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SIL Mis carried

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Hiddly, Jan 11, 2012.

  1. Hiddly

    Hiddly Junior IL'ite

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    HI Ladies

    I have a confusion in mind and wondering what to do.

    My SIL (DH brother's wife) gave us new of her miscarraige at 10 weeks. We were all very excited for the good news and now feel really awful for whats happened.

    The issue is I have my daugters birthday we are celebrating on Saturday and have all preps done. invites have gone out for over 80 people.

    In our family we dont announce pregancies until past 12 weeks and therefore no one knows about this at all.

    There was a discussion about this in the family after the news and I was of the opinion we should cancel the event for Saturdau by just announcing "unforeseen circumstances event has been cancelled" however my FIL says we should carry on as its kids birthday but my MIL says carry on but no music (with her opinion i would disregard all as she has a her own hobby art display the same day for guest to view so she would not want to miss that for the world)

    My say is we either cancel as non of us feel upto it with the same charm we had before the news or carry on as normal but in our hearts we know how it feels. My SIL and BIL dont want this news to be annouced which ofcourse is understandable.

    What would you do. Cancel or carry on?
     
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  2. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear about your Sister in law. Talk to the couple. Tell them that you want to postpone it because you are really care for them. I always read bad things about the sister in laws, but you seems to care for her. If they don't want you to cancel it, carry on. Do it as you planned. When you discuss with them, please make sure that your DH is with you.
    You are very sweet. All the best. Happy Birthday to your Little Princess.
     
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  3. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Have a discussion with your sil. She will be the one is the most affected. Check out how she feels about celebrating your DD's b'day. Tell her you will not feel bad if the event is cancelled. Go by how she feels. You will have to be really sensitive to her feelings.
     
  4. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear about the MC. I can understand you are sandwiched between the sadness and confusion over kiddo's birthday. Its really difficult situation. Your kid may not understand why all of a sudden after so much planning and hype noone is in the mood to continue with the celebrations. Again if you cancel, what would you explain to the guests who ask questions?
    In my opinion, you should talk to your SIL casually depending on your relationship with her but be cautious not to let her feel that you are only worried about the birthday. This could very well lift her spirits as there would be many relatives and friends coming over and the ambience would be pleasant. And no one would ask her about it as nobody knows. So the party might actually cheer her up. Tell her you are actually thinking of cancelling but would also like her opinion and wouldn't wanna do it if she feels slightest uneasiness about it.
    Wish your daughter for me!
    Vaidehi
     
  5. Subhaganesh

    Subhaganesh Gold IL'ite

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    sorry for ur SIL...i can understand the situation because i miscarried recently by 9 weeks...
    i would say don't cancel the party because it will be the option for her to come out the sadness and also ur kid will get disappointed .. apart from that u have invited everyone so u need to answer them even though if u give generalized reason they will try to poke and find out it what happened..so better discuss with ur SIL i am sure she will join in the party
     
  6. Hiddly

    Hiddly Junior IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies

    Thanks for your replies. I spoke to SIL yesterday. I should have mentioned in my post that she is in UK. We both are getting closer as we have faced similar issues with regards to adjusting with DH and family.

    I called her yesterday and she sounded much better, she mentally accepts it. However its hormonal too and she will have odd days to make her cry and then smile some other days. She has her side of the family over in UK so they are a good support at this time.

    She asked me how preparations were going for Sat and I explained that we are planning to cancel. On this she was upset saying please dont cancel as that would be awful. and she and my BIL are of the idea we should carry on as planned. They both have big hearts to say this.

    Her words were " we should celebrate for the ones around and not make them sad over the ones that are gone" She surely feels alot and at the same time says she is looking forward to the pictures later and nothing should be skipped of the party.

    I have been through this situation myself and 3 times. twice at 10weeks and 1 boy i lost at 28weeks (nearly term) so understand the dept of her pain. But by her being the big heart person makes this party a little easier to do.

    I sometimes wonder, my FIL MIL are both so different and negative about everything and not only me but BIL SIL DH all think the same. Then what created such different DH and BIL. They both are gems!
     
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  7. Applepie01

    Applepie01 New IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear abt the MC.Having miscarried twice back to back , it really pains to hear if someone else goes through it.But you really are a wonderful human being to think about them at this point of time.Its tough to find ppl like you in this world....Advanced wishes for your DD
     
  8. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

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    Hiddly,

    I wish your sister in law all the best. I am sure she is going to be mom soon. What a wonderful family you have. Don't worry about your in laws. They are older and from different generation. But give them credit to have brought up wonderful sons.
    Have a wonderful celebrations and give my special love and wishes to your daughter and sister in law.
     
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