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Sister

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Anshika, Jul 1, 2019.

  1. Anshika

    Anshika New IL'ite

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    My sister and her family ( bil and kids) are visiting us since 1st week of June and they intend to stay for a month or may be more. They are looking for a business in and around our city and need a place to stay. I am a new mom (6 month old baby) and work from home. I breastfeed my baby. My hubby has a stressful job. They have two separate rooms ( one for sister/bill and 1 for kids). They share one bathroom. Most of the time nieces use our bathroom, which I’m okay with. They use the kitchen as they wish. I don’t have time to cook or clean.

    Now there are some things that I don’t like: a) I feel that my sister gives high priority to her kids and husband in everything (food, seating, etc. ). b) Our independence is lost, we cannot watch tv as kids are always watching tv at night. At times we don’t have a place to sit on the sofa. House is always cluttered. c) My sister or bil cooks dinner. My husband does not take lunch and eats out since there’s no leftover (not due to sis’ family. It has been like this since we have a newborn. I don’t have time and energy to cook so We used to get tiffin in the evening for dinner and I would keep leftover for my lunch and hubby would eat out) But sometimes I feel that she can make little bit extra so that my hubby can take it for lunch next day. She knows that my hubby likes home cooked food. d) nowadays, I fix my own lunch. Sis fixes her kids’ lunch. She would not make extra. She knows that I breastfeed/ pump and need food. There are times I feel dizzy without food. Sis and bil don’t eat proper lunch (either fruits or leftover from kids plate). e) At times she will use up most of the veggies and there will be nothing much left for my lunch. I know I may sound cheap but we get stuff in bulk over the weekend and don’t have time to stock up on weekdays. At times my bil gets some extra milk or fruits from outside during weekdays.

    We had a fight this morning about something and aren’t speaking since then...I haven’t told her anything about the issues that we are facing. Not sure what to do but feel very suffocated with everything bottled up...please help.
     
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  2. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Op :
    Is she your own sister? Why haven't you communicated with her earlier about your new born situation and the difficulty in accommodating the entire family?
    Nieces don't have school to attend?
    Even if it's one's own sister it's difficult to accommodate entire family for such long period.
    You said June 1st week they came? And they planned a 1 month stay. So as per their plans they should be leaving in another 1week?

    Check with them about the progress in their business venture. Since you have accommodated them for nearly a month I'm assuming that another 1 week should be okay (with and without she helping) . If they plan to extend their stay ask them how long it will take for them to settle with new house/accomodation of theirs.?

    If your mom can come and help you then I think some problem can be solved.

    In any case I found what you have written a bit weird. She not helping you in cooking and you not communicating properly and she staying at a sister's place for such long period that too when you have a new born.

    Talk and get things sorted.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2019
    nakshatra1, BhumiBabe and shravs3 like this.
  3. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Communicate openly with your sister.
    Apologise for your outburst. Confess that you were stressed/moody. When people are guests at our home we shouldn't be rude to them even before we have communicated our requirement.

    Request your sister to make a little extra dinner. Thank her for it. Take up cooking for the family one time a day. Let the meal be simple. Let them not feel that they are in charge of both lunch and dinner daily. Communicating openly should solve most of your issues.
    Tell your nieces that today their aunt want to watch xxx program. Talk to your nieces like how you would with your own. If you shower them with genuine love and concern, you can also correct them when needed.
     
    BhumiBabe likes this.
  4. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    This problem isn’t going to get fixed until unless you talk or they leave.

    How did it come to this ? Are you n your sister not close ? Close enough to stay but not talk ?

    Are you the only one buying the vegetables , does she not buy ? Is it about the money or she can’t go ? Or she’s expecting you to do all the spending for including them ?

    Why can’t you tell your sis to cook a lil extra for you? It’s not like she’s cooking separately for you.

    Tv time, talk with the kids. You are their aunt.

