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SIL problem causing depression

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by rinkikhanna22, Feb 20, 2012.

  1. tinku

    tinku Silver IL'ite

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    Dear,
    I am sorry to tell this, but you have to do. As Parvathi1980 suggested, you must start speaking lies, your DH also should co-operate in this.

    If she says she's coming for a weekend, your DH can say that you both are going out on a trip with his colleagues and their wives. Also say that during the trip, they have organised some events for husbands and wives and that if she comes along she will only feel lonely without her BF.

    Also ask her to go on a trip with her BF to some places so that you can be alone with your DH on weekends. Your DH can book tickets for them on weekends sometimes or ask them to do it and go for a cinema or anything they like. Dont make her disturb your privacy.

    If she says her BF is going to accompany, tell that its only colleagues as they strictly are leaving behind their other family members.
    Tell your SIL in a good manner that her BF might require some time to be spent in her company.
     
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  2. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    If you are at Uni, you might be able to find help at the uni itself. Search the uni website. Also, make sure you are eating well and getting plenty of exercise. You can consider taking some supplements as well. Depression can be due to chemical imbalance. I would strongly suggest to take up a sport that you like and participate in it regularly. It can be a great confidence booster and can help you to concentrate on your studies and sleeping well.
    If you don't like any of these suggestions, then go and see your GP. He might suggest you something.
     
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  3. cutemonster

    cutemonster Platinum IL'ite

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    hey op !
    i m surprised by ur post !!!!! how can a family be so weird and strange ?????????
    i mean its is so strange to know how ur sister in law behaved and on top of it how ur inlaws behaved ?:bowdown
    is ur sis in law mentally sound ? i mean how would a grown up girl be sharing some ones private space ?
    i think may be she did not want u to come close to ur husband and ya ur husband ,what a pathetic guy u married ? im so sorry for u !
    how so much caring n loving ur husband his but he should know as a husband his duties towards his wife and he should know that he need to stand by u . he is just a spineless fellow.
    anyone in ur situation would be so depressed by now .
    i would suggest u that while u r in usa try to make ur husband understand that there is a limit to which any outsider be it anyone can interfere in a husband,s and wife,s life .also make him understand that ur bedroom is ur own private space and u would not like anyone to share it.
    i will not say ignore the stupid behavior of ur sis in law , some times we should not ignore things n let them become big issues. u need to take strict steps n not show them that u r a mild person who can be dominated,u have to stand up for ur rights.
    first u need to make ur husband realize that he is married, calling u by his sister name , oh my god he is sick guy !!!!! next time he does that say that u r his wife not his sister n he should know the difference .
    and when ur so called loving n sweet inlaws say that they wanted to have a sweet daughter in law like their daughter be ultra sweet and say that u also wanted to have in laws like ur parents ! give them a dose of their own medicine , but dont say anything in harsh words , say everything bitter with a coating of sugar .and even about ur in laws asking u to let ur sis in law sleep with u n ur husband in ur room ask them tell them that u cant do that , simple n straight. tell ur sis in law that u r in next room and she does not need to be afraid ! tell her u r a a grown up girl so stop being kiddish.
    u can hope ur sis in law marries soon and gets inlaws who take of her nicely and make her life horrible !
    as for ur life , u make new friends while u r here in usa ,if u cant work become a member of some library or some other group something which u wanted to learn but could not get time , like swimming so that u can spend some time outside n meet new ppl . i dont know what r ur qualifications but u can may be study n try to improve ur education . dont show to ur husband that u r dying for his attention , show him that u have a life besides him also . most of the time we women make husbands our only priority n feel sad when they dont reciprocate but the moment we take steps to make our life worthy than just mrs. xyz we can be more at peace.
    try to make ur life a worthy one !
    my prayers r with u !
     
