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SIL doing back stabbing and trying to create unnecessary issues

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Cool10, Apr 6, 2015.

  1. Cool10

    Cool10 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    Till recently I thought I shared good relationship with SIL. But an incident happened.

    There was lunar grahan recently and in laws came up with a lot of restrictions for it. They called my DH and told him to get me to follow: Don't eat or drink anything for over 4 hours. Afterwards Wash all house and utensils. Throw away all food from fridge and cook everything again. Don't do any work during this time. Close all doors and windows and just sleep. Don't take any medicines.

    Am pregnant and in very delicate situation due to previous miscarriage and surgery. It will be very harmful for me to stay without even water. Also I come from different background and don't believe in this superstition.

    So when DH told me, I told him that I follow all their religious rituals (pooja), festivals and food cooking style etc. But please communicate to them that I will not follow this as I don't believe in this at all and propagate this. I would have told them this directly if they would have spoken to me directly. But since they called him only, I also told him.

    Now SIL calls with same thing and sends me same message to strictly follow. I being fool and not experienced enough in their family politics - I thought DH must have already communicated. So I sent her a very polite message saying. "Hi Didi. Please don't mind. I don't believe in this."

    I don't want to lie to anyone and say I am following when I don't. Also in future if they come to stay with us, they will see me not following and would have got offended for hiding that am not doing.

    Today I came to know SIL created a huge issue out of this. She messaged my DH and told him to see my message (as if living in same house he doesn't know that I don't follow). She called my in laws also and created full misunderstanding about my not following and hiding. When in fact I told DH clearly to communicate that I will not follow.

    Today she lost all respect from me. Instead of doing all this back biting if she would have called me and got a clarification from me, then I would have bonded to her more. But she resorted to cheap tricks and trying to create problems in the family.

    Just a rant - sorry for the long post.
     
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  2. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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    Sounds like she's just trying to assert herself where it's not necessary to feel relevant and important. Just remind your PILs about what you've already discussed with them and your DH, and that you will exercise your right to practice what you believe in — which is a very personal and private matter altogether and not subject to their rules.

    Next time you speak to your SIL, I hope your DH and you let her know that you're not sure where she got the impression that your DH and you are keeping things from each other, but that there are no secrets b/w you both and that you had already informed your PILs about your boundaries.

    Gosh, I fail to understand why people that proclaim to be so devoted and faithful are the ones that seem to feel like they need to impose their practices upon others. Why do they lack faith that their god will deal with things directly and is not powerless enough to depend on others to be "religious police"? :roll:
     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Your Sil is being a nosy person and causing unnecessary problems. You don't stress over it. If she continues....tell her not to cause you unnecessary stress in your delicate situation and tell her you and your husband discuss everything so there is no need to stress him out either.
     
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  4. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    congrats on ur pregnancy sis. Try to forget such things. This happens for all dils.mil, sils cannot be like our siblings. Pls cocentrate on ur health. Wish u a safe pregnancy
     
  5. indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

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    @OP..
    Looks like your SIL has too much time to kill.. you just follow doctor's instructions and enjoy your pregnancy.. no need to follow "To do list" of others..
     
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  6. Sivasakthigopi

    Sivasakthigopi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi

    In hindu Mythology and Some Science, Lunar Grahan makes some changes in our Womb. Hope you already heard that most woman who get pregnancy in Full Moon Days will probably get Girl Child. In New Moon Day probably boy child. Some science research also mention the same. We are not 100% succeed but 90 out of 100 is succeed.

    Based on that, Pregnant women asked to avoid foods, water, medicines, etc etc in that lunar time. After completing that, we need to take bath and eat.

    You may think this is just a joke or a myth. But you see many children in some health problems in their birth. We have many myths, but our ancient people are not fool. They found all things before 3000 years, but the same is in under research of our many scientists.

    I too follow the same. I dont eat full day, even drops of water. At that time we lived in a Apartment. There many we are near 4 people pregnant at the same time with months gap.

    Among us we all follow the same.

    As a mom for our baby we can able to sacrifice many things. Among with me, My whole family follows the same to take part with me.

    If you didn't follow this time dont worry. But try to follow in future coming Sep there is one more Lunar grahan.

    You SIL tells this for your well. Your MIL asked the same for you and your child health.

    Dont made issue on this, If you dont wish to follow them, just said ok. This will resolve many problems. And leave it. If you need you just follow it.
     