    Take her alone n talk to her about what’s wrong. You guys can do cooking together, like you can sit n chop n she can do the cooking, share or do stuff together. May help in bonding too.
     
    nakshatra1 likes this.
  5. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Apologize to your sister. They are in need of a place to stay. We women accommodate with inlaws but when it comes to our parents or siblings, we magnify their limitations. Imagine how uncomfortable your sister and bil must be to stay in others home. Comfort them and male them feel like home. They way we treat our guests defines us. Especially it’s your elder sister. Think about the companionship you might have shared during childhood. If we see the positives, even a cluttered house won’t matter. What matters is family and love in my opinion.
     
    sbonigala, SGBV and Vedhavalli like this.
  6. Hopeless4lyf

    Hopeless4lyf Senior IL'ite

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    I think it maybe wise to sit down and talk to her about troubles you have been facing as a new mom. And see if she can lend a hand. If she cannot than ask her politely to at least control things that are bothering you. Like maybe the kids get specific TV time and then adults get some.
     
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  7. Anshika

    Anshika New IL'ite

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    I Thank each and everyone for taking their time to respond.


    After the fight, my sister went to the temple and we hugged on the same day afternoon. We apologized to each other for the outburst. My hubby was not happy and advised me to control my emotions. He said that they are our family and need support at this time and we should try to ignore certain things like clutter or watching tv etc...since its a temporary arrangement. I spoke to my sister regarding my need to have proper food. It seems she has understood and there is a change in her behavior. She has also started preparing lunch for me.

    This makes me think how did people in old times used to host families during summer vacations or festival seasons. I remember going to my mamas place for a month or so....Did they not face any trouble or people during that time had more tolerance?
     
    Vedhavalli, shravs3 and Thyagarajan like this.
  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    All is well that ends well.
    A time would come that your family and you might need their (sister’s family ) help to accommodate for a week or so. Life is team work with kin and kith at times.
    God bestows robust mind and health for accommodating couple.
     
    messedup likes this.
  9. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Here are my thoughts on this.having family staying for long time is a lot of work, but being nice goes a long way. However, it doesn't mean you have to give up everything in your life to accommodate theirs.

    1. Since you dont have time to cook or clean, its easy if you get boxed lunches and microwave or easy cooking options. If your sister is not staying with you, how do you plan to manage? Keep that in mind, and plan your day accordingly. If your sister takes away food/time/space talk to her and let her know it is not okay, but acknowledge that you still love your sister.
    2. They are guests in your house. I do not think you need to feel obliged to let them do whatever they want. But since they are family, ask them nicely about the things you dont agree with. It is better to let them know right away than waiting for another day or husband to come home. you don't have to be rude.
    3. It is not nice to ask them to do things that you are not doing in your house. (Since you don't cook, you can't ask them to cook for you or your family). It is not your sister's job to make anyone in your family happy. For her, the top priority will always be her husband and kids. It has to be like that for you. DO what you have to do to make your family's needs are met.
    4. Since they are staying long term, I think it is okay to ask them to share groceries. At least the stuff they use. If they use your grocery, put it out there to keep some vegetables for you. If you didn't ask, you are not going to get anything. Even the tv. Tell them they can watch for an hour or two, then you have to watch. And make sure you follow through. It doesn't have to be a fight, play nicely such that everyone gets their turn. They might get offended at first, but if you tell them from the beginning, I think they will understand. After all they are family.

    Hope you resolve all of the conflicts soon!
     
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Communication is the key.
    I understand your need as a new mother, and your expectations regarding lunch for your husband.
    But what i don't understand is your silence about them.
    Why can't you talk to your own sister about all these...
    Simple communication like, 'Sissy put some extra rice... Make more veggies as i too need them... Or something like, asking sister to get something of your need whenever they go out.
    Either you can ask them out of love or may be by giving money for the things you need from the market whenever they go for shopping.

    It all has to happen spontaneously just like that. The bond between the two of you should be that much thick to make it happen.
    Then only you can host them for a long time.
     

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