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Should I Walk Out Of Marriage? Advice Plz..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Newbee1, Nov 22, 2017.

  1. Ravsaries17

    Ravsaries17 Senior IL'ite

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    A very mature answer indeed !!


     
  2. amunique

    amunique Gold IL'ite

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    The best advice @Nonya has given you.. op please think about this... because i have been there and i know what it feels like..
    my other negatives were, abusive husband who used to beat me black and blue if i ever tried to remind about his responsibilities(be it career wise/financially/bed room issues lol :)) because he did not even think eating properly(with own hard earned money...having a satisfied s*x life...socializing ..going out on weekends...overall..trying to find the purpose of life...was the way it should be and it is.. how pathetic..

    tell me, how can you try and put sense into a being which is completely different from mankind?....

    i am seperated now and my father is so much irresponsible that he dint even take steps to file a case...
    i am financially down as i dont have a job now..its been three years...i have become so obese too..thinking about things and worrying about things which are not within my control...i did this mistake and lost a lot of time....and i am repenting now...i am outdated on everything now...so please take charge of your life when you still have options....

    take care... eat well meanwhile and rest... this is important for clarity of mind... see you did not do any wrong so y take punishments on daily basis like overthinking etc?
     
    Newbee1 likes this.
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    You identified an issue, he denied, then you pushed n got him tested, it was true, then he pleads n ask for your help, you did your research n tried to help, now he says you are dominating.

    Then points you to be materialistic, needy, etc too

    Reading your posts n replies, he seems to be pretty good at this strategy games n defence mechanism. But he's also got a smart wife who can easily decode his 'weekend shopping game', n to help him with his 'testosterone issue'.

    Which just shows that you can actually handle this all pretty well.

    You are right about the drama of being divorced n settling back in india with all the relatives around. Relatives or known circle around us makes this tough, that's why people prefer another country with none of them around.

    N plus I think it's too early to think about separating or divorcing.

    What you need to focus on..
    Prep yourself for the interviews, do some job hunting, wait for the visa, n start applying.

    Maybe take it easy on him for a while, since you have tried pushing n also crying, n nothing has worked. Maybe take a lil break from thinking about both the financial n intimacy issues n just take it easy. Try to see him as a friend / buddy n have no expectations.

    Forget the in laws
    Forget the money
    Forget about the testosterone issue
    - don't even utter a word about it

    Don't think about a baby till you both find atleast a good friendship with each other.

    Focus on getting the visa n a job
    Be friends

    Have a timeline to do this, see if there are any positive changes then take a stand.


    Worst case scenario, if nothing works n if he's really a horrendous husband n you can't imagine living with him. Just wait n get a job, preferably in a different city or state in the same country n move out. If you still feel hopeless about the marriage, then apply for a divorce. By this time, you would have become independent and have a job n financial freedom, which will save you from facing any family drama or returning back to your parents house.
     
    sweetsmiley, Newbee1 and luvpeace like this.
  4. hino

    hino Silver IL'ite

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    Totally agree with this . 100/100
     
  5. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    There have been many NRI children who bought houses in India, registered in the name of their parents. And eventually the NRI never came back, and the parents decide to let the sibling (who had lived with the parents in "their" home) get the fully paid-up house, by simple squatter's rights.
    Suffering years and years of horrible TV- and sex-less life, only to wait for some unknown, well-used 3BLDK (bed, living, dining, kitchen) flat come to the husband who had been the cause of it all ?? What is a H4 wife to do in the meantime ? write ||||-slash on the walls of her 1bedroom flat, and count the days ?
    Free the H4 slave. Let her go home ! Her only problem may be that she'd not get the money from her skinflint husband to get a ticket to go home. After all, why would anyone let a cook, cleaner, sex (to the extent the testosterone levels permit) slave, and serf escape ? OP needs to somehow finagle her way to freedom.
     
  6. catwalk

    catwalk Gold IL'ite

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    You have valid points. Your requirements are minimum and very reasonable. But you just arrived in their life. It might be foolish to intervene in their life. They are in their comfort zone.
    You will have to adapt to the situation. Nothing would happen Unless your DH realize the need of controlling his expenses. So dont waste your time, fighting each other.

    Lower libido is pretty common these days, especially among techies. High work load and stress are the major reasons behind it. Lack of physical excercises makes it even worser.

    You should not stay away from divorce just because of the public reaction or job or income etc. You must focus on your happiness, comfort level and tolerance limits..Develop open communication with DH without any fear. Give few more months for settling down. Do not try to please anyone.

