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SILs/DILs of different kinds

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Gaur78, Mar 14, 2012.

  1. rissy

    rissy Silver IL'ite

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    Contd.. from my first post in this thread

    hmmm, maybe she is moody, & in addition egoistic kind as you mentioned. If she is of sadistic nature & enjoys the misery of others, then I can say she is not so good of a human being. If in general, she is a bad-nature person, then not only she must be a bad dil and bad wife, but she must be bad daughter, bad sister, a bad sil to her brother's wife and eventually become a bad mil too. Even if she might be maintaining good relation with her own side, then possibly not because she values realtion with them, but because she might be opportunistic, could it be. There is no ground rules that always mil's and sil's nature is bad or always dil's are careless towards in-laws, its about what kind of people involved. A bad person if bad daughter, then eventually they might turn out to be a bad dil and bad mil too. My ex's mother was horrible mil to me (abused me verbally & emotionally), but to her older son's ex-wife too, & she was horrible sil to her brother's wife too, horrible co-sister to her co-sis & also, & even a bad mom to her own sons, she broke both her son's marriage, & a bad dil to her mil, her mil (my ex's grandmom) was a gem of person. My ex's father was not just bad father, but a cheating defaulter businessmen, stealing neighbour, horrible fil to me & his previous ex-dil, & overall most ungrateful son to his own 90 year old mom. I think those sons are better who atleast make an effort to put their old parents in old age home, but he didn't even went to see his mom when she was fractured & living alone at her hometown. The 90 old lady still live alone, but my ex's parents won't bring her with them, their business right, but this people wanted their own son to be shravankumar and expected sewa (slavery in any sane person's language) from me and his previous ex-dil. Even if my ex and his brother remarry, the other two girls will too abandon them, I am 100% sure about that, nobody can deal with such highly hypocrite cunning abusive spiteful revengeful past baggage career cheap people. In short bad people will be bad to all.
     
  2. rissy

    rissy Silver IL'ite

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    Contd.. from my second post in this thread

    hmmmm, well why she consider only her parents but not her in-laws, why does she not allow her kids to talk to her PILs, she mush have enough reason to do so. Maybe her in-laws did something bad to her & never treated her like family, maybe they were expecting all duties of a good dil from her but hesitant to give her rights. Maybe the kind of safety she is feeling with her parents & brothers, she is not feeling same with her in-laws. It could be fault of in-laws & dh, who knows.

    There is nothing wrong with a mother to decide whom her minor kids can talk to and whom not, note my words, I said MINOR Kids, afterall it is her minor kids & as a mother of minor, she is the one who has official right and responsibility as a care-taker, as a parent, as a mother, she knows what is best in the interest of her kids, if she is not allowing pils to talk to kids, there must be other side of story. Maybe the pils are controlling, who wants to use the kids as a pawn, maybe the dil sensed that her pils might give wrong preachings to kids, they can be a bad role model for a kid or just have bad effect on their mind, maybe the pils are loud and abusive & she doesn't want her kid to be around such people, who knows. Now some may argue that why the pils can be bad role model or bad effect on kid, afterall they had more experience, had raised her dh, etc, etc. But there is no ground rules that a person had more experience or had birthed and raised more kids must be expert. I can say from my own experience, during childhood, my controlling cow maternal grandmom was always controlling my mom, telling her she is stupid and don't know how to control kids, brainwashing her against my dad and us, whenever my mom took us to her place in vacation, she was threatening to give hot brand to me, once she locked me in a dark room for minor mistake and my spineless mom didn't raised a voice against her, but my mom was of old generation, but if I would be in her place today, definately I would never allow my kid to be around someone like her, be it my own mom, my own siblings or my in-laws or anyone else, even dh incase need arise. A mother has right to decide whom her minor kids can speak to and whom not. Can't blame her, even if she is doing it for no reason. But I am sure there must be reason.
     
  3. rissy

    rissy Silver IL'ite

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    Contd.. from my third post in this thread

    Again one side of story is presented. Was the guy forced to sacrifice and convert to her religion? As u said it is a love marriage, so maybe it was the guy who was crazy behind her and might wanted to go to any extent to marry her, maybe the girl was in love but she didn't wanted to hurt her parents by marrying a guy from different caste, so she might had said no to him, but the guy might be so crazy that he might have agreed to convert his religion and that he did, good. But wrong to say he gave big sacrifice, he might have done it for his lust, or say it was he too who had treasure to marry a girl of his choice and he did it, but that doesn't mean that he should expect sacrifices from the girl too. The girl liked him so marry him, right, but if she is not comfortable with in-laws and in their house, then why not that fact is respected, what is wrong if the guy go to girl's home to stay with her. I know here everyone will put the girl in bad light for doing so, it is easy to judge others & call them selfish, but only if u put yourself in their shoe then you'll understand. If the guy really loved that girl, then it is his duty to make her comfortable, if she is not comfortable in joint family then why not he stay seperate with her.