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  7. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    While I agree that your SIL's behavior/reaction is not right, it is also possible that she cares so much about the eclipse's effect on your pregnancy, that she has gone overboard !

    Just giving another angle !

    Though science has not proved any effects of eclipses on pregnant women, there IS a lot of study going on, and well, science hasnt proved many many things that are inexplicable!

    It is HER belief that there will be unpleasant effects!

    In my case, it was my own MOM + mom's elder sister - so when I said no, wont do, etc - they both were able to override me - and I did follow all those rules just to keep their peace !

    Moreover, you said so yourself - that you have a history of a previous miscarriage etc - so she might have been really really worried - because eclipses are "supposed" to cause them !

    Can you give her the benefit of doubt considering that till now you had a good relationship with her ??
    That she was really concerned about you and your baby and was disappointed that you didnt listen to her ?? (Because she also thought she shares a good relationship with you)
    If your mom had told you, would you have followed the rules?
    If your DH had insisted, would you have followed the rules ?

    4 hours without water is not so difficult - you could have had lots of water earlier and waited/slept - we sleep for 8 hours, most days we dont drink water for those 8 hours !!


    Ok - science and vedic gyaan follows - dont read if not interested -

    Do you know that we call anything related to moon as LUNAR?
    And do you know that astrologers say MOON's position in the chart determines the strength of mind?
    Do you know that crazy people who have lost mental balance are called LUNATIC?
    Do you know that the seas and oceans have more tidal waves when there is a full MOON?
    Wonder why and how all these things are related ?

    We say "Aapo va idam sarvam" while closing the water kalasha with our palms and call all the rivers into the kalasha and purify the pooja area and ourselves - why?

    Water is such a panchabhoota - it is pure, it can purify and it can imbibe the characteristic of light and other waves!

    Do you know the wave and particle nature of light ? Do you know that electrons in each atom in our body cells have negative charge and protons have positive charge?

    Do you know that light and other waves can polarize every cell of your body ?


    Well 2/3rds of earth is covered with water and 2/3rds of OUR BODY is water and 70% of our BRAIN is water !

    Imagine if the moon, just by become "FULL" can make the entire ocean's water DANCE, can you imagine what the moon's gravitational force does to OUR own tiny sized body and brain ?
    Thats why full moon makes people go "lunatic" and new moon makes people get "depressed"
    Thats why many Indians dont eat dinner on new moon days! Because food & water in the stomach are the ones that get affected first, and then we absorb the affected food and water as our internal energy!

    As you know, eclipses are shadows and they cause many harmful rays (that usually get destroyed by the sun) to reach us !!

    Now how much can be avoided by fasting/closing doors and windows, I dont know !!!

    But logically thinking - if you can follow the not so difficult rules for a few hours, there's no harm - its for your baby's sake !! And all our babies are precious :)

    (Disclaimer: If anyone thinks I'm preaching superstition, well no! Just trying to find a balance between scientific logic and family peace :))
     
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  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Since you don't live with in-laws, this should be very simple.
    Thank them for the advice, and then do what you have planned. Why argue back and forth? They may have sincere reasons for giving you advice, or they may be trying to act high-handed but don't let this disturb you
     
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  9. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    op this.Do this.Dont argue back in such a delicate matter.People are sentimental about their grandkids,nice nephews.Also you will be blamed for for any problem child develops in future.
    So yes say and do nothing.Take husband on your side in this game.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You will learn over time the skill to avoid direct answers, especially in email or chat.

    The tactful way to deal will be to ask more about it, show an interest in the custom, demonstrate an intention to research it further yourself, give an indication that you might not actually follow it, keep avoiding a direct yes/no answer when they ask. Keep them guessing.

    This will be against your nature, but you will learn to do it anyway.

    Ideally, your DH should have nipped the matter in the bud. Told his sister - 'no way my pregnant wife carrying our baby is going to not eat for hours'

    I don't really buy the 'SIL could be genuinely concerned' argument - yes, she might be, but if this time she understands you guys don't follow such customs, she will not continue to send such suggestions over time, for baby's naming ceremony, mundan, birthdays and more over the years. Nip it in the bud.

    Her concern is touching, but she should reserve it for her own kids, and for those who believe in it.

    I suggest avoiding direct answer in such situations, but still making sure she knows something she suggested was not followed. Politely. And giving minimal or no reasons.
     
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