    Then make a decision.
     
    Newbee1 likes this.
  7. udontunderstand

    udontunderstand New IL'ite

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    Hi Newbee1,

    I am so sorry you are going through this situation in life and I feel for you but hang in there! I am going to try and maybe throw some light on what I think you could do but the decision is completely yours. I am only trying to influence you in a very positive way. :)

    Looks like there are many people and duties in his life that are consuming him. He wants to be a good son, brother, friend and the best husband. On one hand he has his parental family that he cares for and on the other hand he has you that he loves and wants to build a life with. He is torn between the two. He has to figure out how to strike a balance between both and this is something you cannot help him with. Its his inner work. Give it some time and in the meanwhile, mentally detach yourself from the situation, calm yourself and go about living your life. Try putting all your focus on building your life and being the best woman, wife, sister, daughter, mother you can be. Maybe you can try getting a job here or cultivate some of your hobbies. That way you will make good friends that will share your interests and you will enjoy life. This will also take the stress off his shoulders and he will be able to balance himself and that will lead to a beautiful love life.

    Hope you find your answer. Lots of love.
     
    shravs3 and Newbee1 like this.
  8. Jamelia02

    Jamelia02 Silver IL'ite

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    Get a job or do higher studies if you can afford it.
    Don't hope on H4 EAD in which case you have to depend on your husband. I too had similar financial issues in the beginning as a newly wed and was frustrated. i did post them here in IL & they gave me various aspects to look at the issue from and many suggested me to stand independent. 4 years passed now and I did my masters and have a job now. And though the financial issues hasn't entirely vanished at least the situation is better. My husband do discuss everything with me and respects me in most matters. Even otherwise I'm not too much bothered on how he decides to handle his family financial things as I know my husband is become responsible for me and my son too. The care and affection will develop over years. As for the intimacy issue, thats a whole different topic and you should work on that. Even though I have a 9 month old son, from beginning my intimacy life wasn't great and I wana slap myself for not taking it seriously. Its only after I become pregnant that I realized my hormones were demanding the intimacy and in last 2 years ever since I became pregnant, we had sex just 4 times. So take this issue seriously first. Your husband seems to be responsible so eventually he will be take care of your needs too.
    So, my main suggestion for you here is pls stand independent before you try to take major turns in your life.
     
    Newbee1 likes this.
  9. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, I have seen a lot of people (including my best friends husband) sending money to parents back home in India. While it inherently isn’t a bad thing, if it’s affecting the joy in your life, then it needs to be addressed.


    I have said this to so many young women on this forum and I am going to tell this to you too. If you even think of going against his parents, you already lost a battle before it began. Do not do that. Not now at least. In most arranged marriages, you enter the household of an unknown person. It is far more beneficial for you to keep his parents in your corner than to try to alginate them. It also hold good for your husband. Its far more important for you to lay a good foundation for your future with him, if you want a future with him i.e.


    Not getting a TV is no reason for divorce. Lack of intimacy is. Pick your battles and fight them one at a time. Even in my case, it took years before my husband finally realised that I am his immediate family and his parents are extended family.

    We also didn’t have a lot of money left when we started. No furniture other than kitchen appliances and one bed to sleep on.

    Make him miss you. Work on the relationship. I honestly don’t think 10 months is enough time for you to consider separation.
     
    shravs3, Newbee1 and VinuthaS like this.
  10. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Apart from what I said above, also note this. Prioritize your issues. You cannot jump into too many battles at the same time. Do you want a good relationship with your husband first or to stop that 3000 k monthly mortgage or something else.

    Depending on that we can for a strategy. One thing at a time. There is your whole life ahead of you. Do not even consider this divorce thing now.


    I forget who posted this. It happened about 3 years ago. Some guy was exactly like your husband. She also had the additional burden of her sister in law living in that same city and she would pop by over every week. EVERY FRIKKING WEEK. That OP never had a chance to even initiate anything physical as someone or the other were constantly at home with them. Then she took things in her hands, cooked the best delicious food, not just Indian food. She would put a good movie in the laptop itself and would make the ambiance very good. Soon the guy realised how much nicer it would be to have a good TV. So, TV came to their lives.

    Same thing with SIL. When SIL was around, OP would dress really good, give sideway glances to her husband and try to give him hidden kisses. Slowys the guy started realising that his sister is intruding if she is coming every weekend.


    If someone can search that post it would be great.
     

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