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  4. vini31

    vini31 Gold IL'ite

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    I empathize with u dear, basically all inlaws have one set of rules for their daughter n one set for the DIL, so dont be perturbed, it is best to divert your mind and focus on ur self, your studies n career,
    I am not trying to discourage you but post your SIL's marriage ... even if her inlaws ask her to make tea her parents as in your inlaws would react like her inlaws are abusing her n may taunt you and expect more sympathy n help from u ... also your inlaws would want their daughter to be settled first before you do ... so try n distance yourself a lil and focus on ur self ... in a situation like yours trust your self n love urself more than anything else ...
     
  5. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    Hm..I think your highly immature SIL is very emotionally attached to your h. I had a friend who wept bitterly on the day of her brothers engagement thinking she's going to lose him forever. It did happen too, in her case. Her brother with SIL stayed in the US, she in India. His calls to her reduced after wedding and she was not happy about it and often complained that her brother is totally henpecked now. Your SIL is quite neurotic and a much extreme version of my friend. In my own case, I recall my kid brother who's 8 years younger to me, who was then extremely extremely attached to me, being disappointed on the day of my wedding. He even tried to enter into our bedroom one day early morning because there was a phone call for me. He was in his 11th then, and although many guys his age would be quite mature by then, I guess his attachment to me couldn't make him think straight. I still remember my mom pulling him and stopping him at the door asking hm not o enter the room when am with my dh.

    If you looking peace in marriage, don't try to impose on your dh, rather just play along and call SIL, encourage him to call SIL, act like she's your own sis. Just try accepting her, even with all her childishness. Yor dh will gradually change - first, when he realizes you are not fighting out with her to win over him (I think guys have some insecurity like this at times), second, as your intimacy grows its natural for him to forget his SIL. (not fully but at least he'll stop calling you by her name).
     
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  6. rinkikhanna22

    rinkikhanna22 New IL'ite

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    Tinku & Parvathi1980, my husband will never co-operatein telling lies to his family, at least not in this life, and next life I don’twant to be with him at any cost.. they were not sharing the same room beforemarriage..

    Cutemonster, I have been fighting and trying to make him realize all thisfor last two years, now im tired of fighting and being depressed allthe time, he only thinks that I want to distant him from his family. And youare right, I don wanna give anymore importance to him in my life, and want todo something which makes me feel good..

    Vini31, I don’t get the feeling of loving myself, that’s whatI am trying to get back, I don’t want to suffer coz of others, I am looking for some strengthand reasons to live..

    Guys, one more thing, do you feel at all, that my husbandwill ever in his life realize that he did some injustice to me and that hisfamily, especially SIL has been manipulating, like they are always emotionallyblackmailing..
    thanks all!!
     
  7. kishoremommy

    kishoremommy Platinum IL'ite

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    Ask your husband these questions?

    1.Will you sleep in your sister's room with her hubby after she gets married?

    2.What are your expectations about your future brother in law---like how caring he should be?

    You just casually point out that your SIL's future husband will get irritated when disturbed often by your hubby.This will affect the peace of his sister's married life.

    So,ask him to maintain a reasonable distance from his sister just for his sister's sake.
     
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  8. vini31

    vini31 Gold IL'ite

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    dear I am telling you out of my experience, you need to love your self, just think how much you are going thru becoz of smone else, sorry to be blunt but hv your inlaws been with you as your parents have done,do you think your inlaws love u as much as your parents dont u think all these reasons are enuf for you to love ur self, think of your blessings and love yourself n live for yourself, i doubt your husband or inlaws every going to realize abt the injustice done to you ... this again is only my interpreting from your posts ... i can be wrong as i do not know u personally ... your career n studies n most of all you as a person/individual are the strongest reasons to live n love yourself
     
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  9. rajsriya

    rajsriya Senior IL'ite

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    hi dear

    Sorry to read whatever is happening at ur end.This is definitely not normal thats happening.I mean SIL sharing ur room is just not normal in any sense.To call up daily and talk with ur husband and showing over attachment.The husband calling out his wife by his "sisters' name .Something is definitely not right here. Dont think something is wrong with u being jealous or possesive. I mean what u feel nd think is completely right. But dear dont get depressed.What u think or feel is very natural. People around us will always make us feel that we are wrong which may not always be true.
    Wrongs done by many dont make it right.

