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SIL problem causing depression

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by rinkikhanna22, Feb 20, 2012.

  1. rinkikhanna22

    rinkikhanna22 New IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    This is my first post on IndusLadies.... I have gone through lot of posts here and I really appreciate the kind of support you guys give in much needed times.. Right now, I am also going through a complex situation in my life.. and really need your councelling..

    I am married for more than 2 years.. my husband is very caring, my ILs are also loving at times, but there are still lots of issues.. and the main issue is my SIL, she is younger to my huband, but of similar age to me..

    As we got married, we were not living in my DH's hometown but in a nearby city, my SIL soon moved with us coz of her job in the same city.. inspite of ours being a 3 bedroom appartment, she was sharing room with us.. each day nd night.. it was big thing for me, I talked to my DH about this, but he just humiliated me and asked me to leave house if I had issues.. I din want to spoil our marriage for my parents sake, so I continued to live there.. We used to visit my ILs every weekend, and they knew about it, they infact asked me to take care of their daughter and told me that I should never leave her alone, not even let her sleep in different room.. they really kind of emoyionally blackmailed me.. time passed, and this created a difference b/w me and my DH, and also b/w me and my SIL..my DH would always get up early morning and prepare breakfast for her (i would prepre on my own). I was suppose to take of her like a princess. Honestly, I could not do that. After few months, she moved to a different city. Just after she moved, my DH apologised to me and said that he understand whatever happened was not right but I should not keep anything against his sister in my heart. Even my FIL called and told me that they are proud of me and that next time onwards he will ask my SIL to stay in a different room. I moved on..

    But I my marriage has always been conditional.. We should regularly call her.. and my FIL would aways tell me, we wanted a DIL like their daughter and I should try and become like her... this really was very hurtful. She on the other hand, was very sweet in talking to me, very respectful, so I din have much complaints against her at that time. But with time I realized that she so much manipulating. If we din call her for a day, my FIL would call us and tell that she is missing us and crying for us.. my DH is very sensitive for his sister.. After few months, my SIL again started visiting our place on weekends ( those weekend we would not go to my ILs place).. and I was shocked this time when she again lived in our room.. even if she goes to another room for some time, my DH will go and call her back.. what a double standard family I am into, I thought!

    I dont know guys if I am overreacting but trust me, it was very painful for me.. my DH is so caring for her, that even when he shows any care for me, i dont trust him for his genuinity..

    Few months back we moved to US, she cried so much when we were coming here.. things are still the same.. though this period has brought me and my DH to come closer, care for each other all the time, and I now feel genuinity in his feelings for me.. but most of the times he is thinking about my SIL only, even when he is with me, he would call me by her name.. this makes me think that she is in his mind all the time.. also we call her frequently and she is always missing us and crying for us..

    Before coming to US, me and my DH went to a 3-day trip for the first time after honeymoon.. and we couldn't call her for a day, so she called us and was angry that we have forgotten her.. my DH would give her all the explanations..

    I am now very open my husband about my feelings and have tried to share things, but he will always tell me that I am jealous and I should me more like his sister (loving and caring)

    Guys, i really need your help here.. I don't know if I am wrong in behaving like this.. I dont want to bother about all this stuff, rather focus more on my career, my parents, friends, but its getting really suffocating day by day.. I cant talk to her for a minute.. but I have to :(

    I don want to spoil our marriage either, my parents will not be able to take that.. Please help me!
     
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  2. rinkikhanna22

    rinkikhanna22 New IL'ite

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    Jus to add -- She has a boyfriend for many years and is soon going to get married to him!! But don thinks that would change it much.. he knows that she so close to her brother..
     
  3. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    Must say, these people should know better!!! I am sorry for what you are going through.
    I understand the brother and sister are very close, but sleeping in the same room and you too having to call everyday for 2 years just seems a little overboard. Its quite natural that you'd feel suffocated by all this.
    No one can be or needs to be like another. And how ever proud they are of their daughter, they can't expect you to be like her. You are two very different people and forcing one to be like the other will only have the opposite effect.

    How soon is she getting married? If that is not too long from now, I'd say just wait for it. Maybe living a life as a wife with her husband would make her think different. Realise the need for privacy and time away from her brother too.

