Should I give him another chance? - Big Post - Its 6 years of my life

In your initial post you have described yourself as optimistic, practical, career oriented and independent individual. With this background you think and decide what are the basic needs of a good marriage.

1) both need to trust each other

2) both need to care for each other

3) the couple should feel that in the circle of influence, the spouse first, the child next and the extended family.

Your husband has not demonstrated any of this qualities. A good man would never allow anyone to question the paternity of his own child even if it is his own parents. A good man will not let his child to be away from him for this long.

You are wrong in putting conditions like he needs to get his sister married before accepting him back. That is tacit acceptance that your marriage depends on his sister and parents. A marriage should stand on its own for the love each spouse has for the other. It should be unconditional.

If i were you I will ask him the following questions before even considering to accept him back:

1) Will he defend and protect his wife and son for the rest of his life?

2) Is he determined to live with his wife and son always?

3) is he willing to change himself to become different person whether with or without medical help.

If he does not answer any of this, he is not worth living with. I am sorry if my candid response hurts you in anyway.

 

Another important thing. Don't allow other logistics to affect you decision. You make the decision first and then face whatever is the outcome.

 

About cutting off from his side of family... it need not be a permanent thing. But when you talk to your husband do put forth this condition; though inside you know its not practical. May be 3 to 5 years of abstinance will do good to both you and your ILs. Use this cut off period to get close to your husband. Not everyone will have the capabilities of communicating openly the way we do especially the workiing women...so try other methods of getting to know what is grinding in his mind.

If I were you I would still give another chance to him and try to bring in some changes in him slowly but steadyly.. may be taking one baby step at a time.

Also, before deciding either ways.. have you thought whether ILs are really the problem or something external which probably you are not even aware of... It may so happen that you have been thinking its your ILs and something else is cooking up in him life outside... you know what I mean... just think on those lines as well...may be he is in deep trouble else where and not able to talk about it to you./

 

Dear,
I am sorry about your situation. But I know that you are ready for both type of decisions. That's a great open mind.

Firstly, speak with him alone. Tell him that you cant take SIL's and MIL's interference anymore if you were to be together with him. Make it clear that you will just not take anymore insults like him not complying to live like a normal husband. Like, he should nit walk out suddenly leaving you, or not eating what you cook etc. For all these sorts of abnormal behaviours, say that you cannot stand any more and that you are already more than fed up.

Make it very clear to him that this is the one last chance if he agrees to your conditions and that he should not influence you with your MIL and SILs decisions on any matter. Tell him that you are not their slave. And that you are also born to parents who want their daughter to lead a happy married life.

If he agrees to your terms, take him in else reject him and proceed with your life.

Regards,
Tinku

 

You need to have a serious discussion bout this with ur DH and ur parents who are supporting you now... Make the points to be very clear and sort out all the issues.. If he agrees to be bold and courage enough to support you when ur IL's behave in a weird manner. You just cannot patch up with him if he remains the same.. There is no use... Please live together only if there are changes in him.. try making him understan what all you went through make it a point he listens to your talk...

 

you should speak with you H first and put conditions as tinku said. he cant do similar and take you for granted. and by the way, how come he dint come for 18 months? is it pressure of you moving to India and people talk about it kindled or he really feels that he has done bad.. Did he admit whatever he did is not a normal committed person wil do? If he doesnt admit, I woudl better say NO to the relationship again. I respect your decision not to take decisions in haste. and on onething, about paretns -- you cant force anyone to get married. but you can make them stay away from your life. if he wants you, he has to be away from them. financial help is ok. but not more... better say that you will not attend any functions organized by them. Give a try !! IF not, you are an optimistic person - you will have a better LIFE

 

You asked a question so i am replying you.
Its a big NO from my side...I am sorry dear for being do curt,but dont you think if you really wanted to give him a chance..you wont be asking us here...
So a BIG NO NO NO...GO back to India and have a life with your son...

 

Do you believe he will be there for you and your kid? If your inner voice says 'Yes' then give him another chance, if 'No' then move on.

 

Dear Pranibaby

My heart goes for you. If I was in your place I won't fall into same trap again n again. No culture allow women abuse or exploitation. Some men hide their parents faults behind culture, tradition blah blah....He has already spoiled precious 6 years of you life. Don't let him spoil any more if you have alredy moved on.......Go with your instincts.....Good luck to you!!