    Now you may say that I am too selfish to have such suggestion. Well see, there is nothing wrong if a girl wants a nuclear family. Why there is so much bragging about joint families and its value in our society, I don't understand. Why the girl who wants nuclear family is considered spoiled brat in our society. What is wrong in wanting nuclear family, what is wrong in wanting one's privacy, what is wrong in not wanting to stay with in-laws?

    Firstly let us see this way, when the guy convert his religion for her, then girl might have trusted him that he can do anything for her and keep her happy lifetime, she got ready to marry him, left her family for him, but when she came to her in-laws' place, things were different. Maybe she wanted to adjust, she might have tried, but she couldn't. Also, from my personal experience, I can say that people, especially husband do change after marriage. A guy who act crazy lover behind a girl, may act as typical mommy's boy or a careless husband after marriage. Before marriage he wanted a girl at any cost, but after marriage some of this guys think, now she is mine, where will she goes, and they come to their real mode. They show their careless attitude to her. Maybe the girl had problems, which the husband was not fixing and overlooking, and the girl finally went back to parents.

    Or just like you mentioned, she actally isn't comfortable at in-law's place, well not only she, but her dh also is to be at blame for that. This is common mistake which people do in love marriage. In love marriages, before marriage, lovers are just blind, they don't think about the responsibility and consequences of married life, people just jump into marriages without working out on logistics. Wasn't it the duty of dh to analyze before marriage - Is she fit for my family? Will she adjust with my parents & family? She had lived in big home, will she adjust in my small home? She is rich father's daughter, will she stay in my limited income? Had he find out, or just assumed that if I convert into her religion, I can expect any sacrifice from her too, but can sacrifice be forced? And a girl too, just because a guy acted in bollywood hero style before marriage, gave so-called sacrifice by converting into her religion in hero style, she got impressed, had she thought that if she will be able to adjust in his home, family, income etc.
     
  4. rissy

    rissy Silver IL'ite

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    What is wrong in wanting a nuclear family?

    Contd... from my 4th post in this thread

    Coming to this point about girls wanting to stay in nuclear family, I think there is nothing wrong with it. But often a girl who don't want to stay with in-laws is put in bad light. Pls note, I am talking about those dils who don't want to stay with physically healthy in-laws, by healthy I don't mean 50 plus in-laws having minor problems like BP or joint troubles. I think if the inlaws are too old like 80 plus or are sick then ya, it becomes duty of son or daughter (yes, not just son, even daughters) to take care of them.

    But see, what happens in our culture, most people want a male child, not all will go for female infanticides, but ya, 90% of families prefer male child, why? Because of this notion, that a girl is of no use, spend money behind her upbringing, education, dowry etc. and send her to her in-laws home. But boy is an investment, which matures when he grows up. Not only he will earn for us, but bring dil who will take care of them, do chores, do SEWA of them, etc. And son even gets marry, bring wife, she is expected to do SEWA, but in-laws often takes advantage of vulnerability of dil and her family and alway tries to suppress her. I know times had changed now, but mentality still haven't changed. Maybe due to the effect of changing times and strict laws in-laws usually don't dare to abuse dil, but they still bully as and when they get chance. I don't say all in-laws are like that buy majority of are. Still are!

    The mentality of people don't change easily despite of changing times, because the foundation of the family value system in our culture itself is wrong. Why such unreasonable expectation from dil, why such notion, that a dil is obligated to adjust in any condition, she is obligated to do SEWA of in-laws, etc. I think the word 'sewa' means service. Service to society, service to mankind, service to humanity. Those who are giving service is great people, like mother teressa, but but but, how can a service be forced on someone, how can someone be forcefully made obligated to serve to someone, Isn't service optional. For eg: Donating is a noble service, but it is optional, can someone be ever forced to donate, or can donating be made a compulsory duty. How can it be imposed as dil's duty to win the heart of in-laws by doing their sewa, to serve the in-laws, do their chores, etc. And for once, most dils even get ready to do that, but in most cases, what they gets back in return, period: Despite of doing duty, most of the time, when most dils are critisized, bullied, suppressed, given no or little freedom, expected to mutely take all injustice/abuse, then no wonder the new generation dils are and will rebel against taking care of in-laws.

