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Silent Treatment

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by newwife, Apr 28, 2019.

  1. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    advice for you is exactly the same as the op, newwife, here.

    you have an added advantage that the OP does not have - your son is grown up. you can tell him not be his father's messenger. He should tell his father "I cannot do this". And why the hell do you ask if you should serve him lunch and dinner? is he a baby that he can't take it himself? INFORM him when food is ready and your duty is done. do your thing. you eat when you want and if he is hungry, let him serve himself.
     
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  2. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    I have done 'trying to enjoy solo with kid/ friends'. It will not change the husband. It might bring him to negotiating table but then he will get to his own ways soon after. Like a bad gambler- they can not change ways. Being passive aggressive is the way they have learnt to deal with conflicts. It is very hard for them to learn new ways. Passive aggressive ways works for high IQ men to get ahead in job, so it bolsters their confidence that if it works at 'work', it should work at home, as well.

    Living life like a solo person, might be the way to survive but not to change the silent husband.
     
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  3. dhivyacc

    dhivyacc Silver IL'ite

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    Oh OP, i went through all this from page 1 am also exactly in this same situation. Hugs to you dear. even yesterday night I had the feeling that why i need to be in this more.

    But you know, As how others have freedom to do - like going away or living away - especially i dont have that option.

    have to live with that .
    for so many years , even my blood sister who is living nearby, even dint believe that he is like that.
    the drama will be of that much powerful.

    if i say her that later i will get from him, she will say, he is very nice to you de , you need to co-operate with him ... YA :banana::hearteyecat: :crybaby2:

    then at some point he hit me. i dint say anything i left the house as-usual and left to office.
    my parents also stopped staying because somehow or other way he wanted to show that he is super powerful.
    so they were staying in my sister house and daily visit my children.

    so what he thought i dont know, he immediately called and apologized that what he did is wrong.
    and there were sessions going on, my parents advised and my sister(younger) too.

    But till date he dint apologize :blush:
     
  4. dhivyacc

    dhivyacc Silver IL'ite

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    So following your thread , and i could understand the pain though.
    Actually whatever the conflict is , it should be resolved with mutual respect and mutual understanding. If that is there, the life will be beautiful. So obviously women are affected much.
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Please read all replies here,my reply #14. Its applicable to you too. Are you dependent on him. You have to get rid of your emotional co- dependence. You are getting affected , so are feeding and boosting his silent treatment. He wants you to see sad that's how he is boosting his narcissistic ego.You have a
    accepted it and keep on encouraging it.

    In this particular case. Ask yourself, did you do anything wrong? . If not, no need to apologize. Next step go to him and tell him you want to talk, talk in calm composed way, what is issue now. Let us discuss it like adults and solve the issue. No pleading, crying, nagging etc.. show your confident avatar. If he dont talk. Try next day. If he dont respond, then tell him, I respect your silence, let me know when you are ready to talk. Till then dont expect me to behave like your wife. We will be room mates, dont expect any service.

    Focus on yourself. Cook what you want. No need to serve. Call your son then say loudly, food is ready we are going eat it. Then eat it with your son. Your dh can join or eat. Its up to him. But he dont join, let it he. He needs to serve and eat. No need to do his laundry, or anything for him. If he question you, then ask him are you ready to talk and solve the issue? If he not ready continue the same. He should get the message he will loose more if he give you silent treatment.

    In this case he might have asked your son to inform you about the mall visit. Dont go during those silent treatment. If your son conveys message from him, dont listen or follow, tell your son, ask Dad to communicate to you directly. Or just be silent as if you didn't receive any messages. You said he talks when he need something, you do the same. Even if he is silent, go to him and convey things directly. Dont use your son as messager. Explain to your son to tell dad, he cannot act like messenger as mom dont like it. He should not involve in parents issues and focus on his stuff. Kids can understand well if we explain things properly. When you are getting affected by this , you are giving a wrong message to your son that this method can be used as a strong weapon to control wife. So you need to take control for your son by showing that it has no effect on you. So teach your son that it is unacceptable behavior and there no issue in the world that cannot be solved by proper discussion. Its childish to do this way.

    Be happy and cheerful in front of him. Do the same whenever he starts it. I am sure the gap will slowly come down. He is trying to punish you, but you need to take that power from him. You need to exhibit an I dont care attitude.

