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Should I Work Or Stay Home

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ATI, Feb 23, 2019.

  1. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    Quitting the job is not an option - Just my view.

    Hire a nurse aide to drive ILs for doctor appointments, taking care of them in your absence during the day (when they get sick / need someone to be with them) and to take care of their grooming needs etc. Over all, ILs also need someone to interact with them / understand their needs on a daily basis.

    Keeping elders at home is same as a kid's day care need and it will cost that much as well. I am sure, your DH and BIL can share the expanses. Hiring a nurse aide could be less than keeping ILs (2 of them) in high end retirement home in India?

    Your kids are teenagers, they need your full attention in studies, after school activities, entertainment etc. Children shouldn't feel ignored, if you are overwhelmed in taking care of ILs, it will reflect on the kids with your impatience, anger, lack of physical strength. You can do only so much!

    I have seen many Indian families keep their ILs in separate apartment in nearby location. Also, witnessed the family drifting apart, kids didn't do well in school / college, the kids emotionally moved away from their parents (parents fight due to ILs responsibility).

    It looks like, you are already signed up to take care of your ILs, it is not a simple task.
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2019
    hermitcrab, Amica and shravs3 like this.
  2. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Gold IL'ite

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    Pls don't quit job at any cost.
    I Know how much respect one can get if no job.
    Job gives you respect, financial independence, freedom to go out, you will have a voice. Without job you can't have all these. I understand kids needs your support. You're imagining after kids come from school your giving hot tiffin's, helping in homework later playing (board games) ...reality it's not
    Housework will gobble you from 6am to 10 pm.
    You will be demanded for 3 fresh meals, daily laundry, daily home cleaning.
    Later comes inlaws part.
    Don't quit. Simple.
     
    hermitcrab and Giri12 like this.
  3. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    I feel quitting will be a bad decision in such a situation. If you are feeling a bit stressed with your current job,join some less stressful job.

    Hire a maid or hire some nurses who are ready to take care of elderly people. There are many desi people too who are willing to take care of elders on hourly basis. You can connect with them through social media.

    At least you can have some time for yourself. You will have some financial independence. But if you quit,I’m sure everything falls on your head.
     
    Amica likes this.
  4. ATI

    ATI Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your comments. You are right - I shouldn’t quit. I just feel so cheated. I had opportunities to take up jobs that would have been more fulfilling and I didn’t because I wanted to get a specific salary. Now I am stuck in a job where I am not satisfied. Also I can’t grow too much because the next step will require travel and Dh can’t take care of kids when I travel. By can’t I mean won’t. He has no patience and kids get upset in the process. One time when I went to Europe my son called me at 3a my time begging me to do homework by FaceTime because DH was yelling at him if he made mistakes. So now I am stuck in an unfulfilling job and no way out.

    But you are all right that quitting isn’t the answer .i need to find a way to get DH to split work more evenly. I am just tired. I have no energy left. Something has to change

    Please suggest how I can make DH take on more responsibilities?
    Now DH has the added leverage of saying ‘quit’ anytime I complain he isn’t helping at home . And sadly kids are suffering through all this. They have a checked out dad and a tired mom
     
    hermitcrab likes this.
  5. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Money is not as issue, so why not find a job you like ? Outsource the cooking,cleaning and teaching kids. Clarify to your husband before hand that you are not comfortable and will not be taking your FIL to doctors appointments. Let him know that if he shares the household responsibilities you might share some of your in-laws responsibilities. But remember the word here is SHARE, which means it has to be a nearly equal division of duties.
    You might not like your in-laws ( justifiably so) and do not have to be their sole caregiver. But keep an open mind and help once in a while . That is what a marriage is about.
    There is no option of checking out once you are a parent. Assign some driving to classes or teaching duties to the husband.
    Will the in laws be splitting time between your and BIL’s house ?
     
    Amica likes this.
  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Just tell you dh that quitting is not an option as you have worked all your life n that’s who you are.

    Start applying for jobs that you like to do n move to it.