    Her brother, your husband too needs to know better. Try talking to him again and mention that she is going to be married and should learn to be independent. Her boyfriend may think this is all okay since they don't live together. You never know how he'd react when they are married.

    Concentrating on work would be helpful. Try it and ignore her childlike behaviour.

    PS: Next time he calls you by her name, remind him you are his WIFE. And remind him of your name and walk away. Sometimes lesser you speak, the better the message gets conveyed.
     
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  4. rissy

    rissy Silver IL'ite

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    Oh my god, I can't believe it. What a weird family! I am sorry to say that, but seriously, for once I doubt if this story is for real, but why would anyone come here and tell wrong stories, who even imagine such stories??? Yes, jealousy/troubles/harassment of mil-sils is common, but this is highly ridiculous and weird. How come a grown up girl not give a married couple privacy? And you are saying your in-laws are loving, if they are really loving, then how come they allowed their daughter to do all this. Are you sure, if your in-laws weren't behind it. I mean could be possible your in-laws were insecure of your and your hubby's closeness and might have instructed their daughter to behave that way in order to keep you and your hubby apart. I am not telling this to create doubt in your mind against your in-laws, but asking you to figure it out.

    Why you tolerated her sleeping in same bedroom? Was she a kid? Didn't she had any sense? Is she doesn't, where the sense gone of your dh and inlaws? Girl, I must say, you taken a lot. Have you tried to tell her, how you feel and that since you are married you need time with your dh and she needs to sleep in other room? Sorry to say but your dh is such a jerk to let this happen. And both your husband and inlaws told sorry after this, that means they too understand its wrong, but still let it happen as they did not respect your opinions but want your sil to have her way, very pathetic. It seems that your sil is highly needy and stubborn and maybe your inlaws and dh are scared to upset her so let her have her way. But in a process they are doing so much injustice to you.

    Now, its a good thing that she is far away and also getting married, and no matter how much she is close to her brother, she will surely experience time constraint and would leave you guys alone, atleast for now, we can hope so.

    I know how you feel and how painful and difficult to bear all this nonsense, but if you want to make marriage work, then you have to handle it very tactfully and with patience. First of all, don't plan to have a child until this issue gets little sorted out and your sil is married and settles down. Even she gets married, its going to be difficult for you, as she will not leave your husband easily, but u need to handle the situation tactfully, first and foremost, dont be discouraged. Some men are so dumb, and they need validation. I understand your feelings when you feel your DH is closer to his sister. But think, what you can really do to drag him close towards you. Use some tacts and manipulation if needed, I know its difficult but try. Brush aside any other negative emotions that you might have developed against him. U should also pretend (in front of your husband) to be equally caring and loving to her but in your mind be very strong and focused. It is very very difficult but u have to give tit for tat. Stop cribbing and fighting with your husband, incase if you do so. Guys dont like cry babies and don't understand such pretentious behaviors and arguing does not help. Try spending as much good time with your husband in order to make him forget about his family. And remember one thing, what ever we do,we can't ever satisfy some people, so don't try to please or satisfy ur SIL, just ignore her, if anytime you have to be around her, don't give much attention to her. But only act loving in front of your husband, ideally one shouldn't do that, but it is the better to give tit for tat to some people. If you are expected to call her, then only talk to her nicely in front of your husband, but behave everything is under control. make calls to her only when ur DH is around you. How often you need to call your SIL, remember, don't call her everyday, your dh can take initiative if he wants to call her everyday, but you don't do it, only call her once in a while. If she complaints to you, give good excuses in a sweet tone. if she complains anything to ur DH, then let ur DH handle those, don't interfere. And what is your dh's pattern of calling her, for eg: If he calls her every evening, can you do something to make him forget to call his sister, like keeping him busy in something, or diverting his mind in other talks or seducing him, This is going to need a lot of work, and hence a lot of patience. But if you are willing, you can do it, trust me. don't get discouraged sweety. Make a healthy bedroom life, plan surprises. Do something that you like throughout the day, cook some nice dishes for your DH and surprise him with a sexy dress and seduce him for a wonderful night. Just take one step at a time, deal with one day at a time, and you will find things falling in place for you. Show him who is his real family now. Pamper him, love him so much that he should feel like running home once he is done with his work. But also dont overdo it so it do not create any doubt in his mind. Just be genuinely concerned, talk a few questions, discuss a few topics that you read in the news that day. And for eg: if he call his family every sunday morning, then do something to make him wake up late on sunday.

