Sil Tantrums

Sapna56 · Aug 19, 2017

Dear All
Need your honest opinions again. DH is very lenient when it comes to his sister. Small background about his sister. She is unmarried and frustrated and jobless too. DH got her in USA for job and marriage but nothing happened and she had to go back. She always blames DH for her fate. Also she keeps on writing messages to him in which she will curse me. She will use F and other bad words for me. DH will still be quite and not reply anything. Nor will he fight for me. Other day she again gave bad words to me and wrote rubbish that i have done some superstitious magic on DH and so DH has changed. Why don't I go and die somewhere. I am a prosti**** brought by DH and blah blah. After receiving such type of messages DH then blocked her number.
I read this yesterday from DH phone. I was very angry but didn't react initially thinking that DH did blocked her anyways. Then i started asking questions to DH and he kind of got angry. Then I bursted out telling him about these messages.
The reason I was arguing is that he never utters single word in retaliation to his sister and so she crosses her limits. With every such incident she becomes more confident as DH doesn't say anything.
My point was DH must set some limits for her sister so that she don't dare doing something wrong to me.
When she was staying with us she even tried to be physical with me. And DH just let it go. If we stay together she can even harm me physically as she knows that DH is lenient to her because she is the only sister.
If i start any argument with DH he just says that she is my sister. And just to console me he will say that me and our son is his priority.
Action speaks louder than words. Even though he keeps saying this, he will do anything and everything for his sister. He got his sister to our home in US without letting me know. SIL stayed with us for 2 years. DH took all responsibilities of SIL fees and expenses. This clearly shows that he is ready to go to any extent for SIL. He can even break my trust for SIL.

sindmani · Aug 19, 2017

Op, using harsh words on u is highly wrong. Ur husband blocked her number. He too has done his part to convey that he doesn't like his sister talking harshly about u. Now she is in India . so take a smart step as to forget her and her issues for now and get on with ur life. Its just my opinion.

salad · Aug 19, 2017

Dear OP,

I understand how much frustration you are feeling now! I think sometime keeping silent is the way of men to get out of problems (I don't think it helps much though!). If you are getting frustrated and fighting with each other then your sil wins! She used all these words and messages to get you angry and make fight between you guys!

Just imagine, if she is not in the picture how much happy and peaceful you guys have been? Live like that. Show her nothing effect you guys and you are strong and one!

You said she was staying with you guys for 2 years. Do you want to lose another 2 years discussing about it? Anyway your H blocked her number. Which is a very good step. Now you guys enjoy your life.

You can tell him peacefully you need his actions not just words. So next time if he takes any steps to support her do discuss it with you!

ashneys · Aug 19, 2017

If she is abusive and can harm you physically too, then it's advisable to stay as far away as possible from her.

Has she always been like this forever?
Or Did something happen in between?
Is she depressed?
Why is she not successful in getting a job or married?
Is she younger or older?
Why does she hate you?

I think your dh is already under a lot of stress because of her. He feels responsible to fix her life as a brother. N Has supported her as much as he can.

Where are your in laws ?
What do they have to say about this?

Blocking her number shows he's hating her actions n showing it to her too. The point you mentioned about her escalating is very valid. Why not speak to him point to point like an official meeting or write him a letter to explain your side and ask his side? This is purely to avoid arguments and productively sort the issue.

Don't let her continue to ruin your life even when she's not there. Because that's what she wants. Don't give her that power. Just make sure to stay away from her.

Sapna56 · Aug 19, 2017

Has she always been like this forever? Almost
Or Did something happen in between? There were some small fights initially but I just forgot and again started to get along. She and my MIL keeps on cursing my DH even before marriage. Till me and DH got married I wasn't aware of this. Then slowly i saw their true colors after marriage. They behaved very nicely till i got married. DH was already cursed even if he does so much. Marriage just gave them one more good reason. and now they keep cursing both of us. To be specific now they blame me for everything. They are actually depressed and frustrated. And they think that me and DH should only live our lives for them (for their daughter). We should dedicate our lives in betterment of their daughter only. My DH has 2 kids, 1) our son 2) my SIL
Is she depressed? She is.
Why is she not successful in getting a job or married? Initially PIL rejected many proposals for her for some or other reasons. She is pampered his raised with silver spoon. So they looked for rich proposals for her. As she got older she started getting many rejections reasons being little old and not earning well. She could not get good job as she was not good in academics. She took 7 years to get bachelors degree. And she expects to get well qualified and well settled husband like her brother.
Is she younger or older? She is older to me but little younger than DH
Why does she hate you? She thinks that I am reason why brother is getting away from her. Before out marriage, DH did everything for her like a godfather.

I think your dh is already under a lot of stress because of her. He feels responsible to fix her life as a brother. N Has supported her as much as he can.

Where are your in laws? They stay in their native place its a small village.
What do they have to say about this? They might not be aware unless DH tell them and I am sure he won't. They do not take their daughters responsibility and put everything on my DH.

ashneys said: ↑

If she is abusive and can harm you physically too, then it's advisable to stay as far away as possible from her.

Has she always been like this forever?
Or Did something happen in between?
Is she depressed?
Why is she not successful in getting a job or married?
Is she younger or older?
Why does she hate you?

I think your dh is already under a lot of stress because of her. He feels responsible to fix her life as a brother. N Has supported her as much as he can.

Where are your in laws ?
What do they have to say about this?

Blocking her number shows he's hating her actions n showing it to her too. The point you mentioned about her escalating is very valid. Why not speak to him point to point like an official meeting or write him a letter to explain your side and ask his side? This is purely to avoid arguments and productively sort the issue.