    U shud ask ur husband certain questions.Whether he will share his sister bedroom along with her wud be husband when they visit their place ? If there is so much attachment for his sister and love he should have dedicated his life completely for her by not getting married himself. He should have been sacrificial saint himself. Now when his sister is getting married there is a possibility that her priorities will definitely change post marriage will he still continue such intense emotional attachment with her. Will she justify the same behaviour with her future husband. And if you gave importance to any of your relatives parents etc. showing over the top care and affection will he be able to adjust then.

    Is he okay that his sister will marry and settle with someone else and she wont be so close to him post marriage? I mean lot can be asked to him. Just try to know whats up in his mind in case if u can.

    Just take care of urself if possible confide to a person who can really help u with this situation. Dont hurry up for anything unless u r very certain what the future holds for u with this man and his family.

    Take care and god bless u.
     
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  10. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    Rinki dear,

    I have a SIL who is much younger than my husband and me. He has lent a big hand taking care of her as a baby when he was teenager. Their bond is kind of weird. They fight as if they want to kill each other at one time and the next hour they are physically all over each other rolling and cuddling. My parents in law never bothered about this. It seemed to get better at one time and got worse at another. I had to put up with her childish behaviour and demands just so that I could be close enough to her to make her understand things that otherwise would have been impossible. I had to play the mother to keep them both under the same roof and live in peace. I also had to put up with them sitting in our bedroom - not just her, her dad, her and her brother all hugging and cuddling till 2 and 3 in the morning watching TV or arguing who loves the other more. He was 30 at that time!!

    A lot of these problems came down once she came to college and met a guy and fell in love. She broke up too. Its then that she started understanding a lot of things that happen between a couple. In our case I could have never blamed her for what she was. She was really a child. When we were newly wed, she was studying in 7th class. Can you imagine?? I would definitely blame her parents for all this. They should know better and if they can't teach their daughter what is right and wrong, no one will.

    The reason for this happening in your place is also cos your In-laws are being juvenile and encouraging her. If she is attached to her brother, its their duty to tell her that the brother needs his space now and she too, as a grown up and who's going to get married soon should learn better. Them asking her to sleep with you guys in the same room while that was NOT happening when they lived with their parents clearly says a lot about the parents. Like you said, they are emotionally manipulating their own children. I don't see any other reason why.

    I would not say you should manipulate things around him to make him understand these things. I point blank spoke to his parents and him about all this. I told them they should start treating their daughter like the WOMAN she is growing up to be. I mentioned these things every now and then and made them realise I am not shoving her out of her brother's life, but I am establishing that only when you treat a person as an adult they'll learn to be one. It took years to get them to see things that way, but it worked. She and I too still have a good relationship. We stopped calling very often and we keep in touch via email. I faded it out slowly to make her realise we both need the right to our personal space to let the other live peacefully.

    Like Parvathi said, talk to your husband saying that she will be married soon and talking to her brother and sleeping in the same room as you guys is only one of the issues that could display her immaturity. If she can't cope with this now, when will she grow up and be a wife? Tell him this is for her own good and not that you want them to stay away from each other. HE has to realise this himself instead of running back to her every time she gets upset. Life is such, people grow up and move on with their lives. We have to learn to deal with all this.

    Like Bukbuk said, its also necessary that you accept her the way she is. Is not easy, but learn to ignore her pettiness. Both of you accepting each other is necessary to keep the family running smoothly. If tomorrow she has a problem with her boyfriend, from what I read so far, I am pretty sure she will come running back to her parents and her brother. But to keep her from INVADING into your relationship like a child and instead seeking support and advise as an adult, she needs to be treated like one. Start now. And if you can, talk to your in-laws about it.

    As for you, keep yourself busy and concentrate on your studies. What can't be changed must be endured. And you are the only one who can make it easy on yourself. Come back here as many times as you need to. There will always be people to listen. They are a lovely bunch here and am sure you'll start feeling better once you vent all this built up tension. But develop a lot of patience girl. I know it is difficult, and you've been very good this far. But any wrong step now will only ruin what you have managed well all this time.
     
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