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Should I Walk Out Of Marriage? Advice Plz..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Newbee1, Nov 22, 2017.

  1. Newbee1

    Newbee1 Junior IL'ite

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    Thats true..
    I always get a feeling of an outsider. I keep trying to make him comfortable but when the rime comes ,he never stands by me. whenever we have an argument he is comfortable sleeping in another room for weeks,physical intimacy is not his weakness like most guys. No,I dont think he is gay. I had this thought that he might be gay but now I dont think so. Its erectile dysfunction and low T levels.
     
  2. Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    OP

    I didn't read all your posts only first. I have one very important suggestion for you. Convince your husband nicely to get title of house which is purchased in India. I am sure your PILs must have put their name on that house. Make sure your husband is aware about it and his siblings will definitely claim on that house. I have seen many indian husbands shocked to see how their siblings become defensive when it property discussion starts. Try to be nice with your husband and make sure that house is on your husband's name. He will be shocked that he is not going to get that house and it will open his eyes.
     
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  3. Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    OP

    One more thing Try to be financially independent. This time of your life should be investment. Try to do M.S. here which will help you to get good job. If not try to do certifications and focus on job search. Be financially independent which u will have to in any case (even if you separate). Once he see you are also working hard and his family is using him he will change.
     
  4. Newbee1

    Newbee1 Junior IL'ite

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    Thanks for ur suggestion,
    I think the house is in the name of my MIL and my husband. His younger brother has done MBBS and now studying for postgradution, He once said once he starts to earn he will contribute to the house (it will take good few years as he is yet to start Post graduation then he wants to start his own clinic) but this made me think that if he is going to pay for the house expenses/EMIs then he has no plans of leaving it anytime soon.
     
  5. Newbee1

    Newbee1 Junior IL'ite

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    Ladies,

    As I said earlier My husband and I were in a fight. He has apologized yesterday and said he will work things out. but thats the case pretty much everytime we argue. So I am not sure if I should believe him or not.

    I also made a mistake, I couldnt sleep for 3 days in a row, I just broke down and I told him that his parent shouldnt come if they already know about our financial condition , I also said that this thing should have discussed with me before letting them know that they can come. I know lots of ILs had advised not to speak against his parents but it was all in the heat of the moment. He just said that they are his parents and how can he say no to them and then started crying and kept saying sorry..I am used to this behaviour now, its his defense mechanism. We have started talking normally now but I still dont know whats on his mind?
    I dont understand why is it so difficult for husbands to say no to their parents if they are in a financial crisis. I told him they can come when we are in a position to afford their trip, we will invite them ourselves but now is not the time. Why do they feel so guilty? Why parents cant understand their own children's problems? Is it necessary to pinch every penny we have and make them happy? They both are earning and dont really need our help.
    My husband said that, kharcha to hoga but I will manage. I dont understand why we cant tell them that its not the right time, can we plan this trip sometime later?
    I have really started hating them now and I think my husband knows it.
    On every call we have the same discussion, where we will go for sight seeing, what all we want to buy from here. His dad keeps messaging me everyday how they are eager to see US. They have been here before only 2 years ago. They start acting all excited for the trip just like innocent children and I think that makes it difficult for my husband.
    I try to keep calm but their behaviors just irks me. I cant stand them for 2 months. :(
     
  6. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    His family is pretty dang materialistic, no?

    He probably resents them, too. But as long as you criticize them, he feels obliged to defend them.

    No one else can or should have input in whether you stay or leave. That is your decision alone.

    If you want to leave, leave now. The sooner, the better. Dragging out an unhappy situation won't help either of you.

    If you want to stay, start working on your marriage. Change your dynamic from [you vs (DH+ILs)] to [(you+DH) vs ILs.] How? Always use the pronoun "we" in dealing with any issue. It starts with your mindset. Once he senses your support, he may open up to you.

    Try to see things from his pov: His parents and brother are constantly saying "Gimme, gimme, gimme." He fears losing them if he doesn't comply. Then he marries you and you start saying "Gimme, gimme, gimme." He needs you to be on his side, to love him with no strings attached. He really doesn't want another gimme doll in his life. If you decide to stay in the marriage, you need to gently get him out of the mindset of seeing you as one more empty well to fill.

    If you stay and get a job, do not fall into the trap of financing his family. Don't make it easy for him to finance them either.

    Good luck, @Newbee1.
    .
     
  7. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    @Newbee1 I feel you are overreacting on everything. What are you worried for. If they come you will be short of money? For what the shortage will be? It will be of buying normal bread and butter or your shopping or the trips that you can plan if they won't come. What do you think us disturbing you a lot. When a kid goes to college parent also take loan for his studies just to make his future secure. They can also say do your studies when we will have money. But they don't do this. In fact they make themselves available all the time for even the smallest needs. Can you do this to your parents? Trust your husband understand his feelings and be with him. God takes care of all those people who give away everything for love. Don't be overprotective about yourself. Think about others too.
     
  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP,

    If you think walking away from this marriage give you better life, do it now instead of waiting for long. If that is what you want, go back to India, get your job back and think about future options. Only you can take a decision.

    If not, you have to work on this marriage. Stop blaming others for whatever reasons. You are also not perfect.
    If you like this marriage to work, your attitude will create more and more problem. Look like you are over thinking or possessive. Calm down and think in a rational way, what you can do to get what you want. If direct approach dont work try indirect approach. Use your brain well.