    Do whatever you want during this period. If you want to go to mall, go with your son, spend more time with kid, eat food, watch movies, enjoy with friends, beauty care, visit family, dress really well or do whatever you like. Start doing all those silly things he asked you to stop. He should get the message that you dont care even a bit. If he goes silent he will be a looser . Try to enjoy this silent period, a break from routine stuff or as happy hours. If you are ready to tolerate and get affected by this, this will never stop. He is trying to control and punish you. Try not to be a victim, but a survivor. Be strong and take control of your life into your hands.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2019
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  6. priyanka12345

    priyanka12345 Silver IL'ite

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    hmm may be as you say that may not change husband fully. But when we start enjoying with son and friends they realize that they cant make us unhappy any more and slowly things change..atleast now even if gives silent treatment he himself knows it wont impact me .. I will carry on with my routine tasks and so he starts talking by evening.. so in a way it worked.
    yes may be at work front they use passive aggressive behavior and think it works here. But if we cant change then , we should change ourselves.
     
    Last edited: May 22, 2019
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  7. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    This is true because deep down Indian men know how many ever friends or hobbies or activities a wife has she is never going to leave the marriage and he can watch her suffer daily without love/affection. So they continue this BS and torture. I was with a husband who literally did silent treatment for 14 years until I finally divorced him. He would just bury his head in the laptop or will be on office calls from dawn to dusk. Even burning matters I have to email or text him. he wont talk to me at all till I beg and plead and listen to all the crap him and his family says. All the fights we have, i had to let go without any solution since he never comes to talk. Only people with no self respect and self esteem can live with him. He says because i am city bred I have "ego" and feels he should have married a "village/town" girl. I told him because I was brought up in city I am keeping this BS inside 4 walls, if its a village girl she would have called a panchayat every month and ripped him apart.

    I asked my American colleagues how they deal this, they said "we need to talk" is a powerful phrase and men will freak out and pull themselves together here because they know the wife will walk out if she is unhappy. In India men just assume that women are powerless and will go no where so love to prolong this BS for long time.
     
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  8. newwife

    newwife Senior IL'ite

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    I agree with you . I have tried a lot to just enjoy my time with my daughter or doing solo things . It is only a way to survive . It doesn’t make me happy. It definitely doesn’t change him .

    After a while the negative environment gets to me... living in a home where two adults don’t talk to each other is stressful and just sad .

    And his passive aggressiveness is just as confusing for the child too.

    Me to my daughter : don’t eat any more chocolates today you already had one
    My husband : you can eat two more because you were a good girl.
    My daughter: mommy daddy said I can have two more

    At this point if i tell her no she will cry and a huge argument will start with my husband which will make her cry even more and she will get two chocolates anyway or I just retreat and say ok have two more

    This Happens with everything homework , bed time etc. because this one person just spends their entire day finding ways to make you miserable and suffer

    People might ask me why I still choose to stay with him when I am an independent working woman .

    1. Parents don’t support divorce or separation
    2 father just underwen treatment for life threatening ailment don’t want to stress him out
    3 my Husbands brother just underwent divorce . His family fought a huge custody battle for only child of his brother . Went to extent of Calling child protective services /making false allegations ... It was a 3 year battle and they won 50 percent custody. Now My brother In law makes my former sister in laws life miserable by passive aggressive behavior ....feeding kid junk food , no school work or studying on daddy’s weekend , lots of toys and expensive gifts , weekend getaways , no bedtime curfew etc . After spoiling the child like this all weekend he returns a crying boy who doesn’t want to return to mommy home on Sunday night . He doesn’t want to because he knows she will send him to school , Make him do homework and will not give junk food .

    The plan is that when the child turns 12 or 13... the court will give weightage to childs preference and to repeat custody battle in court . They r trying to sway the child to choose dad when he turns 12.

    I know it’s a far fetched thought that it will be the fate for me too but given lack of support from parents and this example in front of me I am a little hesitant to divorce yet

     
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  9. newwife

    newwife Senior IL'ite

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    I wonder why these men get married . My husband is same always Burried in laptop

    Inwinde
     
  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    :hello:Matrimonial ads in India especially South looking for GROOMS specifically states information technology soft ware engineers to excuse.
    Brides are becoming smart in selecting husband. IT boys are not getting married because they are begin to be spurned by girls’ party.
    One section states electro magnetic waves from Lap top all time on lap believed to be the reason for many not conceiving.
    Regards.
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