Silent Treatment

@Laks09 ....love this post.

 

Very nice post @Laks09

 

No I don't work outside home. I am adding 'outside home' because I do a lot of unpaid work.

For my ILs and husband, it was a big deal that I do not work outside. I feel if one has a job they are mingling with outside world and can take better care of themselves if need be. Any kind of care- they can find friends, they can find respect, they can stay current in technology, grooming, talking

I do think you should not give up without working on marriage. Try to work on it for 1-2 years and for that time. Figure out what are your goals as a person, do you want more children, more friends, shiny hair and nails- any thing you can think of. Then check which one needs your husband's help e.g. making a baby, changing car tire every 6 month.
Make a promise to work on your goals that don't need your husbands help. For other goals- that do need husband's cooperation- ask calmly for his cooperation. Don't hope for lovydovy answer, just state and carry on with your kitchen work. Say the same on multiple occasions.

In long term silent treatment, there is also a mismatch of expectations from marriage. Check honestly, what are yours and what are his. For his expectations, go by his actions not words. When is he most cheerful, most giving? Those are times he is really happy. What makes him happy. Now, at this time, when you have a list of your expectations, make a subset of items that you know will never be fulfilled in this marriage. Don't think of yourself as victim, but more of a business person. Lower your expectations. Lower his expectations also, but give him something that you can.

Invest sometime in your work colleagues, your parents, your friends. Make financial goals and steps to attain them. Work on your travel goals, eating-various-food goals, basically treat everything as your goal and work on it. You must be in 28-34 group. Enjoy all that you can now. You will have to change your mental frame of reference, a little bit. But say, husband doesn't talk - okay, but will he have sex- then fine, don't let him talk. It takes work, but it can be done. If he enjoy no talk sex, you shift your mental reference to start liking it too. And, don't feel like a victim but more like you are deciding to like it. IF you want to be picked up by husband, or driven around during a busy shopping season- ask him to do that- always calmly- matter fact way

Before start above steps, do give him a taste of his own medicine, for a 2 weeks. And then sometimes.
Taste of his own medicine is being stoic, being women of few words
Always answer his question with a question
OR look at him with puzzled look at his question, and then ask the question
Sometimes, don't say anything to his statements- like a weather comment- don't say anything at all
Sometimes just say hmm
When you come back from a party, don't give your opinion about anything from evening
Do this for 2 weeks as initiation period, and whenever needed for days
Don't go over board because, you don't want him to loose all hope

Work on yourself and marriage in tandem, for a few years. And feeling down, think of god.

Work on yourself and your marriage both

 

That's a good realization. Never over do anything for someone who don't deserve it. Carry on with usual stuff in your usual pace.
Give preference to you. Do whatever needed at your own convenience or your schedule. If he criticize you for cleanliness or anything ,say' this what I can do. If you can do a better job, do it yourself or of you are in a hurry do it yourself. I will do when I feel like doing it '. I made the mistake of cleaning ( crystal clean) my home thinking that it make my dh happy in the first few years of marriage. But when I noticed that my efforts are not appreciated, even after doing everything with kids/job/home etc, I started ignoring his comments or started saying the same above. Now he wont do as he know that its of no effect. What he did was he found a slipper to wear inside so that his feet dont touch any dust .

Also I do cleaning/other household jobs most of the time when he is in home else he will think I am not doing anything. When he is not there, I relax and enjoy my time.

Ask him for help whenever needed. No need to shy away even when he is silent ( ask like I need some help , or can you do this.. when do you think you can join me to finish this job etc..) .Don't treat him as pathi parameswar . Treat him as your equal partner. If he tell you its women's job. You can reply its not written anywhere. Enjoy your me time. Do things that make you happy. But when you notice respect from his side, give him more respect, love and affection to give the message that he get good service only when he treat you well. If he is taking any effort to talk to you, encourage it. Silent treatment is not a good thing to have in marriage as it can create emotional distance. Good luck.

 

I read through the replies.

actually, When both are in anger, the words / action hurts and due to that to calm down people can take a day or two.

But after that either one should start speak and should eventually end the issue understanding both side.

if anything that is not falling under this will affect the children too. this is my opinion.

 

in my home , my spouse use to give silent treatments.
It will go for months too. if we say we are at fault again that fight will come. it wont be solved.

In most cases what he feels is he is always correct and he is actually a good friend if we accept whatever he does is correct and good..
he used to ask me why cant a boy have good girl friends ah etc. but never ever accepted that he is on fault, never asked me sorry for his faults.

but he is a good human, friend, son etc.. all will say in earth we cant see a man like him. all awarded his parents for his brought up etc etc.

But inside four walls , we , me and kids only know how he is.

what i oberseved is during silent treatment, he accumulates all the anger and one day it get burst in an ugly way.
my elder son likes me so much and so he treats him as enemy. hilarious.

younger one goes to both parents because he is unaware or not much understanding the silent treatments and all.

 

M