    Also there is partiality in our society. A dil is obligated to take care of in-laws, but son-in-law isn't. Why? Some people make silly argument, that in-laws do so much efforts in raising son, so what is wrong in expecting from dil, but my question is, that they had raised their son, not dil, then why expectation from dil, now some may make one more argument, that girl should think whatever her hubby is because of his parents, if that is the case, then her dh should also be made to think same thing abt his wife, then that way he too should be obligated to take care of in-laws. isn't it? Also if the expectation is to financially help (not lavish help) them when need arise, physically take care of them when required, then its still okay, no wrong expectation in that. Also if the in-laws expect from a dil to treat them respectfully, let them be involved in their son's life to some extent, treat them like family, etc. its still okay. But, what happens is that they expect her to stay in joint family and take care of them physically by doing all chores despite they are healthy, obey them like slave, etc. do not raise her voice when they make unlawful interference in her life, let them control her married life, give them all salary/money/gifts etc., expect form a dil to do personal chores of her bil/sil, all this expectation in the name of duties and obligation of dil. Why? Is it reasonable?

    PS- Like I said above, if in-laws are too old and sick, then it is duty of son and daughter to take care of them, but what actually happens in our culture is, usually when son gets married, the in-laws are in their mid or late 40s or in early/late 50s or 60s, depends. Now during this time, even they are perfectly healthy, but they want dil to adjust in joint family. Now the mil had a notion that she handled all chores since years, now she had to handover to dil, she thinks now that the dil arrived, it is her time to rest, so she expect dil to handle all chores. In a process, a dil is many times wrongly dominated and bullied. Even for once, a mil is not so typical mil, she become helpful to dil, but as the saying goes, if 4 vessels are together, they will make a sound. So my question is, why a dil has to bear that sound, why can't she have right to peace. Also there is so much stigma associated in our society with nuclear family. There is a gross generalization about greatness of joint family system. So most dils are forced to stay in joint families as most of guys in our country prefer to stay with their parents, guys only stay seperate if they have jobs in seperate place. So most girls has no option but to choose a guy out of bunch staying with their parents. Now let us assume that, not all mil are bad, but is there any guarantee to it, so imo, this system of staying with healthy parents are graduation and/or reaching adulthood should be eradicated. All the couples should stay in nuclear family, the nuclear family system should be widely accepted, and both husband and wife should be respectful and helpful to each other's parents. Help them whenever need arise, and visit them regularly. Both girl and boy's parents should feel free to visit their married kids whenever they feel like and it shouldn't be like only boy's parents have right and girl's parents not, a married women should have right to help her parents and there shouldn't be stigma that 'beti ke ghar ka pani bhi nahi peena' can't drink even a glass of water of daughter's home, society should not look down upon the people taking help from married daughters.
     
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  5. rissy

    rissy Silver IL'ite

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    What is wrong in wanting a nuclear family?

    One more thing I have observed many times, that many women tell their son, that grow up fast and get married, bring wife so that I can take rest, my brother is teenager still, but many times relatives jokingly tells him, grow up fast and bring in wife to take care of your mom, so your mom can rest. Now I don't understand this, do they get their son married so that they can take rest? are dils brought in so that mils can take rest? Are dils only meant for that? Though they tell it jokingly even, there is this mentality associated with it that dil is meant to do sewa (service to in-laws). Do parents only get their son get married so that his wife come to do sewa and mother can take rest, & things are upto chores, it is still okay, but see, how many rules are associated with that which dil is expected to follow, now no wonder nowadays girls rebel against such system.

    IF a man just want to marry a girl so that she comes in to take care of in-laws, then what is the meaning of marriage then. I don't believe that marriage happens between two families, it happens between two individuals. Yes, India will take few more decade to sink that marriage happens between two individuals and not two
    families.
    See this
    The Hindu : Magazine / Columns : Who owns my marriage?

    I don't think that a women owes to do sewa, to follow rules set by in-laws or to stay in joint family to take care on in-laws. There is nothing wrong with a women to want nuclear family. Why should she considered bad for not wanting to stay with in-laws. I know most women who deep down don't like joint family also don't express freely that she doesn't like joint family system, most women take diplomatic stand in expressing this in a fear that they will be considered as bad for not wanting to stay with in-laws, but there is nothing bad in it. Afterall, everyone has a right to live the life in their own way and on their terms

    Read this
    Why do Nuclear Families face so much criticism? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

    We Should Celebrate Rising Divorce Rates - The India Uncut Blog - India Uncut

    With India's new affluence comes the divorce generation - The New York Times

    Read this too

    Taming The Monster-In-Law
     
  6. rissy

    rissy Silver IL'ite

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    What is wrong in wanting a nuclear family

    Everybody must read this:-

    Breathing space in a marriage

    See what is mentioned in that,
    Read full article, its interesting
     
  7. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: SILs of different kinds

    He can't do it. It's illegal. She has a right to her property and if she doesn't have enough to provide for her expenses, the sons and daughters are obliged by law, to provide for parents' maintenance. Please help the old lady to get her rightful share in the property.
     