Don't let her continue to ruin your life even when she's not there. Because that's what she wants. Don't give her that power. Just make sure to stay away from her.
Click to expand...

Rise · Aug 19, 2017

She is an Adult Baby!! Until she is left to fend for herself she will never succeed. If your husband keeps doing stuff for her she will never grow and always be dependent... The audacity of his sister to call you such bad names is shocking!! That too she stayed with you for 2 years... She needs psycological help... She is extremely jealous that you have a better life than her.. instead of building her own life she is envious of you.... You stay away from her.

happydheivanai · Aug 19, 2017

Sapna56 said: ↑

Dear All
Need your honest opinions again. DH is very lenient when it comes to his sister. Small background about his sister. She is unmarried and frustrated and jobless too. DH got her in USA for job and marriage but nothing happened and she had to go back. She always blames DH for her fate. Also she keeps on writing messages to him in which she will curse me. She will use F and other bad words for me. DH will still be quite and not reply anything. Nor will he fight for me. Other day she again gave bad words to me and wrote rubbish that i have done some superstitious magic on DH and so DH has changed. Why don't I go and die somewhere. I am a prosti**** brought by DH and blah blah. After receiving such type of messages DH then blocked her number.
I read this yesterday from DH phone. I was very angry but didn't react initially thinking that DH did blocked her anyways. Then i started asking questions to DH and he kind of got angry. Then I bursted out telling him about these messages.
The reason I was arguing is that he never utters single word in retaliation to his sister and so she crosses her limits. With every such incident she becomes more confident as DH doesn't say anything.
My point was DH must set some limits for her sister so that she don't dare doing something wrong to me.
When she was staying with us she even tried to be physical with me. And DH just let it go. If we stay together she can even harm me physically as she knows that DH is lenient to her because she is the only sister.
If i start any argument with DH he just says that she is my sister. And just to console me he will say that me and our son is his priority.
Action speaks louder than words. Even though he keeps saying this, he will do anything and everything for his sister. He got his sister to our home in US without letting me know. SIL stayed with us for 2 years. DH took all responsibilities of SIL fees and expenses. This clearly shows that he is ready to go to any extent for SIL. He can even break my trust for SIL.
Click to expand...

Omg without telling us he bought his sister to usa ..this is too much ...

Now at least he blocked her contact know then what leave it...don't fight again and again just tell him clearly about your view and make sure she should not enter into ur life again..once she gets married everything will be ok

Sandycandy · Aug 19, 2017

Your SIL is an entitled spoilt brat and her family seems to be encouraging her behavior. Your husband needs to realize that she will never step up and take charge till he is involved in her life. Dont fight with the husband ( he gets cursed by his own family, so I feel sorry for him ). Explain to him that you will not have anything to do with his sister henceforth . Period. Let's hope he has blocked her , learnt his lesson and will have minimal contact with her. She needs to find a job, marriage will follow later.

ashneys · Aug 19, 2017

Sapna56 said: ↑

Has she always been like this forever? Almost
Or Did something happen in between? There were some small fights initially but I just forgot and again started to get along. She and my MIL keeps on cursing my DH even before marriage. Till me and DH got married I wasn't aware of this. Then slowly i saw their true colors after marriage. They behaved very nicely till i got married. DH was already cursed even if he does so much. Marriage just gave them one more good reason. and now they keep cursing both of us. To be specific now they blame me for everything. They are actually depressed and frustrated. And they think that me and DH should only live our lives for them (for their daughter). We should dedicate our lives in betterment of their daughter only. My DH has 2 kids, 1) our son 2) my SIL
Is she depressed? She is.
Why is she not successful in getting a job or married? Initially PIL rejected many proposals for her for some or other reasons. She is pampered his raised with silver spoon. So they looked for rich proposals for her. As she got older she started getting many rejections reasons being little old and not earning well. She could not get good job as she was not good in academics. She took 7 years to get bachelors degree. And she expects to get well qualified and well settled husband like her brother.
Is she younger or older? She is older to me but little younger than DH
Why does she hate you? She thinks that I am reason why brother is getting away from her. Before out marriage, DH did everything for her like a godfather.

I think your dh is already under a lot of stress because of her. He feels responsible to fix her life as a brother. N Has supported her as much as he can.

Where are your in laws? They stay in their native place its a small village.
What do they have to say about this? They might not be aware unless DH tell them and I am sure he won't. They do not take their daughters responsibility and put everything on my DH.
Click to expand...

Oh my god. Your dh is a poor thing. It's really sad that he has been cursed n yelled at by his family all his life. No wonder he is trying to hide from you n keeping quiet. Because he's been experiencing it all his life. Don't fight with him. Instead it will be more productive if you come up with a letter passing / point to point ideas to work out the differences. Imagine you are in a UN peace committee meeting n your goal is to sort out the issue with utmost peace.

Have a happy home, that's the best thing for you, your dh n ur son. Don't let them control your life.

There is some story, can't remember fully, a dog barked at the sun for being too hot, do you think it will affect the sun in any ways ? Imagine your family as the sun. But just keep a safe distance.

Your sil's life was first ruined by her parents n now herself. She needs a dose of reality to come to her senses. Why not send her for counselling to come out of her depression?

Worse case scenario, if he's still the same with his sis, (as it's hard to change a life long habit at one go) just say you do whatever you want but don't bring her close to us ever again and this is the financial limits or whatever applies to you.

You focus on a happy home!