Small issues that ruin my mental peace

sharadi · Oct 7, 2015

Hi all,

I have a great relationship with my inlaws and absolutely no issues as such.

But off late there are small things she does that get to my nerve and on days that I am feeling tired/low energy, they appear to be real big and spoil my mood.

1. She is a very simple lady who doesnt believe in unnecessary spending. I consider myself to be of similar mindset but at times things she does just tick me off.
Like,whenever we go grocery shopping she only buys veggies that are the cheapest . Usually at home she never cooks or let me cook vegetables, dals as she thinks they are expensive. the only thing she cooks is potatoes bought from costco in bulk..
If I need to get my way of healthy cooking/eating I need to be adamant and take control of what is bought cooked and served. It does work mostly but I end up feeling terrible that i have to spend my energy to get my point across for such small stuff
2. She picks on my brain about everything, from what to make for breakfast to what to gift people for occasions. I initially avoid saying do whatever you think is right but she harps on it till i start throwing suggestions, then sits and rejects all of them one by one. Finally, I give one last suggestion which she always agrees to and then goes and does what she had in mind at the start of the conversation.
My point is if you know what you want, and have the freedom to do it why drag me into it create a pointless argument and then do as you please leaving me with a raised BP?
3. everyday mundane tasks like doing the laundry, using swiffer, cleaning bathrooms end up in a struggle as she keeps hovering around asking me not to do it or use minimal amount of cleaning agents in case i use a few extra drops and waste it. And certain "cleaning" methods she suggests are appaling. Eg: cups used for tea can be rinsed in hot water without soap, plates used for snacks, vessels used for frying, once empty can just be wiped down with a dishtowel and reused. I scream inside, smile outside and just do what I think is right .

All the above thing happen in a very cool calm sweet way. No raised voices arguments accusations. We both are aligned on the big picture of life and I love having them around and usually tackle all these with ease

But off late I see myself getting very tired with a hectic work schedule and am already high strung when I get home and cant seem to cope with this so need your ideas.

Jas8085 · Oct 8, 2015

Since she is otherwise nice, why dont you have a calm chat with her about the importance of eating veggies and dal and also about basic quality of life?

YoGirl · Oct 8, 2015

The better side also looks horrible sometimes.
OP, if these tips were given by your mom, would you feel the same?
Previous generation ppl were very careful in spending and would save a lot for next generations. But , our generation is a little relaxed, thanks to them.

There are lot of ppl who complain that MIL will don't talk to them or won't involve them in household stuff and treat them like outsider. Well here you are...its opposite in ur case and you still feel suffocated.
Alas!! why doesn't God choose like-minded DIL and MIL to pair up !!

Op, continue to suck it up and smile from outside. I think ur MIL is doing fine...you can't change her. See if her tips can make sense...use them if needed...else don't let them reach your ear.

Don't take her grocery shopping or grow veggies in your backyard.

kcb · Oct 9, 2015

It is called generation gap....but as you said all are simple issues, if your MIL is listening type then have a chat with her about the healthy food. Explain to her that need for eating healthy food has increased in this present generation as the stress levels are increased compared to her generation, and tell her that you can afford spending on veggies and dals....show her some health related stuff / videos based on importance of eating healthy food on internet.....yes i agree, its irritating sometimes especially when you are tired, but deal with these issues carefully as you didn't have any other major issues with her....end of the day your relationship with MIL also very important, so try to deal with her carefully.

guesshoo · Oct 9, 2015

Since you don't have any other issues with her, tell her - not ask, but tell her that it is important to eat fruit and veg; tell her that it is totally unhealthy to eat only potatoes and that you will end up having to spend a lot of money for medical care layer in life if you don't eat healthy now. Tell her exactly what components should be there in each meal.

Assure her that with all their blessings you have enough to eat well rather than like a pauper. Tell her you want all of you at home to eat well - what is the purpose of earning if we don't spend on good quality food. Repeatedly and consistently overrule her with good humour.

2. Refuse to engage repeatedly. Tell her her first idea is good. Tell her, mum I don't want to get involved because from the discussions we've had until now we are just wasting our time. You know what you want, always. Let stop the discussion now. And move away to make tea or check posts or pick up a book.

3. Directly say, we, mum! That's extremely unhygienic. Let's not invite bad health by penny pinching.
If she is advising you to do something against what you are about to so, cut her off and keep saying, "Don't worry mum. I'll handle it my way." Repeat the same thing 200 times if need be calmly. She should eventually stop.

You need to respond in a non confrontational way protecting your sanity too. It will ease out

cheenu123 · Oct 9, 2015

Please don't lose your sleep over such paltry issues. I was sailing in the same boat in the initial years of marriage. You are lucky that your MIL gives you so much regard. Let her take a final call but you please give your opinions whenever they are sought.
Like the senior ILs say, pick your battles wisely!

Priya16 · Oct 9, 2015

Is she guest or lives with you.

If she lives with you then go and get veggies yourself. Once the veggies are home, I'm sure she wont throw away. One way or other she had to cook,
Keep repeating that and don't give up.
How about your husband? Can you he eat potato all the time?I think ,that should come from him.He should tell,Mom I'm not going to eat potato curry anymore and I want dal. Probably that will work. If he resist to eat the food, then she may cook something else.
Why she needs to come for grocery shopping? You guys can get and keep them at home right?
My MIl would do the same ,as she raised in very low income family so she feels everything in expensive. But you need to take control and resist to eat unhealthy food.

sharadi · Oct 10, 2015

I try my best to handle it in a calm way but sometimes it does show on my face. Usually I just walk away from there , compose myself and come back, but only on some days I end up frustrated.

Its not an issue about money in the growing up years, they are very well off. It's just her attitude.

I have taken over the kitchen and do cook , only to see all of it untouched with the claim that they have a poor appetite. She is ok with seeing veggies wilt in the fridge and only when I decide to gather them and trash them will she rush to use them up.

same goes for everything in the house. It's like an unsaid rule that fresh food should be preserved and only consumed after it begins to go stale.

It used to bother me earlier but now I just go ahead do what I want and tell anyone who cares to hear that my MIL doesn't eat at all and neglects her health.

It is more of a concern for her that adds up to my irritation.