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should i forgive my FIL?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by coolgal123, Feb 22, 2013.

  1. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    I am married for 6 yrs and having one daughter. I am also having same problems in life which many indian DILs are facing.Which are nasty remarks, treatment like a maid/slave, false criticism...Husband is of no use at such times. once i used to think about nasty remarks of my MIL/SIL/FIL for many days and use to peace of mind and life but now sometimes i reply back and sometimes i ignore. In most of the familys FILs are relief but for me all MIL/FIL/3 SILs all are perfroming same job that is shooting arrows at me. But I have learnt to live with that as My husband has started supporting me a little and mentally i detached myself from my in laws. Me n My in laws live in different city...but in around 3 months they come to live with us. So Also it is little relaxing that i dont have to bear them all the time.
    But i guess now I am at ease and enjoy life even after their ulti seedhi harkatein so they are not able to bear my happiness. I want to tell here that my MIL is biggest lier i have ever seen. she tells white lies on your face even which she knows tht everybody knows abt it. And she started feeding my FIL against me because now my husband doesnt listen to her teachings. many a times i heard her telling lies about me to my FIL. My FIL is another MIL for me. and my MIL has turned him against me. So now he always try to find fault with me and always try to insult me but not in front of my husband. he does it always at the back of my husband. I was fine even with this and dealing with him somehow.
    Here comes the real problem.
    This Diwali we went to our In laws place to celebrate diwali...MIL/SIL/FIL as usual gave their nasty remarks time to time...but it was fine i beared although i got hurt but it was ok.
    Then on bhaiya dooj my brother came to my in lwas place for Tika. My in laws never got happy whenever somebody comes from my parents house. I didnt want my bro to come but i was not able to stop him directly. i ignore everything whatever behaviour they shown towards my brother when he came. But when I was serving food to guests (to my brother, to my 3 SIL's husbands), I started serving the food in steel plates, while my FIL wanted to serve in disposable plates (which were very ghaiya and very lgiht and some would not be able to hold it with so much of food). At that time infront of everybody he started shouted at me- what is this f***, tum har waqt yahi karti rahti ho...kaun dhoega ye bartan (utensils)...i felt so shocked at the shouting and usage of words,i just left from the there. My husband was not at home at that time, but when he came i told him i want to leave immediately and want to go to our home...My husband supported me this time and he told his parents that everytime if you will do like this with her then certainly at a point she will be fed up. My FIL denies everything and said that i didnt say anything to her...and he blamed me that i am doing this because i want to take away his son...Me n my husband left from there ...after that I am not talking with my in laws...although my husband is calling them and which i dont want to stop as i feel as a son he has responsibilty towards them. But am I reacting too much to this incident?I felt bad as in my family i have never seen anything like this...women were respected....my father was so protective about women...even he never let our elder bro scolded us. He never raised a voice on my mother.
    Now shouting of my FIL, using the dirty word that too infront of whole family...I felt like abused.

    I dont know if forget this incident also like others incident and i patch up with my In Laws. As I feel that being an only son my husband has his responsibilty towards his parents and i dont want create problem in his realtionship with his parents. I want your opinion ladies.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2013
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  2. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Coolgal123, we seem to be married in such a similar family.
    Dear lady.. if you've married to the ONLY son of this family... I believe you don't even possess the right to FORGIVE anyone... of those multiple MILs in this house.

    Now that I've started thinking from my inlaws thought pattern... probably they'll be contemplating on how to Forgive you for inviting your brother & not using disposable plates:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl.

    On a serious note:
    I have many such instances.... there's no room for forgive or forget but to remember that when he or others get OLD what basic ettiquates they deserve from us. Play safe and pose a Nice face.
     
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  3. sweetshreya

    sweetshreya IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't forgive, don't forget. And never let them forget that you have neither forgiven nor forgotten........
     
  4. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Shilpa,

    You are right that nobody from my in laws is asking me to forgive n forget :)... infact they must be angry with me for creating a scene for nothing(as per them). but still they are little serious this time as my husband is with me this time...

    I was meant that should i forgive them inside my heart and start talking to them as before... as i dont want to talk to them anymore...this time i feel they have crossed their limit... now i think what is left... only beating? should i wait for that? and may be if i didnt leave the place and continued sevring in steel plates...beating may happen too...I seriously feel that if i have borne that thing too silently it may become a routine..i.e .shouting in a very bad manner in front of everybody...
    My problem is i dont want to keep relations with them but doesnt want my husband to break relations with them...I sound like confused which I really am.
     
