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Silent Treatment

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by newwife, Apr 28, 2019.

  1. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I believe that women are also partially responsible for encouraging silent treatment because of the upbringing. In traditional set up, we learn 'pathi' as God/ lord of family and should obey him. When they start these controlling method, most are not sure what to do... so they fall into that trap( me too) by responding in a way the abuser want. This cycle continues. So one need to stop / cut/ get out of that cycle.

    We can't change them but we can change our response or reduce the damage , or atleast inform them that this kind of abuse is not acceptable and is not expected from a man of good culture.

    I came across this video today. May be its western thinking.. poor Indian wives trapped in these kind of marriage with kids may not find it very useful. But I noticed it's quite similar to what many ladies wrote in this thread. I found many points valid, so sharing it here..


     
    Last edited: May 24, 2019
    MindVoice, hermitcrab and Agathinai like this.
  2. Mishkaa

    Mishkaa Senior IL'ite

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    I can relate to you and am also in the same situation. I realized a year ago that this is narcissistic behavior and was making up my mind to leave him when unfortunately I got pregnant and now m in a bigger mess.. he puts me down, never answers straight as all his answers are sarcastic replies, he never likes confrontation, if any issues are brought up they are turned around on me making it my fault with his classic response being 'bcz u did this I had to do this or say this', such a big ego that he never accepts he is at fault, never apologizes and gives me classic silent treatment if there is any issue.. when I first received the silent treatment I did the same as u, went n said sorry made his fav food though I was not at fault.. it happened many times until I realized hes a narsissist.

    There is no hope n solution for their behavior. They dont change. Leaving them is our only option when we gather the courage to do it. M hoping one day when my baby is grown up enuf to understand the way he treats me Is wrong, I will leave him with my baby.. and m gonna try my best that my kid doesnt learn this behavior as kids really pick up n behave same way. We have to be careful there..

    Yes, when we walk we walk separate - him ahead of me and me behind.. never has he thought to walk beside me even after telling it as it is

    He says the meanest of things and never apologizes. His anger is huge..

    In front of others he talks and acts like he cares about me.. but then if he really did he would make an attempt to be kind and nice which isnt in his dictionary behind closed doors..

    I dont remember the last time I laughed with him or laughed at all. M miserable and want out.. I want a chance at real love b4 it's too late.. but if only it were that easy ..
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2019
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  3. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    I second every word of this post.
    Very good and detailed post @DDream
     
  4. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    Great that your husband starts talking by evening, once you have the don't care attitude.
    Great it is working for you!
     
  5. Ammu2886

    Ammu2886 Gold IL'ite

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    It really means !!
     
  6. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    I agree with you, these men think that 'they can' so 'they do'.
    Mine went to all boys school. He is only boy who got educated in his entire community- social and village community.
    He told me they used to talk among his friends in his all boys school about how to torture new wife. He was bragging to me. But I realized that not all men from his school are like that- many have done love marriages, and love their wife is arranged marriage etc. He is a specimen.
    He never used to talk but will come and say some weird stuff (unprovoked) - e.g." all Dalits and women are lowly and should be beaten".
    Sometimes, I think it is good he is not talking much.
    Also, some of these silent type men might have some mental problem or least of all, they hate women. Mine definitely hates women.

    Your husband was pulling the urban/ village card on you. But know that it will always be something.
    And you are correct to tell that village girl would have asked for panchayat. Mine also said that I am too educated that's why I am behaving this way. OR, I am girl so I can't do that OR I am from rich educated family, so I am behaving this way.

    Behaving this way- means- I have no gigs, no jobs, no career. I make rotis for him day and night. I listen to all crap from his 3 sis, 3 nieces and other friends and family. He treats me like dirt.

    I started telling the whole scene in my community here in US. That has given me some space to breathe. People might be talking behind my back and may not respect me but I have traded that respect for 'being able to survive in my marriage'.
     
  7. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    I totally understand. I do not want to divorce.

    You can do what you are doing and continue to survive and be fine.

    What you said about the environment being negative and toxic, and it gets to you- it is true.
    I am religious and spiritual, and have become more so, recently- may be an escape. You also try that.
    I tell myself that when looking for friend- god is the best friend. When looking for companionship, god is the best company. Don't think of going to temple etc , just think that there is higher power that is watching over you and will take of you- it is called Faith. Have faith.
    If you are atheist, then above is not for you. Sorry about preaching.

    Are you working outside home? IF so very good. Don't leave that job. I do not work outside home and it is not good, especially for me.

    All the outings with kid/ friends/ girl group/ colleagues- will not fill the void of your husband not talking you like a spouse. But you can survive and take care of yourself.

    Take care of your finances- yours/ joint.
    He doesn't want to talk, that's his fancy; but he has to give you the details of finances - now and for future - in any mode he wants to- talk/ text/ email.

    Take care of your immigration- and your kids. Understand the step where you and kid are and keep the copies of everything.

    Take care of yourself- workout, and take care of looks

    Plan on a inner circle- a group of people that you are close to and invest in them. Like mother, sister..

    You can always get a dog. not joking.

    You can always ask him for sex. Even if he doesn't talk, let it be; just ask him for sex.

    Check with yourself; What other needs of yours are going unmet. Figure it out and if it has something from him, ask for it like a business partner will ask.

    Now, never jeopardize- very important things like immigration, your job. This kind of men are known to spoil your hard work or very important things.
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2019
  8. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    thx for sharing
     
  9. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    One time when I was begging my husband to talk to me and I thought, he wasn't getting it. I sent him a pbs link about solitary confinement. He still didn't change.

    Solitary confinement is a jail within jail. So, if the prisoners have to be punished, they are put is solitary confinement.
    How do I know about this? I always knew about it- my mother told me about it when I was very young, telling me that that worst way to punish a hardened criminal is solitary confinement. My mother told me about it and how it relates to emotional abuse and silent treatment in world outside jail.
    I always knew about term Passive aggressive. I knew it is a way to control. Silent treatment is a way to abuse. I knew about it before I was a teenager. Still, I couldn't leave my husband, when there was time.

    So, all the ladies on this thread of Silent treatment, if you are young and there is time to leave, leave..
    Emotional abuse is same as physical abuse.

    Here's link of solitary confinement. If a wife is here in US with no one to talk to, with no job, in foreign land, then the situation a sad and bad, nothing close to solitary confinement but along same lines

    Solitary Confinement: Torture, Pure and Simple
     
  10. agdimple333

    agdimple333 Junior IL'ite

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    So well written. Read it2-3 times. Very impressive & Hugs!!
    Following..
     
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