so, ideally how should we live?

My opinion is, unless parents are too old and sick to do it for themselves, they should be making their own lunch and taking care of their own households.

Think of it this way.... if I have a child, I won't mind changing their diaper when they're small and can't do it themselves. But when that child is 15 years old and fully capable, I surely don't want to be in the bathroom with them cleaning up his or her behind.

Me and my dh live seperately from all parents and siblings. And everyone makes their own lunch. And we're all doing just fine.

 

dear monita,

i know it is a problem a lot of women are facing. it is indeed sad, that education has not done much to alleviate the injustice done to them. it is laudable, that you wish to take care of your mother :clap. however, i cannot say that all women show a burning desire to look after their parents. there are women i know, who shrug off the responsibility of looking after their aged parents, saying that it is the son's duty to look after the parents :hide: or that they are aged too and not in a position to take of their parents.

that apart, don't you think it is upto the woman to take a firm stand and say she also owes a duty to her parents? i do not know how old your mother is. does she stay close to your place? is she in need of immediate care? i think, if both of them (ma and mil) are healthy and in a position to take care of themselves, why not allow them to do so till such time they need help. then when the time comes, whoever needs help first gets looked after first. if such a time comes, then you will need to work out a situation where you can take care of both. do you think that your dh or mil will have an issue with that? have they said that you may not take care of your mother? does your mother live alone? if that is the case, you will have to make your point quite clear to them - when the time comes. if both your mil and mother are ok as of now, why are you already getting upset about this?

as for mil, if she is living with you, and if she is fit enough, let her chip in and help you out. go out to work and she will have to do so. as for cooking for her and looking after, don't we do that for anyone who lives with us under her roof?

 

monita,

i am glad to hear that. the suggestion was well meant.

by the way, many parents these want their independence too and do not want to stay with their children as far as possible. each one wants to be that way. my mom stayed on her own for 5 years after my dad passed away. then at the age of 80 she started showing signs of onset of senile dementia. that is when we had to force her to come and stay with us turn by turn. with medication she is alright, but not good enough to be left on her own. at 82, she still insists that she is capable of looking after herself and wants to stay on her own in her own house.

apart from that, i really think, if older people do not stay active as long as they can, they will start showing signs of deterioration - physically and mentally - much earlier than otherwise. so by looking after them from age 50, we are not necessarily doing them a favour. a bit of prudent balance is very important in such matters.

 

sadly but truly, we lack the innate honesty and the courage to admit to that.:bonk

 

My mom is about 52 and would be so offended if I implied that she needed to be 'cared' for at this point in her life. She is still taking care of others as a volunteer at our local hospital. She still goes out with friends and all the ladies on her street get together for exercise groups and activities. So.... I have a hard time with parents in their 50's expecting live-in help from their children. I know people age at different paces. But COME ON, 50 is old ?!? When my dh is 50, his children will be about 10 years old!!! That'll be the prime of our lives! So, should he sit at home all day and enjoy his "twilight" years while me and the kids do other "young people" stuff? Sounds ridiculous to me.

I think Indian elders get mentally old way before they get physically old. Meaning some start expecting joint family setup even when they are still able to care for themselves. My grandfather was able to look after all of his own needs until he hit 85. From that point on, he needed help, and we ALL stepped up to help him in whatever way he needed. At one point he did go in a nursing home (i.e. "old age home") but that was only because he had severe heart problems and needed medical care around the clock while he was recovering.

 

A good thread !
But one should not compare parents and in laws and feel resentful.
Some people think that 50 is old, the MIL/Mom should stop using cosmetics, dressing nicely , shopping etc . Visiting a beauty parlour will invite sniggers .According to them as soon as a lady turns into a MIL she should start praying and lead a retired life , do holy things. Go for pilgrimmages instead of trips to Goa !
But in smaller cities this is exactly how people in their 50s are treated . So they need looking after !!!!!!
In metros its a different story . There MILs and Moms are wearing trendy clothes, seeing movies , shopping , going for coffee etc. Sometimes a MIL /Mom is better turned out than youngsters.
They live to the fullest , are open minded and love to live away from DILS etc.
Its all in the mind.
But all old people are different , some are smart and resourceful, others are not and need looking after.
But during deliveries the DDs/DILs want the old Moms and MILs to cosset them .
Yes siblings do feel hemmed in if parents live with them. But why compare a widowed MIL living with her son and feel resentful ?
If there is no brother then its assumed that the DDs will take care of their parents as they will be inheriting everything too.