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Should Your Spouse's Enemy Aslo Be Your Enemy ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by friendabc, Sep 19, 2018.

  1. friendabc

    friendabc Silver IL'ite

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    this is a dilemma many of us face in our life. I was recently asked for my opinion about this .

    just to elaborate ...suppose a husband/wife has a relative / acquaintance ,who is vicious with one of them /does not talk with one of them.(for argument's sale lets say HUSBAND)... but is on talking terms with wife .considering that if the husband is right and the relative/acquaintance is not then should the wife also stop talking with the said relative ?
    what if the husband asks the wife not to talk with the said reltive ?

    please try to share your personal / someone's else's experience as an example .
     
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  2. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I would never entertain them in my life . If it's some one elderly maybe I'll try to resolve the situation first , but ultimately I will stand up for my husband

    I do believe one should have an independent bias free mind , and we should judge things and people for ourselves. But that applies to professional situation . Wrt relative and acquaintances it's not wrong to act as a team with ur spouse . So I would not make an enemy of that person but definitely I would not keep any unnecessary relations . That's the least we can do to stand up for our spouse.if we won't stand up who will ?
    If I meet them at parties make sure we let them know that spouse and I are one team.so best to ignore them completely . And if they said anything to hurt my husband directly then I am.ready to take it up with them .
     
  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    The old idiocy of the colonial times, namely, "my enemy's enemy is my friend", or "my friend's enemy is my enemy" does not work anymore.

    These days we have the acronym WIIFM (What's in it for me?). Those who can answer this question well enough, can get into the manipulative games. Otherwise, they must keep out of troubles, and treat all of the husband's people with the same level of the correct mix of friendship, curiosity, and indifference.

    For girls who can master this, there will be compliments like "she is so nice, I don't know how she puts up with her husband" from the husband's enemies, and "she is clever, no?... did you notice how well she confused, and handled that guy trying to backstab her husband?" from her husband's friends.... and so on.
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Well, this happened with me

    One of my good friend and my H had some rifts. I was not in the scene when they had this problem, so both had their own version of explanation about this.
    I tried a bit to clear the air, and bring them back in my life as it was before. But it only damaged the relationship further.
    At that point, I had to make a decision. And I did chose my H, and stood by him.
    Which made my friend eventually cut off all the ties with us together.
    Its been a decade since we had interacted. She doesn't even recognize me in our common whatsapp group.
    It is a pain, but my H still understands this... so its worth it.
     
  5. friendabc

    friendabc Silver IL'ite

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    first of all ..thanks a lot for the prompt post !!!:clap2: .
    now let me change the query a bit ...what if that person is not the husband but mother /father ...will it be the same or would it change the answer?
    just trying to explore various aspects .
     
  6. friendabc

    friendabc Silver IL'ite

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    @nakshatra1 @SGBV
    first of all i really appreciate your loyalty for your spouse:clap2: ... my views are exactly the same ...i think one should stand for one's near n dear one .:angel:
    but let me add another aspect/situation to this ---

    what if your husband does not do the same ?? what if he would keep on talking to that person ?:eek:
    would u ask him not to do so or would so keep quiet ?:rolleye:
    would you feel sad/ disappointed by that ..and last but not the least
    would u change your stance /attitude after that?:grimacing: ?
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Same, unless the other party is not your H.
    I mean, I could stay away from a relative, friend or neighbor if they have tiffs with my mom/dad. But can't do the same with my H no matter how much tiffs my parents have with him.
     
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  8. friendabc

    friendabc Silver IL'ite

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    nice to see u stand for ur loved ones.... but after observing around i find that most people dont stand for their spouses ...i donno if uve come across the same or not ...

    i would love opinions of @Thyagarajan @SinghManisha @GeetaKashyap @BerryPine etc on the same cuz i alwaya admire their insight and cognizance
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2018
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  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    We should be realistic it depends on closeness of that relative . If that person is husbands brother or sister we should not expect that he should cut off just for our sake . Same with his siblings spouses as it's not possible . Max we can expect is he understand and acknowledge our pain that's all.
    We should not try to control our spouse to that extent . He needs his family whether they like us or not , we should not come in between .
    For distant relatives , acquaintances we can expect him to avoid but not to be bitchy to them . After all their is no value of forced loyalty ... it has to come form his heart Just like we expect best friend of "take our side " we can already expect our DH to avoid that person . But if it causes him distress better to let it go . Husband well-being is more important and if u love him u can't see him.in pain.
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2018
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, many.. But not all...
    And it depends, so can't really judge

    For ex: A woman doesn't always wants to stand by her cheating or abusive H. Instead her heart would be connected to her parents or any loving relative who gives her comfort at times of crisis, right.
    Mostly, it happens when there is no emotional connect between the spouses. Of late, I've noted that many of the marriages Ive seen are running for the sake of responsibility only. It is purely duty based.
    H provides, and wife nurtures the family, does the chores... none with love and affection or with romance. But this is how it is for many after a point.
     
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