    Write a task list, assign your name, your dh, even your kids to each task - share the responsibility - if someone doesn’t do, jus don’t do the task till you find a way to make them do.
    Tell them it’s all their home equally, you go to ofis, dh goes to ofis, kids go to school, - similar schedules | now coming to home, share tasks too. Make them start giving in 30 mins each day for home tasks.
    Regarding kids: split the tasks that he’s good at n you are good at. If you have to do more for the kids, make dh do for the house then.
    Explain to him that he can’t not do nothing, everyone pitches in. Only you know which way works in convincing your dh. Jus keep trying, as the change won’t happen overnight, jus don’t give up.
    Look for external help like cleaners / cooks / nurse, basically anyone to make your life easier.
    Your first thing to do is to make you less “tired”.
     
    shravs3 likes this.
  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Outsource, outsource, outsource! You cannot do it all at the same time. As I mentioned in my earlier post if you are not doing so already, get weekly cleaning service. Many will also do your laundry as an extra. Have your groceries delivered. Instacart is everywhere . Get a yard service if you don't have one already and your DH is not willing/able to do it. Since your kids are older you probably don't need a full time nanny but you can get someone part time to be there when the kids come home from school, start homework, drive them to activities etc. Keep your meals simple during weekdays.
    Make your money work for you instead of simply working for your money.
    As for your job satisfaction if you do not need your current salary you can look for something that pays less but is more satisfying.
     
    hermitcrab, SinghManisha and shravs3 like this.
  8. ATI

    ATI Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks all - we currently have a full time house keeper/nanny. She keeps me sane !!! Dh and kids don’t like her cooking so I usually ask her to prep the veggies and cook the food myself. She takes kids to class after school and I do HW with them in the evenings. It all works out in the but we are in a fine balance. Any small thing can throw us off. When ILs are here nanny takes them to the stores etc but she wasn’t happy the last time - apparently they weren’t nice to her ; treated her like a servant in India. And here in the US you can’t do that. I have a huge fear she will quit if she has to keep doing stuff for ILs

    If that happens it’s very possible I will end up doing all the work for home/ kids/ DH / IL s and working full time.

    I know you are all suggesting DH take on his share - I don’t think that will happen . Dh can’t cook and his idea of cleaning is very different from mine . Dh believes if you can’t see the dirt/mess it’s not there. Ie throw all the mess in the closet and spray air freshener on it. Dh can play with kids but he can’t do any work with them. One time he fought my son’s teacher because she complained the DS wasn’t submitting homework. Dh told her the teacher as long as DS understands the subject he doesn’t need to do homework !!!! I am not kidding . I don’t let DH go to the kids school now!! Also DH is kinda of a crazy genius person and he can’t explain concepts to kids . So he gets frustrated. At this point I have told DH he just needs to have a good relationship with kids . If he has to parent them it’s over.
    Dh refuses to grow up ( I have another thread about this) and MiL comes here every year and reiterates the fact that Dh doesn’t have to grow up. She treats him like a baby and when she leaves he turns to me for mothering

    I don’t know. I am just rambling . Reality is Dh is very nice/ loving and we have a great time together. He is nice to my family and loves me and kids . He is funny and works very hard for us. So I give him a pass on any house / kids work. Is it fair ; probably not . But I don’t know how to change things after all these years
     
    hermitcrab likes this.
  9. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    The option of staying home to spend time with your kids is not open to you. You have two choices: Stay home, play nursemaid to hostile in-laws, no pay. OR Keep working, get paid and spend quality time with your kids outdoors.

    There is no point in discussing in-laws' care with DH. All promises are just words. If he brings up the subject simply state what you will or will not do and stick to it.

    Since your ILs are moving in, you are now free to travel. They can take care of the kids or teach their DS how to adult. Your travel for work might be the best thing to happen for everyone in your family.

    Nanny on in-law duty is a terrible idea. Don't do it! Let DH chauffeur his parents around. If he doesn't want to spend time with them, why invite them in the first place?

    You've been enabling this behavior. Time to stop.

    One step at a time. Make changes and stand firm. Trust that he will step up.
    .
     
  10. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    Don't leave your job. Trust me your health issues will get worse if you sit at home and deal with kids. I have been doing that for 10 years and believe me it pushes women into depression. Keep working.
     
    GlobetrotterG and Sunshine04 like this.

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