Should I ?

Monita, before resorting to playing the cassette to your DH, think of some other solution. From your post it seems that the core of the problem is that you have too much workload, is that true? Is there some way that you can reduce the work load? I see that you are in Australia and so a house-help might not be a solution. But can you automate most of your house-work, like using a dishwasher regularly, using a mixer to make dough, hoppers for veggies, frozen veggies, etc. Think of ways to reduce your workload, because come what may, if you MIL has never helped you till date, she probably will not. It would be in great interest of your marriage to invest in helpful kitchen aids and make your work easier.

Complaining to your DH might or might not work. First try other methods, also try not complaining to DH at all and see how he reacts, does he ever support you? If he has ever supported you, then it might be best to give him some more time before he realizes that your MIL in not right in her behavior.

 

monita,

from your subsequent post where she talks that your dh is a joru ka ghulam it may sway either way. though i suggested you to play it to him, the more i think about it i feel it is not going to work. you can wake a person who is sleeping, but cannot wake a person who may/maynot be faking sleep.. in your husband's case he could genuinely be not aware, but again that is a big chance you are taking.

from where i see, you could talk to your husband, to give his mother some attention in the weekends. another thing see to it that you go and ask her help to make the rotis and you will cook them. that is tell it aloud in front of your husband that mom/whatever you call, please make the roties, i will cook it so that we all can have it hot. include everybody into it. make it so tight. each of you does a job. your son puts the plate, your husband gets the food to the table. only when she sees everybody involved she may feel that she needs to atleast take and eat her own food and not wait to be served.

it is very difficult to find a common ground to engage ourselves with them...if your mil is into some hobbies like knitting/crochet maybe maybe you can ask her to do something and you can just try to pick the needle.

If she listens to bajans, you can stop the tv and make her listen to ram/om chanting. talk about old film music if it interests her. introduce her to old people..see if she finds a rapport..if she starts with complaining and cribbing, cursing allow her to..remember zen saying, as long as you don't accept them it goes back to the person who uses..think it is not you she is complaining.

maybe there is a residual insecurity in her. the way she says she will not cook, maybe she has the fear that once she starts, you will make it her responsiblity to cook for herself and go ahead with whatever you do..you know idle mind thinks all permutations and combinations.

I am not sure what would work as i cannot guess things sitting in front of the pc. it is you who faces the tune day in and day out..some are lucky to have instant success and some have to work hard.

 

monita whether you ask her for help or not she is doing the same complaining to relatives. so why do you bother working for her. you are giving more importance to her and relatives than needed.

sorry you misunderstood my post. I did not mean to say I am a good dil,there is no good/bad dil, good/bad mil. Only situations bring out the good/bad from each person is what I beleive. I dont live with my mil, i was trying to help you. I asked you not to do too much work for her and do only as much as you can and ignore her. if this has been happening for 14 yrs then you would have a good idea about each person in your life. Ask yourself if anything can change them and their opinions your mil or dh and act according to that.

if she is being good to you in public and in private bad then you do the same but not to that extent. Small small thigns. You serve her only when your husband is around and when he is not just cook food lay it on table and do your work dont be around lock yourself. Later you can tell her how it feels when she behave good when husband/public is around. If this is how she behaves she gets the same behaviour.

 

Acceptance of any situation releases stress.
Your MIL will complain, your DH will ignore your complaints , you also follow your DHs example and turn a deaf ear to your MIL .
Dont expect DH to change after hearing the recording, it may backfire.He has accepted that his Mom is a complainer so should you.He has also accepted that his Mom and DW dont get along.
Dont play the recording unless your DH says that you are neglecting his Mom .
If he doesnt interfere between you two let it go. He will always protect his Mom so accept it even if you have 10 witnesses !
I used to be totally stressed out , now I have stopped caring about others reactions and just follow my DHs behavior of ignoring things .

 

Monita, I think shilpama is right. And if you are thinking that he should know about reality then you are wrong. Actually he already might be knowing reality because he was with her there before you. He must be knowing his mom nature well. But this type of men (sorry) though knowing everything, behave as if they don't know or just don't want to accept. Even after hearing the tape there is possibility that he will find some other excuse to defend his mom. He will never accept that his mom could be wrong. And please you control your frustration and calm down. Just ignore that old lady and live your life. I haven't read your whole previous post but all you should do is prepare the food and inform her that is prepared and kept in kitchen and pls warm it and serve it to yourself whenever you want. What max she will do other than telling others, that she is doing even though you are giving her food. So sometimes you just have to be thick skinned and uncaring. Now its more that 15 years of your marriage and you are not some newly married that you have to be scared of this people all the time.

 

Hi lots of hugs,
on a different note....she complains anyways, why not just do that? do not server her? I know we have been through this discussion before a little.....but it takes lots of courage to do it, i could not, but could you?
Just let her know food is ready..

Also can you afford some house hold help? if so , keep a maid just for her, and let maid do her work and you can do the rest....it willgive you a break from her...

otherwise i like the idea of playing it to DH, really i mean if he does not belive you, he needs to know it for once,
just pick the right time and mood as somebody said and stage the background that you r not complaining but just feel hurt that u do so much and all you want is two words of luv and instead this is what you get.

Good luck

 

Dear Monita..
I rarely come to this forum and even rarely dare to reply as I feel its too personal.. but I read your earlier thread yesterday and all the FBs and today this one...
you seem to be such a lovely person who has served her MIL for 15yrs without any appreciation.. hats off..
I know its so difficult to go on like this.. only human nature.. but my dear just read those lines which I've quoted.. see what this lady is reducing you to.. why are you letting her affect you???.. the more you show displeasure and stress and have problems with your DH the more you give in to her goals to make your life difficult...YOU ARE LETTING HER WIN!!!... and she will be gleaming with joy in her private moments.. STOP letting her affect you.. get hold of yourself.. Do whatever pleases you and don't do the rest.. its time to assert yourself after all you live only once.. if you don't want to cook ..don't.. she will complain.. let her.. anyways she does.. you will have a fight with DH.. anyways.. it happens.. so whats to loose??? only a win win situation for you.. the minute you stop reacting and getting stressed she will relent because she is not achieving her aim..and all around you including your DH will realise that you mean business.. if he says that you should do something for her and it doesn't suit you tell him that you won't.. atleast you will be free of this stress..
Why do you think she complains when you are within hearing distance.. (even if you think she does this on the sly she is much aware of your presence).. why do you think she opened the gift.. just to get your goat.. so learn to ignore..
why do some people get pleasure by torturing others and whats wrong with her personality are all debatable topics... but to live life on your own terms specially once you cross 40 is very important for you & your mental well being..
Oh yes and before you ask me the usual.. I've lived with my MIL and she is as typically wicked & cunning as one can be and even when she is not with us she loves to remote control.. I was almost mentally unstable because of the stress of the relation... then I decided enough is enough.. I stood for myself and my desires...all were shocked but then I've drawn my lines and limits for each one & every person in my life.. and thats it... DON"T EMPOWER OTHERS TO HURT YOU
all the best to you
K