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Should I Walk Out Of Marriage? Advice Plz..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Newbee1, Nov 22, 2017.

  1. Newbee1

    Newbee1 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I wanted to share my story and need inputs from you.I had already shared my story on another thread and posted latest update there but maybe noone noticed it as its old thread. So i am taking a chance of posting a new thread. Here is my earlier story.
    My husband has worked for over 7 years in US and has bought a huge expensive house for his parents in India. He is still paying EMI $3000 or more per month.
    We have been married for 10 months and we have not yet discussed the financial budget as I feel it will send him a message that I am money minded and dont like his family.
    We stay here in a rental apartment that too is 1bed 1 bath while his family lives a luxurious lifestyle(3bhk flat, household help). Their expectations are high like should take care of maintainance of the house along with the EMIs,should buy many things for them( his younger brother keeps asking for iphone, branded shoes and whatnot). They can really afford these things but want my husband to pay for them. My husband is way too polite and sensitive to say No to them. He never buys anything for him, keeps wearing old stuff, we dont have good furniture at our place. I asked for TV after 4 months of our marriage(he didnt even have tv back then) he plainly refused to do so saying we cant afford to buy a TV.This makes me to resent them very much, how can they do such things with their own son? They know that financial conditions are not very good for us but wont stop leeching off my husband.
    One thing I also want to mention that we have bedroom problems as well,he has very low testesterone levels when I confronted him about it ,he said he has financial stress. Then I told him that buying a lavish house was a mistake because it is only affecting us. He didnt say anything that time but he started to avoid telling me about any financial matters as he thought I will not like it. It is true that I wont like it but it shouldnt be kept hidden from me just to avoid a fight. My husband is very defensive and doesnt listen to a word against him or his family. I now do not know how much money he sends back home, if has increased/decreased the amount after marriage, how much money goes into maintainance, his brother has sent a list of things to buy at thanksgiving sale which he has not shared with me.
    I cant talk directly with in laws because it will be useless. If they were clueless about difficulties we are facing here then it was worth discussing with them. But they know we live very basic life here and the financial stress also leads to troubles in bedroom as well but still wont take a step back.
    I cant talk to my husband also beacause I dont want him to think I am materallstic, he gets upset and doesnt talk to me at all. He doesnt even care about physical intimacy beacause of low testesterone levels. I do not understand how to deal with this.

    And now this--> Yesterday my husband and I got into a fight. And he called me materialistic because I had asked for TV. I told him that TV is not a luxurious thing but he was like whatever I couldnt afford it that time and u made me buy it.
    We went on vacations 2 times, that also he asserted that TV,vacations,shopping are all b materialistic things.
    Why didnt u marry a rich guy or a businessman if u wanted all this?

    I was hurt by his comments.I didnt ask for anything that was costly or something.Asking for TV, asking for occasional hangout, how does that make me materialistic? He was playing a victim card saying I have no money and cant keep you happy, go find someone else to make u happy.I have to pay for EMI for the house bought in Mumbai.

    I dont understand what to do now, I was working at very good post and salary at Infosys in India.I left that job to accompany him here in US.I am on H4 visa now. I do not want to live with him anymore knowing that he thinks of me so low. I am considering separation from him but am scared as hell. Because if we get divorce, it will be me who will get affected the most.
    I will not have a job, I have lost 1 year in carrier which will be a huge setback. I will have to go back to India, there condition of a divorced woman is worst.Everyone will become suddenly interested in my life. It will be hard to be single again.
    It wont affect him as he will have his job here as before,his home. No one is going to bother him by asking questions in US.

    Sorry for a long post. Please help
    I called my mom today morning, then she called him but he was talking to her so nicely and convincing that my mom didnt say anything more and asked me to adjust.


    I am not sure what to do. Please guide me on this.
     
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  2. priyakumar22

    priyakumar22 New IL'ite

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    You are only married for 10 months. Men take years to understand that wife and kids are more important than anyone. You need to try for H1b and ignore this problem for time being.

    If he is decent, loving and good guy you should ignore this problem. Anyway the home will come to your husband in future.
     
    hino and sindmani like this.
  3. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    Stop worrying about TV and focus on intimacy. Try to be financial independent -explore options you have.

    Be active. Rest will follow. Be yourself and allow him to be himself.

    If you have internet you can watch TV online. So many options are there including YouTube channels

    Neglect financial issue for the time being and try to build mutual respect and love.

    "My husband is very defensive and doesnt listen to a word against him or his family" - what about you? do you like when someone talk against your parents. It take time to understand what to talk and what not to talk. Never complain about PILS to your husband. You are a smart girl staying away from PILS , use that wisely.

    The reasons you mentioned here are not enough for divorce, I think- It is just an adjustment issue (read IL forum if you want horrible stories). It take time to adjust in married life. Let him be a good son to his parents for the time being. Try to be a loving and understanding wife (not so possessive) and make him a loyal husband. Slowly he turn his attention to you. But it take time, give him some time. Try to be financially independent and manage your finance yourself.

    Most probably the house will come to him. Dont bring this topic again and again. He may consider it as nagging. Do you like if your husband complain about something to you all the time.

    Instead, remind him all the time about intimacy issue. Give him confidence and solve that issue first. It is the most important problem right now.
     
