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Shrill!

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by rgsrinivasan, Sep 7, 2018.

  1. rgsrinivasan

    rgsrinivasan IL Hall of Fame

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    Comparing my mind to a pendulum, is a huge compliment that I could think of. As you can understand, my mind races from one thought to another which is diametrically opposite and then a third and even a "n"th derivative of it, before I force it back to square one. So, I kind of determine what I am about to pray for, specifically before closing my eyes for a prayer [mind works in fast forward mode then], before talking to someone [be it anyone], or before writing anything [even this]. Thoughts and ideas seem to jump from some unknown reserve inside and all of these compete hard to be my choice.

    I did follow a simple technique for communicating with others, and that worked well. It was just to say to myself first, before saying it to others. Soon it became a habit and I was doing that just like a muscle memory. I talk faster yet take a longer time to complete [as I will be saying more than one derivative at times], so people take note on what I say, rather than identifying that I am repeating it. One of my cousin observed it and asked me why I was doing it. I was a bit shocked at first, but explained the reason behind it. He left it at that, but I was more conscious about streamlining myself, at least in oral communication. I did join a meditation class, out of desire to control my beast a bit. The class was good and I had a company of 15 others in various age groups. Each of us were given a "mantra" specific to ourselves and were asked to recite it silently. I understood where it was going and the concept behind it - to force your mind on one thing so it is exhausted at some point and you start experiencing it first hand. But then numerous doubts were coming to me. Did I hear the mantra right? Am I saying it correctly? Is it really special to me? It went on and on and ended with, "Do you really think this will work?". Braving myself, I thought it was worth a try.

    After knowing the do's and don'ts and about choosing a preferable time and place, I started practising it at home. Like an enthusiastic beginner, I tried hard. Seriously! Now my mind was at it matching each step, and I soon believed that I found that magical rhythm. Then came a point where I started dreaming that my aura was expanding, my eyes and focus getting sharper and my words had more significance than before. I was hoping that all till a point. Then came the 'Excuse me' days where, either because of some work at that time, or sheer laziness [actual reason], I skipped my sessions. Soon it was all forgotten and my mind was happily working overtime. One fine day, I decided to start it again. As I closed my eyes, chanting the mantra, nothing came up. Terrified like a lost kid in an event, my mind wandered here and yonder and came back blank. "It must be the time / the coffee I had / the sun", the excuses varied, but
    what little I experienced earlier, was everywhere else. Pitying and thrashing myself again, I gave up on getting that rhythm and thought, "No matter what! I will try closing my eyes and practising at the same time everyday!". On Day 2, my friend and neighbor saw me in the terrace where I was and asked me, how I could sleep just like that! Not losing heart and not happily preaching about meditation and all, I smiled and talked about current affairs. Another cycle was broken!

    Not one to lose heart so easily at times, I continued that. Though I couldn't get the rhythm that I once got, I was settling in and could feel refreshed. At times I slept yes, but I still felt that the routine was good. I don't know the exact moment but it did happen on a beautiful dawn. But the way it happened was not so pleasant. On that given day, as I closed my eyes and tried to focus a bit, I felt something different. Like cotton being thrown in water, I felt gradually heavier. Even my fingers and eyelids were so heavy then that I was afraid. "Is this the beginning of my end?", a thought of panic rushed in, but try however hard, I couldn't open my eyes. Nor could I even move even my fingertips, but was acutely aware of everything happening around me. The sound of birds, that of a wet cloth being squeezed and water falling down and of course the racing pulse inside, were felt like I was next to a speaker. Again, I could not open my eyes. What happened next was even better - I felt like being sucked in to a chasm of a monotone, and all my resistance failed. It was like a screen that had so far been, showing the world was torn off to reveal something totally new. I lost track of time then. I don't know when I came back, but the first feeling was that of a million needles piercing all over the body. The pain was bearable, but couldn't stop getting goosebumps all over. I did not know where I was. Feeling greedy, I tried focusing again, but something was pushing me hard
    not to. With tears, I woke up and took sometime to balance as my body was still recovering from numbness.

    I could recognize something, when it happened the next time, after several days. There was that distant sound of a bird that I could still differentiate from other sounds. And it was getting shriller and louder before it happened again. I tried to search the bird in vain, feeling it must have been a cuckoo. No, it wasn't. I tried searching inwards and could get nothing. It eluded me once again. It was after many days that I was in a position to hear that call in a frequency, that pushed me to a high before falling in to that state. Next time I tried to focus on the gap between two such calls and found that it pushed me faster. It is quite difficult to experience a statelessness and next to impossible for me with my limited vocabulary to explain that. By sheer laziness and lack of determination and fear, I stopped practising later on, leaving the mind to happily roam all over. Its close to two decades now, but somewhere deep inside, I am hopeful of being there again, like meeting an old friend after several years. I resemble a long since empty perfume jar.

    The only thing that remains is that shrill voice of a nameless bird!
     