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  5. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    No one has any right to abuse any one with filthy words, your FIL has taken u for granted thinking as usual u will let it go with out making an issue, u have served him right, ignoring such issues will be an added advantage for your in laws who will never make an attempt to mend their ways . The more you seem to be happy the more they are sad, this kind of sadistic behavior is never going to change, u are little lucky atleast your DH is bit supportive, dont give in easily... let them feel sorry for their behavior until then totaly ignore them and enjoy your life.
     
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  6. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi dear,

    Your FIL's behaviour is abominable. As sweetshreya says, neither forgive nor forget. As long as your DH doesn't seem to be bothered by it, you don't need to be in touch with them. In case you have to go to their house, remain aloof. As if, you are in a stranger's house. If the FIL ever raises his voice again, just raise your head - important to not feel ashamed; it is he who should be ashamed of his behaviour - look him in the eye and calmly say, "Stop shouting at me." Repeat the same thing calmly without raising your voice or taking a word he is saying into account. Then if he doesn't stop, keep your head high and leave the room.

    It is important to hold your head high, look disgusted(instead of ashamed) and continue doing what you were doing - as long as it is for yourself/ your family. In the sense, if he says use disposable, give it to him but you use the normal plate for yourself/ your DH/ your family. If he says "Starve me without giving food", follow that to the word; don't give him annnnything to eat. If he says "You starve", don't pay annny attention. Use his words to your advantage or ignore them without any argument from your side.

    Applause to your DH for finally standing up for you! Since your DH is already on your side in this issue, make sure you keep him on your side by being civil with his parents when the need arises especially in front on your DH.

    Good luck sweetheart

    Hugs,
    G
     
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  7. charulatha123

    charulatha123 New IL'ite

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    Hi
    GOd has given you this oppurtunity, because of this reason (FIL SHOUting)u can stop going to ur ILs House, If they come to ur place u just ignore them,See FIL and MIL can not become our Father and mother, Whatever u do they just blame u ur behind, I lives in Joint family With FIL , MIL, 3 SILs , I am not close to them at all, I do job thats y i do only cooking i the evening and i just cook and go to my room , they serve them selfs , Morning and after noon they use to cook, I take care of my Husband and myself, U love more and more ur husband and be happy, for this reason they blame me my behind but i just dont care. k just be happy.
     
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  8. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    hi guesshoo,
    you rightly said i felt ashamed while i should have not. and regarding disposable plates i just thought it cant have 3-4 dishes with right quantity inside it. i thought what would their son in law( SIL's husband) and my bro will think? i dont give importance to me or my hubby in my in laws house. we can even eat on leaves also as far as we are getting food in our in laws house :)....many a times i go without eating in my in laws house so eating in disposable is no issue at all for me.
    and thts wht pinched me more that for just a small issue he is insulting me infront of everybody and saying so bad words to me...while in this issue i have no benefit or interest of me...
    later on i realize what i have to do with what others will think about my in laws house? i should have served in disposable plates only. or may be i should not have served at all...
     
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  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Coolgal, I don't want to scare you... but such attempts of your H supporting you in front of his parents can have 2 implications :

    1) Your inlaws don't degrade you (I see lower possibility if this is not an inherent behaviour of a person).
    2) They turning your H against you (something that generally happens when EGO of such inlaws is hurt bigtime).

    I've suffered the 2nd phase..... and now have isolated his reactions from mine... by simply not informing him on whats on my mind........... and I simply avoid any close encounters with these crazy characters.
     
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  10. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Shilpa,

    1) Your inlaws don't degrade you (I see lower possibility if this is not an inherent behaviour of a person) - even i am sure after this they will hate me even more, but still i think that they will think twice before doing it. Because doing the same twice means cutting off the relations with us (my husband n me if my husband will support me next time also :)). and i am sure if my husband didnt support me then they wouldnt have cared a bit....

    2) They turning your H against you (something that generally happens when EGO of such inlaws is hurt bigtime)..certainly their ego is hurt but i think after 6 yrs of marriage i trust my husband that he will not go at least againest me or i may be wrong but thts wht i feel. he may not be supportive all the time and i know just to make peace he can try to scare me by going against me...but i know in his heart he knows his parents are wrong and i dont make issues out of nothing... + even if he goes against me i cant compromise with my self respect for anything.

    sometimes i feel what wrong i have done to deserve such behaviour and such life where i am forced to hear nasty things for no reasons and i get only one anwer : I married :)....

    sometime I even think that i should divorce my husband as i dont want to connect with these mean people in anyway.but having a daughter its not practical specailly when i know my husband cares for me and above all he is really a good guy...he is also a victim of all this in a different manner.
     
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