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Should I give him another chance? - Big Post - Its 6 years of my life

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by pranibaby, Dec 23, 2011.

  1. pranibaby

    pranibaby New IL'ite

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    I am a newly registered member of Indus Ladies. I have been reading IL forum posts for a few years now.

    About me:
    I am an optimistic, practical and Career Oriented-independent women. I make my own decisions. My parents trust me and support me in my way of life. I left my parents house when I was 16 years old and since then have been independent. I have fair knowledge of cooking and taking care of my home and job.

    The problem:
    My married life has been the most difficult one and I am not sure why?!!! I married a guy whom My parents chose.I talked to him and connected to him for a few months before marriage. He told me that my independence and forward thinking attitude is what he liked about me. My husband is a good individual but he is not a pro-active person. He understands everything but always runs away from any issue(i mean literally!!.. he just walks out)

    The root cause of issues in my marriage is my SIL(husband's elder sister). She is 35+ and unmarried. her mother rejects every marriage proposal. She is looking for a guy who is rich, has high paying job, non-orthrodox family, does not ask to cook or clean, does not have parents or sisters to order her..etc... Obviously she is not married. My In Laws oK'ed our marriage
    Suddenly after marriage, My SIL seems to have problem with anything and everything I speak, even if it is as simple as " i am making tea for my self, would you like to have a cup also" - She finds this offending - Not only that she create a scene and opens her hair and sits in a corner of a room and starts crying.. does not eat or drink anything and threatens suicide

    Then everybody in the house including my DH tries to convince her that they will tell me to behave....[​IMG] I am at my wits end.. anyway I thought it was not for long because my husband stays in US and I won't be living with them any way.. I did talk about this to my husband and he chose to walk away from my question

    The first time:
    We had a quite life in US ..Fast forward 6 months from then .. My IL's including the SIL arrived in US. They seem to have problems with everything.. including the color of sofa to the pots and pans in the kitchen.. they kept on saying something or the other everyday.. I kept quite.. my DH would occasionally hear it and Walk away.. there was more distance between us now.. DH would not even look into my eye and speak. Sensing his discomfort .. I did not talk about it.
    After IL's left.. My husband one day Packed his suitcase and said he wanted a divorce... He lived separately for 2 months. Our friends talked to us separately and then together.. First DH apologized for his behavior .. I told them my part of the problem including the behavior of IL's. He just listened and did not comment. DH returned and that's all.. it was abrupt.I was optimistic that he would take care of the problem himself and slowly it would be better


    The second time :
    Things were not as normal as before .. we were hiding our discomfort behind our jobs and friends.One day I heard my MIL telling my husband that I cannot have kids as my elder sister does not have kids even after 8 years of marriage. he saw that i heard it and we did not talk about it. after a few months I visited my IL"s house. They had planned to do some puja the very second day after I arrived, but I could not participate as I was having my period(My MIL did not ask me this - we were not talking since my husband left the first time). MY MIL created a big Scene in front of all the relative (only theirs.. my parents were not invited and I am glad about it).. She said I was a Bad Omen - and I was the reason her daughter was not getting suitable groom and that we sisters (me , my elder sister) doom any house that we go to ..and I cannot have kids. SIL added fuel to fire ..she apologized to my DS and said they(SIL and IL) have ruined his life by getting him married to me and he should divorce me ..It was too much for me .. I Cried ..!!.. My husband did not talk to me .. I survived this for 4 days and went to my parents house as per our plan. After that, As per my schedule I left for US. (My husband was to come later .. he had some office work in another city in india)

    This time he came back and did not eat anything I cooked. he would only eat outside..Not sleep on same bed..He did not talk to me either. This went on
    for 4-5 months. meanwhile back home, IL's and SIL went to my parents house and accused them of being "Sinner" - " Not having a Son" and that His son would divorce me.. My parents told me on the phone. I was angry again.. it took a few days for me to become calm down and I decided that I am going to speak to DH.. I talked to him one day..He walked out .. Did not come home for days... I got a call from his friend's house that he was sick.

    I brought him home, I did take care of him .. after that things seem to become normal and we were Ok( not great!!) just the way we were before. Frankly speaking I was afraid to discuss anything.. [​IMG]


    The Third time:
    Soon I found out I was pregnanat. I had a baby boy and my parents were with us for 3 months. DH behaved normal with them not too attached.

