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Sleeping Apart Since Having A Baby

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Deborah, Aug 30, 2017.

  1. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies!
    Posting this here as I couldn't find any other suitable subforum. If there is one, kindly point it out and I will move it.

    So, we shifted from a one bedroom flat to a house when my little one was around 8 months ( she is 16 months old now) . We tried sleeping together in one bed ( all 3 of us) but it didn't work out . Lets just say that H is not a silent sleeper and kept waking the baby up. So I moved to another room with the baby (she used to nurse to sleep and I found this comfortable for myself too). But along the way ( sometime around when she was 1 ) , I have started missing sharing the bed with my H and want to get back.Now here is my problem- my H doesn't miss me that much. ( No, he isn't cheating). He used to seek me out initially but not so much presently.This really bothers me. I have asked him directly whether he misses my presence ( not referring to sex all the time) in the bedroom or not. He says he does miss it but he has adapted himself since the baby doesn't sleep without me.So, he has stopped asking or let's just say, he is fine by himself.
    My ques is - isn't this not normal ? Don't the husbands usually want the intimacy and sleeping together back more than the wives ? Are they not the ones asking the wife to join back in the master bed? This thing is really bothering me.Marriage is fine in all other aspects ( with the usual squabbles and also hugs and kisses).
     
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  2. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    Wow ! No help ? Did none of you ever have a situation like mine? Are the husbands always ready to jump back into the bed with the ladies or mine is an exception ( and a potential problem)? I am just trying to get a perspective here as I don't know what to do. I would sure like to have a husband who would be more than happy to share a bed with me again.
     
  3. Sunburst

    Sunburst Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Deborah . It's perfectly normal . I co-slept with my older kid in one room while hubby slept in his bed . In our case , I am a light sleeper and as it is I was waking up with the kid . Now with hubby being fidgety in bed or with his RLS , I used to wake up all the time . Also, he would want to read a book to unwind for the day which means keeping the night lamps on and I used to find it very disturbing . So moving to a separate room worked best for me . Again , when the 2nd one was born , I slept with her in a separate room and hubby and older one slept together . I was very scared of the older one kicking or waking up my baby so this option worked perfectly fine for us. We never really made a big deal or gave it much thought because at that time all of just wanted to get some sleep no matter how . We did what worked best for us at that point of time . It's hard to sleep together in 1 bed when kids are kicking and moving all around . Other option is you could get a toddler bed and move it right next to your master bed. That way all of you can sleep together . Love and intimacy is always there and temporary changes like this shouldn't really affect anyone in the grand scheme of things .
    Don't worry , soon you and him will be sleeping together and then you will be missing all the cuddles with your baby. It doesn't last too long !
     
  4. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you for the kind words. I guess I just miss him missing me . Or I wonder does he even miss me?Do I make any sense? I wish he would be a bit verbal about how he would like us back to normal and not too understanding about the kid needing me.
     
  5. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    Deborah, you totally make sense & from time immemorial, movies, media have always portrayed men to chase women , no matter what. But in reality, even though men want you, they won't go out of the way to take / carry you away in the middle of the night because:
    1. They are tired & have slept by the time kids go to sleep 2. They have to go to work the next day .. 3. He wants to be understanding & not disturb you with his wishes, when you are a busy, tired mom

    So as romantic as it sounds , it's impractical, isn't it?

    But try this.. one of the days, put your Dd to sleep early & join dh in bed. I am pretty sure, he will initiate intimacy then.. it's just timing & circumstances..
    Also matter of time .. once your child grows & can sleep in separate bedroom, everything will be normal back again.
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2017
    sindmani, Rihana, bruised234 and 3 others like this.
  6. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    PS : there was another thread on the forum where the OP in a similar situation, complained that her husband was selfish & only wanted her for intimacy.. he would carry her from her child's bedroom to theirs only for that purpose but was otherwise a unhelpful, selfish husband.. now tell me, is that romantic?
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Last edited: Aug 31, 2017
  8. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    You have yourself mentioned that he is not cheating. Then whether or not it is normal, why are you worried, you should be happy. You should be happy for several reasons - your husband has told you he misses your company but he is okay because of the baby, he did not say it is totally fine, you get to sleep for now, you don't have to worry about upsetting him. Don't think too much into it. If at all, talk to your mom or someone and try to get some time for yourself and H. Don't get so worked up on the intimacy part. The least you should worry about is that one. What you should think about is your sleep and your health, comfort and the baby. Not about husband and why he is not coming to you.
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry to disagree here.
    Intimacy and husband's warmth is important in a marriage life at any given stage. It is equally important as your health, comfort of the baby etc...

    Your worry is right. It happens with almost all the new mothers at some points.

    Don't wait for someone to bell the cat.
    There are so much grey areas between black and white, right.
    Your H may be unsure whether you are ready for intimacy or not.
    He may be confused about your mood as a new mom. Perhaps, he doesn't wanna disturb his sleep deprived wife and newborn for his needs.
    For men (and even for women) sex is a priority in marriage, but as adults we learn to adjust according to our partners' comforts. That's what called love.

    Since you are ready, it is time for you to shift to your master bedroom.
    Just move in there with the kiddo, and co-sleep.
    Kid may be fussy if your H snores loud. But it is temporary phase only. She/he will learn to sleep with that noise.
    Your H may feel disturbed and wake up several times during the night as and when you both (kid and you) wake up for nursing. Don't bother. Let it be.. After all, as a father of your kid, he needs to experience this.

    As humans, we learn to adjust and adopt to the new life style as it comes.
    If you sleep separate for the sake of kiddo, and leave it as it is for a longer time, then it might become your routine.
    You both would get adjust to this comforts; hence learn to live without intimacy.
    This is how many marriages become so platonic after sometimes, and sex becomes their last priority.
    That is not good for young couples.

    In my case, I made deliberate efforts to move back to our master bedroom despite of several minor hindrances.
    But that eventually brought our marriage life back on track.
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op,there could be any number of reasons why he is not so keen now.

    May be he was hurt that he was abandoned because of his snoring.

    May be he resents you for not letting him be part of the new set up.

    May be you too have some bad sleep habits and he is now enjoying sleeping away from you.

    You gave him an out from baby responsibility at night and may be he does not want to be part of it now.

    May be he has got used to sleeping alone and no longer cares to share the bed with you.

    These are the pit falls of not valuing the marital bed for what it is . It represents the special relationship between a husband and wife . Only in extreme circumstances should one opt out of sharing the bed.


    I can understand a new born being alarmed by the noise and you taking some time out for the kid ...but to continue sleeping separately for so long shows he is not the only one who doesn' t care.A bed is not just for sex...it is a bond.
    Men also can't be turned on and off like switches.

    If you feel the need to share the bed again,why are you hesitant to make the move?
    Why should he be the one to make a move?
    What if he makes the move and gets told his snoring is not acceptable again.

    Make the move if you want changes.
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2017

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