  4. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Silver IL'ite

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    Why do you ask your mom to speak with him?
    He is a good person, so he is being nice to her. what if he is a rude one, he will hurt your mother too.

    I think he has no plans to settle in US, thats y he is not buying any stuff there.

    House will be yours in future, thats y he is struggling hard to pay back EMI.

    I know as a newly married, even a very small unnatural behaviour of husband and in-laws are very hard to digest.

    But divorce is not an option for all these.

    He is a nice person, don't lose him bcos of TV.

    Please work on your intimacy issue. Fight with him for his intimacy problems. You have all rights to fight with him for it.
     
    emmypisquemmy and Newbee1 like this.
  5. SwatiSri

    SwatiSri Senior IL'ite

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    Relationships are never easy, Indian relationships have the added complication of PILs who often desire to control their sons, instead of encouraging intimacy to develop between partners. Having acknowledged that, I think the most important thing for you is to find financial independence again - being dependent on husband will only worsen things. As time passes with you being unemployed, it will get harder to get back into work, so you need to prioritize exploring every option to find a job in US. If you had a very good post and salary in India less than an year ago, it may not be so hard to quickly find a similar job in US. Having a job and financial independence will also give you respect at home. You would have peace of mind that if the worst happens, you would still be able to land on your feet. And your husband would be aware of this independence as well and accordingly adjust his behavior.
    As far as situation with husband is concerned, 10 months is a rather short time to understand anyone properly. It is really unfortunate that in India, often new wives are treated as "the other", and although the expectation from women is to fully assimilate & adjust according to husband's wishes and demands, many men don't think the responsibility to assimilate and adjust is completely and 100% mutual. Perhaps time and patience will change his behavior. I wonder if your husband had a past that you are unaware of, some old pain he is nursing. That could also explain his lack of desire and intimacy. Again, understanding this will take time.
    So, in the long run, whether you choose to stay or choose to leave, whether your husband is loving or detached, at the end of the day, you need to make sure that you have financial independence, your own projects and things to do in life, so you don't make your entire life around your husband. So focus on that above all.
    And practice patience and compassion in the mean time to make sure you don't leave any stone unturned to understand the situation yourself. You decided to get into an arranged marriage, I think it behooves you to give it the time and patience it deserves.
    All the best.
     
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  6. Newbee1

    Newbee1 New IL'ite

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    I dont know if the house will be ours. about the plans to settle in US, his company is applying for his GC plus just about few days ago he said after few years we will buy a big house here. So I think he has plans of staying here for atleast good 10 years.
    I didnt know the TV thing bothered him so much that he called me materialistic because of that.

    Last time I posted in this forum there were advice that I totally agreed to and hence followed but nothing seems to work for him.

    I feel he should spend money on his family or whatever but he should not deprive me of little things.
    I make sure that I get stuff from India so I wont have to ask him for anything cutting down expenses in every little thing. I feel hurt when I am told I am being selfish.
    Also about the intimacy issues,I confronted him many times but he avoids saying I am being too pushy or dominating.
    He does have not any interest in anything,does not even care for his erection issues. So when I try and find some solution he is like, I will work on my pace, no need to push me for this. he even said I treat him like a slave when I asked him to join gym. I actually had to push him because that was the only way it could have been done. He wont leave the house even on weekends.He works from home.
     
  7. Newbee1

    Newbee1 New IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot SwatiSri.
    I am waiting for EAD so I can start working here also studying for GRE.
    I really want to get on my feet asap but these visa problems.
    His lack of desire is due to low testosterone. so he doesnt do any activity/hangout/outing by himself. In order to to boost Testesterone doctor has advised gym workout,physical fitness, diet amongst other things. But then I have to nag him to go to gym , plan an outing. and it backfires on me that I am dominating him.
     
  8. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Silver IL'ite

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    why don't you threaten him about his intimacy issue?

    tell him that you will expose him to both families

    keep other problems aside for sometimes.. please
     
  9. SwatiSri

    SwatiSri Senior IL'ite

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    I see. So this is a real issue in a marriage - low testosterone is one thing but not wanting to do anything about it is a real problem. Now if you hear what you wrote, he has low testosterone and if you ask him to do something about it, he complains you are "dominating him". A rather apt response from someone who has low testosterone??!! If he wants to feel less dominated, he will have to do something to up his testosterone levels, won't he?!!
    Its possibly affecting many other things as well - such as his mood, his own parents' dominating behavior on him etc etc.
    Are you able to/ have you discussed this particular issue with someone in your own family - like your mother & father? An argument can be subjective - and your family may not understand because they may think all marriages need adjustment. But, low testosterone that is creating lack of desire & intimacy, but not wanting to do anything about it is a real issue and may be taken much more seriously by your parents, after all they want you to have a "satisfied married life"!! Is it possible someone else from your family such as your father might want to speak with him about it? It maybe somewhat embarrassing for your husband - but if your father has a man-to-man conversation and explains that this is an essential ingredient of a healthy marriage, your husband may listen?
     
  10. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    @DDream has given a great advice. I want to add even we didn't buy tv and bed . we r planning to buy on black Friday. I think there are EMI option to buy tv etc. So think about it. Black Friday is just a day ahead. But things at a better price, iam seeing online too. I came to USA 10 months back.
     

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