    Then again .. My IL's and SIL came. the day they came and saw my son..FIL said DS is not DH's Child at all(you know .. what i mean!!).. I was inside the bathroom washing some clothes listening to their talk ..They were back tracking the dates/months when he left and also said that DS does not look like DH(my son looks like me!!...). I heard this .. I cannot express what i felt..DH did not have the courage to say " HE IS MY CHILD AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK"

    It was Deja -Vu again, Their behavior did not change .. This time i spent most of the time with my Son.. I ignored everything else. It was like I had become a zombie. My Job, my son and Myself.. that was my world. I put my son in daycare. Needless to say.. how angry I was with DH.. I did not walk out of the house(Today i think I should have!!). My son was nearing 12 months and I wanted to do the mundan ..

    I told DH and he said he will talk to his Parents.My Son was born with lot of hair on his head. and he would get cold often because of the head bath. One day DS said that they will do the mundan in the 3rd year or it would bring some "bad effect" if done before!! By then DS would have turned Hippie.. And they also said they did not like the name of my child ( I chose the name..DS agreed) and wanted to change it legally

    This time I said .. ENOUGH.. I went to my parents house(my parents know every thing about us) and got DS mundan done in a temple.I invited everybody.. IL's and DH did not attend. I was so done.. I was fed up.. I Just knew I cannot live like this... I was ready for any consequence..

    Again .. It happened.. My husband called Divorce .. Walked out.This time I told him we can go ahead and file a divorce. I agreed for mutual. He did not talk to me about it again . I don't know, but this time it did not matter. Somehow I was mentally prepared.I moved to a smaller house and continued my Job, My Son and Myself.. It just felt normal now. I stopped all contact with DH and Occasionally Our Common friends would tell me about him.. I told them specifically that I am not interested. I also avoided a few friends who were close to him, I don't know this time Our friends did not suggest we patch-up. A friend who is more closer to me said.. it is not worth trying..

    Life was tough- I had a job, a 15 month old baby and was alone without family. My parents have somehow accepted that divorce was better for me. They suggested I move to India so that they can help me with DS. I was having the same idea.DS has to start School.After sometime I visted India, Found a job and returned to US for one last time to wind up everything. DS was in India with my parents. AND ..DH, rung the door bell one day. he was totally out of my Mind.. it was 18 months since I had seen him. For a moment, I did not recognize him..Then it all came back.

    he said he wanted to talk and I should consider talking for the sake of the child ( I did not want to talk.. he left the child and me alone ..Still..)
    This time I said.. I want to hear from you.. I am not making any conclusions or decisions.. First ..he apologized for his behavior .. Again.. and said he wanted to come back.i asked him why did he leave in the very first place..he kept quite. He says I should forget the past. I am ok with it..But In reality they bring it back all the time.. I want my DH to find a permanent solution to this problem..In whatever way I try to explain this to him he does not seem to understand my thoughts or is just trying to avoid this.

    I have a strong feeling that its over.. No friends seem to be talking anymore about this and I am leaving for India in 4 weeks for good.I have set everything up for my future.

    he is still not talking anything about his parents/SIL's behavior towards me.. ?? He never talks anything about them to anybody. What should I do??? Should I give him another chance ?? the strength that kept me going all these days .. Says "NO" .. But..I have to make a decision..Please help
     
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  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Pranibaby,

    Welcome to IL.

    Coming to your question, there seems to be some issue with your husband. You say he is not willing to talk about anything or discuss anything. He has a problem facing up to problems.

    The question is how long are you willing to go on a roller-coaster ride? What effect is this going to have on your kid?

    Firstly discuss it with your parents, since they are standing by you and supportive. But under any circumstances, you have to make it very clear to him that even if you are willing to take him back, it will be only after he discusses the reasons for his past behaviour. He has to make it clear why he wants to come back now. Silence is not acceptable. If he has any half decent explanation, you will need to get him to commit in writing that this behaviour will not be repeated. And make some financial arrangements to ensure that he will stick to his word.

    If he is still not willing to discuss or give you a written commitment, then I think you should move on with your life. The one problem I can foresee in this is if he goes to court for custody of the kid or to prevent you from taking the kid out of the country. You will need to have some evidence of his past behaviour if you need to preempt any such attempt on his part.
     
