Should I stay separate from hubby after going back to India

Mitaraonew · Sep 29, 2015

Sorry for long post..

I am married for last 10years with 2 kids. Mine was arranged marriage .

During 1st year of marriage I realized that I and in laws can not get along, the expectations they have from their DIL are not matching to my personality at all .
I was brought up to be independent and here I was intervened, questioned and interferred in all small small issues..with all the time comparisons with SIL & her life.

But my husband was quite supportive to me so I somehow carried on keeping myself busy in job. In 2nd year of marriage itself my hubby took overseas opportunity and it was a big relief for me. I even quit my premium job without even second thought ....just to join him there and start our family life.

In the first 5 years after moving out of country even whenever in laws used to come on visit, with some misunderstanding, different lifestyles, each others habits, opinion differences with I holding job again, keeping maid at home after baby, all the small issues used to bring some negativity, arguments and disturbance losing peace of mind. My own home used to be suffocating for me. My FIL hates me to an extent he can not remain present in the room I am in.

So finally I decided to put full stop to their visits to live peacefully for last 3 years and put the condition to DH bring your parents only in my absence or else take leave and stay with them. My husband prefers to visit them occasionally and also takes kids for which I have never objected. I never visit my in laws place after a real bad argument with MIL.

Our relations (me n In laws) over a period of time are so strained that now they are damaged beyond repairs. We do not talk to each other at all. Of course it's affecting my relations with DH and I feel pity for him.
In this social media world now, every emotional message and fwd now sent to him makes him emotional and spoil my days.

With this struggle to sustain I am in deep depression and was also on medication for some time. Staying overseas no one to talk openly and do not want to bother my parents makes me suffocated.

Thoughts come in that I did mistake marrying this guy; may be his image for wife and his parents image from DIL were totally different. But this has made my world upside down. Leaving my parents my identity my job everything I moved away with him to make a home and in his world I feel I am a total stranger. Our world is only there because of kids now.

His parents are aging now and they kept sending messages how they and SIL (married stays near to them) miss him and the kids. But at the same time keep sending fwd messages and poems that how a woman badly changes man after marriage that he forgets that he is son/ brother.

My parents are also aging,and I don't have brother. I also think of staying with them and let my husband stay with his parents for old age support. Of course kids responsibility we have to divide between week-day week-end...but this situation will be as good as divorce. I know I am thinking of extremities in unstable mental conditions. but now I feel I can go to an extent of leaving my DH to avoid staying with his parents.

Neither I want to be labelled of separating anyone's son and grand-kids from them nor have any plans send anyone at old age home.
but I also want to have my peace of mind and do my duties as daughter.

Some of you may be asking what about my duty as DIL? sorry I have full respect for his parents but can not stay with someone who doesn't have any value of me in their life and look at me as their free maid to serve in old age.

I have lost faith in these statements that DIL is like daughter and in laws are like parents.

we all stay in the same city back home and I also have bought flat in my name with my earnings near my parents area.

Please suggest me if you can what is the best I can do in this situation. Again Sorry for long post.. but I just can not get over it.

kanthtx · Sep 29, 2015

how is ur H with ur parents.. does he also think that being a SIL is to get gifts and have no resp towards them... does he also treat them badly or has the same perspective?

If the issue is just ILs then u r already seperated from them... so nothing to worry about emotional blackmail...

rather if it is genuinely about not loving ur H, not because of this issue, but at a deeper level having no love, then may be u shud try marraige counselling and figure things out...

u definitely cannot make a decision like that on recommendations in IL without pursuing reconciliation.... so try marraige counselling and see if that can help u decide... good luck...

catwalk · Sep 29, 2015

It is always better to live together. Especially when the children are young, they need the attention, care and love from both parents. Money cannot replace that. So what you did so far is correct in my opinion. No need to regret about it.

We all are born and brought up in different families, environment and has different
character. So if you can't get along with the In laws, that's OK. Though it is not an ideal situation. Instead of cutting off completely from your laws, you can stay at a distance without restricting your DH and kids from interacting with them. You don't have to listen or get involve in their comments / communications. Your DH seems to be a matured / level headed person.

Once the kids are in school, you may think of resuming your profession. Have an open discussion with the DH and make a Roadmap. You can look for a job in the same city where DH works. Hire part time maids to look after the kids, when your are not around.

Have regular communication with your parents.

gauridinesh · Sep 29, 2015

If you are thinking of joining your in-laws again because you dont want a "label" of bad DIL, dont. Even if you did seva for them and was a slave to their wishes, you would still be the bad DIL who separated their son.

But considering the thought process that you have - you have two options:
Option 1: Reutrn to India:
In that case you need to make sure that you do the following-
1) Dont stay in teh same house as them. Tell your DH that you are ok to take an apartment next to the theirs . Or the same locality. If it is too costly, Look for an apartment in another neighbourhood that offers this. This way, you have your house and they have theirs.
2) Get back into a job. If you are away for 8 hours a day, you have only 4 or 5 hours left for their politics - out of which kids school and homework and house work will consume most of . Go back ONLY after you have assured a job for yourself.

Option 2:
Dont budge. Remain where you are . They have brought this upon themselves by not respecting you. They forgot that the daughter in law is the gateway to their son and grandkids and that if they dont respect her, then they dont get to say that "my son doesnt take care of me". Ignore the emotional blackmail and live your life as it is now.

sunshine1970 · Sep 29, 2015

I would say take this time to really bond with your DH, create a lovely atmosphere at home and enjoy your life. If your DH agreed not to bring your IL for past 3 years then chances are he will listen to live as a nuclear family in India. I would tell him when the time comes, this is where my children and I will be living and hopefully that includes you too, if he wishes to abandon his family that is up to him, but you don't live separate from your kids, that would be hard on you. Tell him live separate from IL and I will take care of my parents and you take care of yours. But you really need to make sure your relationship is really strong if and when you move back to India.

Mitaraonew · Sep 30, 2015

Thank your for the support ladies, feels good and positive about myself. I am certainly thinking of option of marriage counselling as well, but the posts are giving me direction to think from positive perspective.

Mitaraonew · Sep 30, 2015

Yesterday, 07:21 AM
kanthtx :

DH never interacted much with my parents, although had good rapo with my mom earlier. The relations between my Dad and DH were strictly formal in fact DH prefers to stay away as my dad saying he is strict and aggressive, so he is not comfortable.

After strained relations between me and ILs, he has followed same Tit for Tat approach and hardly interacts with my parents and siblings. But if taken initiative he tries to be normal

catwalk · Sep 30, 2015

Mitaraonew
Do not force your DH to interact with your parents and siblings. It could escalate the friction at this stage. As you said, he may have taken Tit and Tat approach to counter your spoiled relationship with the IL's. As you said marriage counselling with an experienced clinical psychologist might be helpful to identify the issues and find amicable solutions.

Tolerance is a big factor in any relationship. More tolerance means more happiness. Let go our ego whenever we can. Give in even if we are right. Be humble even if we are very powerful. Be contented even if we are rich.

Mitaraonew · Sep 30, 2015

its so damn difficult to follow this ideal approach all the time dear catwalk... I am human and do make mistakes also understand the other party can do as well ..it's just that at some point of time when it's just too much and taken for granted one cant tolerate...cant act for a long what your are actually not.....at the blast happens :bonk

Still I will try to follow as you said...