1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Should I React?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by parvathi1980, Mar 3, 2019.

  1. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,137
    Likes Received:
    1,304
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Sometime back my father expired. Just before taking him for cremation close family members were to put flowers on his body. I was there holding a small garland in my hand. My uncle who had control of the whole scene snatched it from me and gave it to someone else. It is bothering Me. He let my sister put flowers so the issue is not about being the daughter. Should I react? I can only do so through email as I live in a different country. Would it be an overreaction?
     
    Loading...

  2. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    614
    Likes Received:
    1,046
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    You can just ask him politely that why you did this as this is bothering me a lot and I do not want to judge your action without knowing the truth.
     
    parvathi1980 likes this.
  3. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,922
    Likes Received:
    9,162
    Trophy Points:
    460
    Gender:
    Female
    @parvathi1980 ,

    His action may not have been intentional. Forgive and let go of your hurt, if possible. If not, communicate with him and express your hurt; it may help to bring a closure but be aware that it may create a rift too.
     
    cheenu123, Amica and parvathi1980 like this.
  4. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,647
    Likes Received:
    1,985
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Did you have any issues with ur uncle or your dad before??.it was rude of him anyways. Sorry you had to go through this.
     
    parvathi1980 likes this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,291
    Likes Received:
    22,808
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    What would your father have advised you to do? Can you make a reasonable guess?

    Now, no. What happens at times like funerals, weddings, birthdays, and other family get-together's is better hashed out then itself or soon after the event.

    Such things are better done in a verbal conversation. For many reasons, the biggest being the "forward" feature. Shudder.

    Generally speaking, yes. But, if it is bothering you so much, you could just tell the Uncle about it as a matter of fact. Do it without direct blame. In your words, include a way out for him. Maybe something like, "I was remembering childhood days, and this, that... Also, remembered Dad's funeral. A small thing bothering me. I was about to put flowers... and what I remember is, you took the flowers from me. I didn't understand why as so much was going on. Do you happen to remember? was it because the other person was asking for it?..."
     
    parvathi1980 likes this.
  6. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,137
    Likes Received:
    1,304
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you everyone! You all are right. Talking to him would definitely damage relations. I wanted to talk to him but he left the city a day after the funeral. I don't think he met my mom after the funeral. He did not do it by mistake. Of that I am sure. I was holding the flower and then he held it tightly in his hand and did not let me place it. Finally he snatched it and gave it to another uncle.

    My relation with him? He is my mother's brother. My relatives for some reason unknown to me do not like me. I got married more than a decade ago and for the last couple of years they have been ignoring me.

    In fact when my dad fell really ill I called up my uncle's. They came and one actually told my sister that they did not think that i would call. There is a lot of negative propaganda about me. I think my sister has a role in it. Maybe my parents as well. As much as I love my father I feel very hurt when I think of the way they never supported me. There is a lot I can write here but will leave it for now.
     
  7. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    256
    Likes Received:
    486
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    You father is always there with spiritually and protecting and sending his love from beyond. These petty people are not worth your time and energy

    Putting flowers or not putting flowers is not going to matter to your dad, u are always his daughter and his spirit will always love u and care for u from the behond.


    Just ignore and leave it. These people are doing intentionally and not going to apologize or change. Just accept their pettiness and move on dear
     
    parvathi1980 and NeetaR like this.
  8. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,137
    Likes Received:
    1,304
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I thought maybe I will get some closure if I confront him. Not sure of that though. It could also turn ugly. I doubt he will accept his mistake. Not the sort of person to do that. So I simply need to live with it.
     
    senorita2019 likes this.
  9. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    351
    Likes Received:
    359
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    You are angry and you want to confront him. Only you can bring closure to yourself. Your father is gone, nothing really matters. You don't "simply need to live with it"; there are lot of things in your life needs focus.Let go and live your life to the fullest. Let your father's soul rest in peace.
     
    parvathi1980 likes this.
  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,667
    Likes Received:
    2,965
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    @parvathi1980,

    Sorry to hear about your dad. Somehow events surrounding birth, death and marriage become imprinted on our minds so I am not surprised this incident is still bothering you. Your uncle was very wrong on imposing his views on you like that.

    What can you do? Well parvathi as we grow older we get somehow more and more time to recollect these kind of instances so I don’t think just leaving it and allowing the memory to fester is the right way to go. These relatives are your people and while when we are younger with kids in the house we are busy enough to tell ourselves that we don’t care and decide to let it go. But life is longer much longer than what you and I think at the time. As we grow older and kids grow up and leave then we start hankering for the same extended family bonds and wonder what happened where did they all go etc.

    Since this is bothering you the place to start is to mend your relationship with these cousins and extended family. Reach out to them whenever an opportunity or occasion presents itself. And most important if you encounter some rumors about you, contradict politely and firmly and tell them the truth. Don’t get into the whys and wherefores, the history and who all is spreading, their motives etc. Just state the facts and contradict firmly and calmly. ‘No that is not true.’ ‘You are mistaken.’ If they try to dig further and insist x told me so, y was there, tell them calmly - ‘I don’t know who all told you what or why but you need to ask them about it not me.’

    Start reaching out and mend your relationships with them instead of just giving up, telling yourself to leave it etc. That is a mistake you are making. When confronted by lies if you don’t bother to correct because you have given up then you are confirming the lie. Look at it this way. At least that person didn’t believe the lie about you straight off and came to you to confirm right? So tell clearly what is truth.

    As for your uncle you should definitely call him up and tell him off. Forget what he will and will not do. Forget if it is no use. At least you will have the satisfaction that you tried to correct the record. That is more important for your peace of mind. And btw if there was so much push pull with the garland it must have been noticed and your passive acceptance of the same will also be noted as further evidence of your guilt- both by him and by whoever was there. So change this policy of ‘letting it go’ henceforth. I feel it is being totally misinterpreted as ‘She just doesn’t care’.
     
    parvathi1980 likes this.

Share This Page