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  3. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Two way communication is key to any relationship. Your dh has problem with expressing his thoughts. He is grown up adult. He can't run away with every problem. It seems you have already moved on with you life. You can't go on back and forth with same problems. Please follow above advise carefully. He needs psychiatrists treatment and counselling. If at all you want to take him back in your life make him change his attitude.....I wish you good luck
     
  4. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    your DH is a momma's boy.Tomorrow if your IL's again poison your DH mind then surely he will again walk away.So before accepting his request tell him to cut off his ties with his parents or start to behave like a man and support you in front of IL's also.Tell him clearly how you would like him to behave as a husband and as a father.If he accepts to your conditions then probably think about giving another chance.
     
  5. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Pranibaby, Marriage takes 2 people to make. And only one person to break.Here it is your husband. He is not non communicative or anything as such. But he is just plain cold towards you. Your SIL is lashing out at you becoz she is frustrated she is not married.Her parents shdu have long back told her she cant get a made to order husband and put some sense in her head.

    Your in laws are monsters.In laws and husbands never seem to realize they are ruining their son's and their own lives doing what they do. But then they never have the voice of reason.Your husband saying to forget the past is okay. But is he making any promises for the future or talking about why he left. If he is continuing the same cold behaviour as you already guessed he is then its not worth it.Did you ask him what is the reason for him coming back.Your in laws are secondary to the problem. The only solution is your husband shud completely transform himself. If you are not sure, then dont go back.You are a very sensible woman with a good head on her shoulders. What does your heart and mind say?Think on those lines. Good Luck.
     
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  6. vanisriv

    vanisriv Silver IL'ite

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    >> FIL said DS is not DH's Child at all(you know .. what i mean!!).. ..DH did not have the courage to say " HE IS MY CHILD AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK"

    If I were you, I would have walked out just for this. If Husband does not have the guts to speak up against this accusation, he is totally not worth it. Don't put your child through this trauma. I think you are better off setting an example for him by yourself..
     
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  7. pranibaby

    pranibaby New IL'ite

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    Thanks Satchi and everybody, Kid is already in India and DH and I are both Indian citizens. We have not shared the same address for past 1 and half year. I don't think he has filed a divorce in India yet. Can he still put a kidnapping case against me?

    Also, on the financial arrangements and written commitment. I was thinking the same thing.. but I am not sure if this will work. he might end up with an unhappy life and we will be forced to live with it.

    I believe the ideal solution is that, he needs to be compelled to face the problem and solve it. (sounds bad ..but its needed) . I was thinking of putting forth a condition that he can return(or atleast talk about return) after he and his family gets his sister married - she is like 35+.. it is difficult now..but still doable. If he returns without it... we may be forced to live a life where we cannot vent out our anger..and his family's behavior will not change. And , also- I don't believe in asking him to leave his parents - First , it does not work in long term. and Second, its very uncomfortable telling somebody to do something, I won't do unto myself.(Please don't laugh.. I'll just hate myself if I say something like this)

    I don't want to jump to a deal right away .. only to regret later (its happened so many times). I want this to conclude .. either way.. What do you think. Is it right? Should I put forth this condition after I make him talk about his behavior?
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2011
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  8. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Pranibaby,

    He cannot file a kidnapping case against you as you have already informed him of your decision to move to India. If you want to have a proof that he knows, drop him an email saying that you have decided to move back to India with your son. But there are some lawyers who will advice to file a case just to inconvenience the other party. Eventually the case will be thrown out but till the judegement is given you will have to attend hearings.

    Regarding staying with him, he is simply not worth you and your son. Your in-laws said things like your son is not his and he kept quiet!! This proves that they can say or do anything and get away with it. If you are inviting him back into your life, such things are bound to repeat again, no matter what he promises. People's nature doesnt change.

    Now your son is a little boy and he cannot understand what is happening. What if you reconcile with your husband and these things start happening again? Your in-laws ill treating you, your SIL making big fuss.. think about the impact on him. They will not only ill treat you but also your son as well. Can you face all this? Do you have the strength to fight such behavior at every occasion?
     
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  9. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Pranibaby,

     
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  10. vidhya81

    vidhya81 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Friend,

    Listen to your gut feeling. your insticts will guide you in such important situations than any of us here.My salutes to you for your guts. In your stage more women would not have shown this courage.My only suggestion would be if you could stay longer in US and earn more money for few more years(may be you can ask for your mothers support to come and stay there with you). All i am trying to say is money will provide you with more confidence to make tougher desicions in life instead of adjusting for the unnecessary.My salutes to your courage.

    Warm Regards
    Vidhya
     

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