Should I ?

Hi Monita, Flowerlady is right that he cannot stop her. It will only add more to her complaints to relatives if your DH questioned her. Unfortunately it is what it is, cannot change her much, neither him nor you. You have to just do what you can and leave it. Serve when you can and let her help herself when you cant and she is fit.

I feel your DH needs to listen to the conversation. Shilpama has given you a good adivce. Send it via email. In the email tell him, you have something to share that after listneing to which you dont want him to fight or question anybody. It is just for your peace of mind that you are sharing. Dont ask him what to do about it Just tell him what you plan to do. Tell him that cat will rebel when beaten in closed doors. Tell him she is old and you can ignore her comments but you need to share the pain with him else you will bottle up emotions, negativity and will burst someday on her which you dont want to happen, he will defenetely understand this point. That is the reason you are sending this to him. He does not have to discuss it with you in person when he returns home as you can understand that it is not easy for him. And whenever your emotions are hurt you are going to share with him the pain by sending a mail and he does not need to discuss it but can send a word or two passionate lines to soothe you. That is all you expect.

About you MIL, you should not stretch yourself too much it will end up in frustration. Cook food, eat together so you dont have to serve. I think she is feeling lonely and does not like to eat alone. She wants somebody around her.
Complaining part tell her just once how much it pains and hurts you when she talks bad about her. You are willing to take care of her but when you get to hear such complaints it breaks your heart and your love for her. You can tell her once, if she is sensible enough and kind hearted but just is fighting her loneliness she would stop that and behave well. Else you have no other choice but to ignore and do what you can. Encouraging kids to spend more time with her would help so she is not behind you all the time.

crockery pot gift I think is very natural for anybody to be curious about. Old people are even more curious. Just include her too so she can feel she is in loop. She may be grumpy about the cost but dont wait to hear that. just share that you are going to buy and gift something and go on doing your work to another room.

 

Dear Monita
Most DHs just take the ostrich attitude and refuse to see any fault with their family. Even if MIL says all this in front of him he will make a million excuses and point fingers at you for misunderstanding.

Showing the recording can widen the gulf between you two.
Remember your DH has been brought up by your MIL and believes that a wife is supposed to take care of everybody and should tolerate all type of behavior from MIL.It may be another win for MIL.
Once a DH said the he just switched off when his wife started ranting against his parents, he played deaf !After sometime his wife would stop crying and continue with the housework .
Why waste your energy trying to proove anything, it may not help. Channelise your time in some constructive activity.

 

Hi,
y do u serve and feel bad abt it..just dont serve her..let her do her work..if ur hubby asks u then tell him lies tht u hav served her thts it..play safe and nice

 

I agree with FL here.At this point,it's really hard to change your family dynamics and change attitude of your DH.He really may wants you to serve the food for her ,may be it's inner wish too.

How about this?Anyway you may spend good amount of time on cooking.If you are cooking nice foods then reduce time on cooking,find simple recipes and just server her when you are around.Sometimes ask you son help or your husband help.Saturday,Sunday - find your time and assign some duties your husband.

But complaining serving food for her may not work at all.

 

You should expose her but not now. Note down all your frustrations with her, all her frustrating behavior and her responses. Then tape her saying all these things. Tape her complaining phone calls to relatives and her meanness. Your evidence should be so overwhelming that he should not be able to dismiss it. A few sentences he will easily excuse (eg she was having a bad day, you must have made her mad, she did not really mean it). Don't ever underestimate the ability of an Indian male to make excuses for his mom. When you play the tape tell him that she forced you to do this as you have had yrs of frustration and cannot take it any more.
Good luck, I truly wish things work out well for you.

 

Dear Monita,

If he can't do anything on this, let it go. You don't need to play it now. It might also have an adverse effect on you. Just have two or three recordings for the sake of proof. So that your MIL don't play a foul game anymore with you/DH. After having a couple of evidence safely with you.. You do your job and let your MIL do hers. Since your MIL is fit and healthy, she could do the stuffs on her own. When you finished cooking, just leave it on the Kitchen/table, let your mil learn to serve for herself. If she doesn't eat and start to starve, tell her you will not serve for her anymore and move on. If she complains it to your DH, then play the recordings to him infront of everyone. Let others know the true color of the chameleon.

 

Playing the recordings to your DH will not come to much because he will not be able to do anything even if he has the proof of his mothers antings and ravings against you.

I dont know, but do you think it will be more effective in silencing your MIL if you play it for her??? Knowing you have proof of her words can perhaps make HER think twice before she talks ill about you... also when she hears for herself how bad she sounds... and the fear that you may play it to ur husband or other family some day if she pushes you too hard may shut her up...

its just a thought

 

upload the recording to youtube and or share it on your FB account.. exclusively for your husband to view it (select me, husband)... if you're not comfy with that then make a fake email id and mail those youtube links to ur husband.

His eyes need to be opened by a third party and I really doubt if you can get that honour in this life.