    If I where in your place, this is what I do- my thoughts here - check if anything works for you

    Stop talking about money or PILS if your husband provides you all basic things. If he is not worried about money why should you. If one dont listen to our honest and sincere advice even after many attempts, let them learn and suffer them selves. Take neutral stand.
    If he talk about it, listen and say, I told you enough, I dont want to talk bout it.

    I THINK YOUR PILS OR FAMILY ARE NOT MUCH AWARE OF YOUR FINANCIAL ISSUES. Your dh might have created an impression that he is super rich, with high salary and bank balance ( they may think if once can send $3000 month, how much he will have) and never shared any financial issue with them. If that is the case how can you blame them? It is you dh' duty to tell them NO. But he didn't. He has to tell them his situation,

    You can use their visit as a blessing in disguise. I noticed that when their parents visit many men try to make them comfortable by providing all luxuries (I know a friend who didn't buy even a good bed for them bought every thing when his parents visited) .

    Watch what he is doing. Create an impression to him that you are his team member and talk about how you can make PILS visit comfortable. Then say they may be bored without even a TV and what else you can do to entertain (Use your tactics here).

    So far you dont have any serious issues with PILS, Please dont create new (you dont like them because you feel that they are using dh). I am not asking you to do seva, but use this opportunity to build a friendly relationship with them. Create an impression that you respect, love and is part of their family. If they ask you anything, reply as if you dont know anything , but ask dh... always direct them to their son.

    If you build a good relationship, you will be able to discuss your concerns before they leave. You can talk (not in front of dh) that you are very much worried about his health and his stressful life etc in indirect way. Say your you are helpless as you cannot help him financially because of visa issues. Create the impression that you love care and so worried about dh. ( practice well before uttering anything as it is a sensitive issue).

    If you can create an impression that you have good relation with PILS, your dh may respect you more and you can use that as a tool in your life.

    PILS are not your parents and your are not their daughter. So always maintain that safe boundary. But talk in very careful, respectful way. In the first few years,it is better to go on a watch mode as a DIL. Watch PILS and learn what approach work with them. Use it wisely later. You are a new one to their family, It take time for them to accept you also. But most girls make a mistake that they have full right on their dh than PILS and act as over possessive (they fail to understand both relationships are different). That is where many issues start. If one cannot be a good son, how can he became a good husband or father?
    Dont interfere in the relation between dh and PILs. It create lot tensions and issues.

    You are a smart girl, use every opportunity that comes your way, even if it is a tough time, even if you have to do some work.

    If you have any urge to fight with dh, try to chant some manthra (anything even ohm) or count to one to 50 or walk away. Relax, once both of you are in relaxed mode,talk in calm and composed way about your points. All other ways are just waste of energy and may build more negativity.

    Keep doing what are doing ( like preparing for GRE or job search). Get a job, dont give money to support PILS, have your own account. Manage your finances yourself

    Be busy & positive.
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2017
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  9. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    Any property dealing after marriage should be very individualistic. if the house is in name of MIL and DH. let it be. Buy a new house name of MIL and BRO.

    Please note helping family is different, he can give 1 crore for his bro as helping but material dealings as shared investments is never good.

    Money corrupts.

    Real experience, my father lost his part of family share 30 years back when his brothers cheated him , pretty much the same style of having a shared property. then the youngest bro, fooled mom by having her sign the property papers and sisters got the jewels.

    So i know how to grow up poor and watch your cousins grow wealthy.
     
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  10. Newbee1

    Newbee1 Junior IL'ite

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    Thanks @DDream for ur advice.

    My husband gets too defensive in arguments and can be very hurtful to defend himself. He is loving otherwise. But he says so many hurtful things ,it becomes difficult for me to get back to normal soon.

    Regarding his parents, they very well know about our situation here.
    They also know our bedroom problems and that financial stress is also one of the reason behind it. My husband had once shared the financial problem with them,they were like we are worried for you and all. and then made a plan to visit us,were they thinking they are helping us? They never ask how is ur health, do you eat properly,hows work,Its all about travelling shopping etc. Last time when we visited India, we entered into a house after 24 hr flight,just sat for 2 mins,they didnt even ask for water but came with maintenance bills and put those bills in front of my husband.
    Then the 2nd day,made him buy kitchen appliances. and they do all drama like they take him to the store, act as if they are going to pay for things, my husband then says its alright,I will pay for this stuff. They know my husband and take advantage of that and that thing hurts me. Anyone can clearly see these things, I dont understand how my husband doesnt see it. Its simple if they want things for themselves they can buy, why tell my husband about it unless they want him to pay for that. Every little thing in that house is bought by husband. They always want things ,its been 5 yrs that my husband has bought the house but still list of things needed for the house never ends. I feel bad for him,I can sense that he is under stress but he cant do anything about it. He has comply to their demands.

    His entire family is very very pretentious. My husband said this to me himself.My husband has 2 cousins here in US elder than him,Both of them have a kid,and their parents visit here quiet frequently.So his parents also dont want to be behind and want to show that yeah we also visit US frequently. They dont understand that other 2 cousins are now settled here plus they have not made any major investment in India i.e. house.
    I can go on about examples but one thing is very clear to me that they are very selfish and greedy. They act very helpless in front my husband and get everything done without asking. My husband doesnt say a thing,he never will given his nature and that worries me.
     
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