  2. jayasala42

    jayasala42 Finest Post Winner

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    You have experienced a 'thrill' and the inexplicable feeling has been narrated so well that
    I went through your essay thrice to verify whether I am able to digest the inner experience.Sadly enough, I could not
    I have heard about such experiences many of my friends had while doing meditation though they are unable to give a description as you have given.Each type of meditation including breathing exercises and mantra meditation or 'AUM" chanting or listening to music, writing poems or enjoying literary works, enjoying play with innocent kids of a few months old,helping the needy, the satisfaction you derive when you render help in crisis-May be it is the shrill sound of a bird,a blabbering of a two year old kid or a bright light flash or total silence amidst a noisy place ! Scientists have their own explanation about the functions of various enzymes like Dopamine that are being secreted voluminously to make one feel the 'thrill' you have experienced.
    Very nice to read your essay.

    jayasala 42
     
  3. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    If my understanding of this snippet is somewhere close to called 'understanding', I would say you are lucky. Millions of people try to control the mind and fail miserably. Gita recommends constant practice. Yet there is hardly a time when we are in a position to reach the state of 'Zero' status when the mind is empty. You possibly reached this stage and that is the bird you are talking about. You are lucky. It is said that one who has achieved this even for a few seconds has achieved peace of mind and that feeling lingers for life.
     
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  4. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @rgsrinivasan
    Dear RGS
    I am as overawed by your writing as I am of Saul Bellow. Having been told of the power of his novel Henderson the Rain King, I got a copy and started reading it. I got stuck with a sentence in that novel, "In an age of madness, to expect to be untouched by madness is a form of madness. But the pursuit of sanity can be a form of madness, too", I decided to keep at it until it became clear to my muddled mind.
    Your writings expose the shallowness of my own. Meditation is far beyond my capabilities. The nagging memories of over seven decades of living will never permit me to meditate peacefully. When I sit in meditation, my otherwise dormant mind slides into top gear and moves at breakneck speed! I tell myself, 'Let the sleeping dog lie!'
    Sri
     
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  5. Urmila

    Urmila Silver IL'ite

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    An awe-inspiring experience. You had attained something which I don’t think will ever be able to feel. Most the times when closing eyes nothing happens except for my “monkey mind” which does it’s job as usual!
     
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  6. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear RGS,

    It is such a pleasure reading it even though it took sometime to carefully digest the content of your snippet. Like what Smt. Jayasala mentioned, it could be a significant psychedelic experience that allowed your mind to experience your consciousness. Like the learned explained, there is a bird that performs all actions in our lives and the other is watching all of them. Perhaps, you reached out to the bird that was watching. At certain level of intensity to regulate mind, the biological needs such as breath, food to sustain cells, etc. are no longer needed. It is my understanding that people sometimes experience losing their form and feel lighter and lighter. Some Saints had experienced difficulty when their nails or hairs were removed as the vibration intensity inside their body creates an aura around them. I have written elsewhere about Buddhist Monks shrinking their physical body into a small size and sometimes losing it entirely creating a rainbow body or light.

    There is a reason why people suggest meditation soon after deep sleep in the early morning hours. That is when our Satwic qualities are the highest. Like you pointed out, it is hard to explain such experiences.

    Viswa
     
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  7. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear rgs,
    I had to read quite a few times to understand what you have written. Perhaps the "shrill" is what learned people call "bliss". My knowledge on this subject is very very limited. So, I dare not comment on it...... Especially after reading fbs of people with a lot of knowledge. But I feel you had a great experience!
    Personally I can concentrate when I do something with eyes open fairly well. But the minute I close my eyes (except for sleeping) the caged monkey of thoughts as expressed by Urmila jumps in!!!!
    Syamala
     
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  8. periamma

    periamma IL Hall of Fame

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    @rgsrinivasan rgs you are a blessed soul .All your Poems on The Almighty shows your capability in Mind controlling.only who have experienced the presence of God can bring out such words.
     
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  9. rgsrinivasan

    rgsrinivasan IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for your nice feedback@jayasala42 madam. To be frank with you, I did not see it as a 'thrill', but was so afraid but could not do anything at all then. Could not sense the adrenaline, I am sure about it, bit felt like being carried away in a whisker to somewhere, causing a tremendous fear.
    Then when I could hear that sound later on, each note was resonating all over, and felt like vibrating like an organ. Didn't know what it was, why it happened to me and what it indicated. But then, its close to 2 decades now. It did feel like delirium though, but I felt supercharged instead of being spent up and a happiness was felt was some days later. -rgs
     
  10. rgsrinivasan

    rgsrinivasan IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't know whether I did experience such a state, @HariLakhera sir, but I am happy that it happened. And yes, it feels like the blind getting eyesight for a minute before being blind again by a blinding light. I may say a lot of words, but I am clouding myself when I do that. So I try not to expect that again, whenever I close my eyes and pray, though such moments are less. But its safe to say, it felt so frightening in the beginning, but wonderful later on. Thanks for your feedback. -rgs
     
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