    NOT let her behaviour affect you! i know it is easier said than done but just pretend, until you learn to get the hang of it of being absolutely carefree around her. Make sure, though you open up to your husband, don't talk to him in a blaming way about this with your husband, because from what i gather he is blissfully oblivious about his sister's childishness and jealousy. I will not say that there is something sexual about the way she is so close to her brother. I think it could also be a manifestation of her jealousy. she probably trying to see what effect this has on you!

    Look a good time, talk to your husband in a calm and subtle way about how you feel. As long as you try not to blame him or his family but explain him. Tell your husband that you know he's such a good man and it's honorable that he wants to take care of her and treating her like a daughter, and butter him that since he is good brother, he will make good father too. But even if she is his own daughter, still after some age brother-sister and father-daughter need to have some boundaries. Tell him that you don't have problem in taking care of her, but you have to stop treating her like child as now she is getting married and she needs to grow up, if you keep treating her like child then she will always feel like brother's spoiled princess and may not learn to become independent, it will badly affect her relation with her husband. Try to point out with examples, tell him that how you feel if you are too close to your brother and ignore him for you, that if my brother comes to stay with us and I only think about him or be extra close to him, how he feels, tell him family are important, but in any way, it should not affect relation between spouse. Tell him that suppose even if our own daughter is there, don't we want her to be mature after particular age so that she can handle her life in mature way. Tell him, I have nothing against her but sometimes I felt she is little childlike for crying like this and she is now going to be married, and if we allow her childlike behavior then she will not learn to be mature and independent and do you really wish that her married life gets affected. Though now her bf is okay with this, but after marriage when responsibility comes, it will create problems in his life. No husband likes wife calling too much close to her brother or behave like childish or want to call her family often, give him example how you feel if I behave like your sister with my brother, if he says I don't mind, tell him calmly that think about it in your mind.
     
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  5. tinku

    tinku Silver IL'ite

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    Dear,
    I am really sorry for what you are going through. Its really hard to face a wierd situation which you are in.

    I doubt whether your SIL is really a grown up? You say that she's going to get married and how come at this age she sleeps with you and your DH ? Senseless. I m sorry for such a word, but that's how I can call her.

    I think she might be busy going honeymoons and here and there with her hubby after marriage and the frequency of such a disturbance would be less I guess. But who knows, may be she must even have a kid to take care of so that she cannot torture you guys to call all the time and be taking care of her always.

    In the meantime, to solve your problem too, you must have a kid as soon as possible. I think your Dh might get a little diversion and you guys would be busy with the kid and not have much time for her. And as time goes when she has one, she will understand.

    Its better you make your DH understand how she will feel if she is treated the same way at her in-laws.

    I couldnt beleive how your FIL asks you three to sleep in one room. Doesnt he know that you and your DH require a private life? My god ! Real wierd family.
    I dont how you are able to put up with these people?
     
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  6. rissy

    rissy Silver IL'ite

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    As for your in-laws, do not call them often too. If your dh wants to talk to them everyday, he can take initiative, if they expect you to call them often, you do it infront of your dh and keep the phone on speaker if possible. Try to make a situation as if you don't get time to call them often. Don't let their lecture or behavior bother you. You moved to US, do you have a plan to stay here permanently or for more years, whatever time you have here, drag him close towards you as much possible. After your sil is married, you try to have your child so your dh mind gets diverted while your sil too gets busy with her life hopefullly. Hope things get better with you with time dear....

    And as tanoshi said, if he calls you by her name, remind him you are his WIFE...., and just make a joke, but in a way, that it embarrasses him, like tell him what man you are doing, making your wife sister, then shall we stop sleeping together.... You have to act in a way with your inlaws and sil that neither their behavior affect you and everything is under your control and nor you react to their tantrums. Let them do whatever they do, but you take charge of your husband and home and don't let them get to you. All the best!!!
     