  8. Gaur78

    Gaur78 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Rissy,

    I completely disagree with this. You have totally made a wrong assumption of the other side of story. I've been in the place for 30 years and I very well know about the so called MIL & so called DIL.

    Her MIL or the SILs has never urged her to do any household chores. She herself did everything on her own. Acting is the good part on her. She is the one who wont feed her kid. She is the one who don't take care of her husband during illness. She don't live in her in-laws place. She comes for a vacation and made all these trouble.

    I still wonder how she could expect a share in the property. How she could ask for it shamelessly? Was it bought in her father's money or in her own money? The son have all the rights to ask a share in the property but not his wife/SIL/DIL.

    Well, she was the one who throwed her MIL in the outhouse. She was the one scolded his DH in front of the street people. She was the one who threatened her DH by keeping knife on his neck. The whole street people know what a monstrous DIL/wife she was? I've no comments on her !

    Will anytime a granny could poison her grand kids? May be someone could have done somewhere . The person I'm talking about is down to earth and longing to see her grand kids. Even the kid has asked her mom, 'Why you aren't allowing us to talk to our granny'. The kid ended up getting a tight slap from her.

    Now don't say, that her MIL would have told to ask her mom. I've seen the way she drags her kids from her MIL. She will allow kids just for a second as if seeing a prisoner in the jail. The same is the case with her DH. Like you said, if she doesn't like her MIL, DH, why she should stay in this married life and long for the property of MIL.

    Will you call 4 years of love as lust? Why he would long for 4 years. Yes, the guy was forced to convert his religion to hers by her Mom. Her mom said she will not accept to this unless the guy converts to their religion. Don't you think it as one sided. Don't you think he sacrificed his religion just for her? If its lust, then the guy have chosen a wrong girl. These 4 years he couldn't understand his lover.

    The girl want her DH, her mom and she blatantly said she don't want her mom or her sis. If she wants only the son of her MIL, why she should get into a married life and spoil the happiness of a family. Does she know the value of family? If she prefers nuclear family - only her DH and kid, why not say it during bridal selection. She will like the son but not the one who gave him on earth. If she expects that her DH shouldn't stay with his mom, not to talk to them, then why she should talk to her mom, stay with her. Don't you think it's one sided?

    There is nothing wrong in wanting nuclear family. Why she cannot say this during her bridal selection? Fearing that they would run?? She wants to get married and she remained silent during her bridal selection. Entered the house and spitted it into two. Who's selfish here?

    Some people want to get married but they don't want PILs. Then why not choose a test baby or people without parents.
     
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  9. rissy

    rissy Silver IL'ite

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    Re: SILs of different kinds

    Well if the son forcefully took away his mom's propertly & kicked her out from her own house, then not only its illegal, but atrocious. Such son should be punished. If the mom was sick, then it was his duty to take care of her, he has no right to even claim right on property until his mom is alive, leave alone snatching away of property. Yes nowadays people are materialistic, money-minded, but that doesn't mean they fall to the extent of doing illegal & highly immoral act. What this son did is atrocious. Its okay if he want his space with his wife and don't want to live with his mom, but he do not have right to snatch her property, kick her out and throw to old age home without her will. If he didn't wanted to take care of her physically, he could have made arrangement of nurse or send her to good nursing home, or made separate living arrangement for her and provide her till rest of life, but what he did is horrible. A son or dil or even daughter, do not have right to snatch away parents' house or property and kick them out of their own house by taking advantage of their ignorance, naive nature & weakness of old age.

    Gaur, pls note, in my above post I did not have any intention to contradict with you, I had read your disclaimer. But what I want to say is that, most of the time, a dil is portrayed as bad dil or a family breaker, just because she don't want to stay with in-laws, or just becasue she do not want to tolerate any nonsense
    from in-laws or is not ready to fullfill their unreasonable expectations. Yes a dil is a bad/evil dil, if she disrespect the in-laws, by disrespect I don't mean if she firmly stand up to their unjust or wrong behavior or back answer them in reaction of in-laws' abuse, I mean, if she shows attitude, unnecessarily do not talk to them properly, literally abuse them verbally, physically or emotionally, steal from them, manipulate them and play games, expect money or expensive gifts from them, do not let her dh spend even little amount of time/money on them, do not let her dh help them in severe need, ban them from coming to her house, seeing their own son/grandkids for no reason (which is rare), then yes, she is evil dil. But usually a dil is portrayed as bad dil just because she doesn;t want to entertain unreasonable behavior or demands from in-laws
     
  10. Gaur78

    Gaur78 Gold IL'ite

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    Re: SILs of different kinds

    Dear Monita,

    When we asked him, we couldn't hear the words he spoken to us. We filed a case on him for abusing us and her mom. We arranged a lawyer for that old lady in our expense. Only that I could do for her.

    Thank you.
     

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