drinking. And my addiction is at least as strong as yours."
    He laughed, hugged me and vowed not to force a drink on me again. I am saying this because we should carry this value with pride.

    The second caution I would like to give is that dont let your husband drink when he is in tension or when he is anxious. Drinking as an escape from problems is the most lethal addiction. Drinking to celebrate is pardonable. Drinking to forget ones problems is dangerous.

    It is better to manage with these cautions rather than to impose a total ban on drinking. That way life would be far easier.

    regards,
    Varalotti
     
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  5. uma

    uma Senior IL'ite

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    I am relieved!

    Hi Vandhana/Kamla/Varalotti,

    I am so relieved! Thank you so much for posting your perspectives. I know that if there is something that increases my blood pressure and heart rate, I can just log in to IL and get soothed. What a great community. Thank you so much. I am going to be a more relaxed wife.

    Uma
     
  6. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    dear Uma,
    when I saw your post, I was tempted to reply immediately. I have seen a very close relative going from casual drinking to additction. I was really afraid and almost paranoid about drinking. Then I controlled myself, thinking that if I write in that emotion, there is a chance of you getting me wrong. And I am very much against doing anything for social pressure, and drinking. Then I thought I shall wait. Then came Varalotti's apt reply. It is no wonder that he has conveyed the message so well. One thing I just loved in his reply-we should not be ashamed of not drinking. His experience shows that we will be respected for our good principles, wherever we are. I am glad that you have found good councelling and are relaxed. That is indusladies.com
    With warm wishes,
    varloo
     
  7. priyum

    priyum New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am new to this IL and happended to read this thread today only.

    Still posting.... mainly because my husband is a teetotaler and a non-smoker. He is so mainly because he saw his elder bro going astray after falling into these habits.

    I am rather proud that he has so much determination.

    Now for the funny part...

    My daughter told me that while at school she and her friends were talking about drinking and smoking habits.... she proudly told them that her father neither smokes nor drinks... and u know what.... the boys would'nt believe.... when she insisted....they told her yaar he must be drinking outside at parties etc. but hiding from u .... it seems such habits are fast disappearing even to be believed..

    Just wanted to share.

    Priyum
     
  8. varalotti

    varalotti Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You have a duty, Priyum!

    Dear Priyum,
    I was very happy to see your post and proud to know about your husband. Being a teetotaller myself there are occasions where I have been laughed at. Once a bank manager threatened that he would not sanction loan to my client if I did not drink in the party hosted in his honour. I just said "Go to hell" in so many sweet words.

    Now you have a duty, Priyum. You need to make it clear to your daughter that being a teetotaller is the normal, healthy, moral and the desirable state. Drinking and smoking are weaknesses that one should abhor.

    I am anxious that by peer pressure she should not think that being a teetotaller is sort of weird.

    regards,
    Varalotti
     
  9. priyum

    priyum New IL'ite

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    Hi Varalotti,

    No problem on that side. She really abhors men and women (equally) who even smoke... leave apart drinking. In fact when we go in rickshaw, she forces the rickshawpuller to first throw the bidi or cig that he is smoking, then climbs his rickshaw... ( once the rickshawpuller charged me one rupee extra for the cigerett she asked him to throw away) .... what to tell about drinkers.. she has almost stopped talking to our neighbour(old man) coz he is too much into drinks these days... But then she, being young is too harsh on anyone who smokes or drinks....

    priyum
     
  10. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    Hai Priyum,
    my hubby also is a teetotaller. He does not even go out with his friends. He is a strict vegetarian also. I am so much releaved in this matter. It is very difficult to wean a man away from drinks once he starts the habit. And I have made it a habit of telling my son about the illeffects of all these habits. He is in his teens now.
     
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