  7. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    No, you are not wrong. Your ILs are clearly a bunch of weirdos. When your DH calls you by your SIL's name, be firm and tell him not to do that. He is very immature if he thinks you are being jealous of his sister.

    If it is too painful for you to carry on and you feel you are only doing it for your parents' sake, I think you should confide in them. They should be aware of what you are going through.

    If you can be a little cunning, try to be friends with your sil's BF. Start treating him like your own brother and giving him more importance. When your DH talks about his sister, steer the topic to her BF and his family. Let's see how he reacts to it.:thumbsup
     
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  8. rinkikhanna22

    rinkikhanna22 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for all your suggestions and good wishes.. At least I will not die of the feeling of guilt anymore, as my ILs always tell me that they wanted a more caring, loving girl like my SIL.. (though I knew I was not wrong but wanted somebody to reaffirm that)

    Rissy, you are right in saying that I should try manipulating and divert his mind from calling her, I have tried doing that, but that comesback to me. My FIL would call us and say that she is feeling so low, and tells my DH that no matter what, he should first take care of his sister before getting busy with other stuff, and then my DH feels guilty and call her more often to cheer her up! She also tells him that she can’t live without talking to him.. She is always complaining that I do not treat her that nicely, yes coz I can’t take her emotional drama all the time. So, I just talk to her for 5 minutes, just the routine business, I can’t pamper her.

    Tanoshii thanks. I’ll remind him of my name next time.

    Tinku, we can not plan a kid right now, for one more year..me and my DH are not working, he is studying here in US, we then plan to go back to India after 1-2 years..

    Monita, I met her BF only once, and he was very rude to me that time.. may be my SIL told him some stories about me.. Also, I share everything with my mother, and she suggests ignoring these things and that I am blessed to be in US now for some time atleast, so I should rather focus on my career, while my husband is also studying..

    Guys the main thing now is, I know I am living with a bunch of insensitive people. But I can’t change them, but I really want to change myself. I really feel helpless, worthless, and my confidence is shattered, especially because I am never appreciated for anything and compared to my SIL. My FIL never liked when I was working back in India, coz he said that I am too busy with my work all the time.. though it was a rounite 9-5 job (my SIL is working too, devoting more time to work)..

    Please suggest me how can I regain my confidence. I don’t have a job here, I also feel insecure thinking about my future.. coz honestly , I don’t trust my husband much and don’t want to depend on him.. I am appearing for an exam in June, but coz of all this crap in my mind, I cant focus on my studies.. I really need to be independent, but I am so depressed with life all the time that I cant concentrate, my husband supports my studies and career though.. Doyou think some kind of professional counseling will help here? Thanks a ton all of you.
     
  9. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    I can't believe that such family could exist.Bunch of weirdos.

    I do not understand how your hubby could call you by her name.simply weird.You are his WIFE and she his SISTER.The guy cannot differentiate between wife and sister?And I do not know who in right sense would allow his sister to share the same room after marriage and would ask wife to leave if she does not find comfortable.

    It is your hubby who has to change first.He needs to understand or stop acting as if he is still a baby.I think as others suggested you need to give him the taste of his own medicine.

    Huh..She has a boy friend to entertain, has a busy job as well and still she manages to do all these?She is no good.She has the capability of keeping everyone around her under control.It is better to stay away from such people.
     
  10. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear op, just find out one thing from ur hubby...did he nd his sister share the same room b4 u entered the family? If the answer is no then obviously your I laws are trying to make sure that their son does not come close to dil...if the answer is yes then they are immature people who don't understand that even brothers and sisters shud maintain a distance after a certain age.

    I will tell you my experience...my sil is several yrs younger to husband and me...now just after marriage she would come along with us everywhere...even going for a walk was impossible without her...I tried telling my dh that I need to spend some time alone with you but he never understood...then I asked him whether he used to take baby sister along with to the clubs he used to go to b4 marriage...wen the answer was no he started getting the point.. after this there were times we lied to mil and sil about our movie dates to avoid sils company...hope this helps:)
     

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