Should Dils Keep Guilting Themselves Forever?

True ! Sun can burst some bubbles , with a lot of enthusiasm

 

I am actually very much like you. I have had "no talking days " for months with my in Laws so don't worry you are not alone . If it's of any comfort to you , l have had my fair share of issues with my ILs and the memories of those will last me an entire lifetime . Over the years , things have healed and I have wisened up more so. Sometimes when I look back , I think maybe I should have reacted to those situations differently so things could have been under control . Good thing is we don't meet frequently and over the years of living alone here, I got enough time to heal and let go. We all have grown up so how we react to a situation now may be entirely different than how we reacted in the past. My dad always says "aadmi taarif or pyar yeh dono ka bhuka hota Hai". And we all know how much taarif we get from our ILs . Criticism are bound to happen and no matter what we do, we will never get the credit for whatever we do and it's better to accept this fact and make peace with it . Truth to be told, I still get jittery when my in laws come to visit us but I have found ways to handle issues so it's better though not perfect .

2 things here

1) If you are keen on inviting them and since it's the first time for you, I would suggest you to keep it short and have them over for 2.5-3 weeks . The first half of the week will go in jet lag so you will only be left with 2 weeks which is not that hard to manage right ? Weekdays you will be busy with work so you only get few hours after coming home so keep your conversation to minimum. Weekends can be spent in sightseeing or something to keep them busy . Or you can book some tour for 1,2 days for them if they are willing to go by themselves .

2) We cannot expect the world to change for us and in laws and parents are set in their ways and noway can they change anything about them just for us . Infact , most of the time they don't even realize or admit that they can make mistakes. If you think that they will stop dictating or criticizing or appreciate you for inviting them over to your house ,then you are already setting yourself up for some disappointment. I can see how much you want to mend your relationship with them by forgetting the past and inviting them over by risking it all but they may not see your efforts or appreciate the same. You will save yourself from some heartache if you lower your expectations from them. Even if you do the best for them , expect that not everything will be hunky dory . As much as we all love peace and happiness, issues crop up and that happens in every family . It's up to us as to how we react to it . I have seen that sometimes people criticise us because they want some reaction ot of us and when we react they feel like they have achieved something . If we ignore them , our silence kills them and it pinches them so hard when we don't respond . For minor issues , just walk away but if they do cross their boundaries ,please be firm with them . Anyway, it's a matter of few days and with right skills and tactics , things can be avoided or at least controlled to some extent if you know how to play your cards well. If everything goes little better than what you expect then great, but if things go down south ...well, at least you tried so you get to keep the good karmas . Nonetheless, your kid will definitely will have a blast with her grandparents.

 

OMG. ..feels like I am reading my life story. But actually felt relieved to know that similar situation is there with a few others also. Otherwise have always felt that may be the fault is just mine that I want to host pils on one hand and on the other can't keep silent on their negative comments. But over the years, they have also understood that respecting boundaries is a must for a relationship. Don't expect praise for your sewa because praise from in-laws in reserved for their son exclusively. Just do what you can without compromising on your self respect.Because if you keep silent to maintain peace,the abusive cycle might start again.Have been in such a situation earlier. So be a good host with limited interaction. If your hubby can give some more time at home during their stay,take his help. It works as they are generally are less negative in front of their son.Your dh would be happy to pitch in as although he might not be taking the initiative to invite them, deep inside he wants this relationship between you and your pils to be cordial. My advice is purely on what I have experienced.

 

No need to feel guilty, period. This is just another version of comparing yourself with others.
Each of us may have a different story altogether. We dont know wat is really going on in someone s else's life. Therefore I dont see a reason to lament. May be some of ur friends share a good rapport with in laws and therefore have a good time with them. Fair enough, it is their life. In case you have been haunted by some bitter past experiences, please dont take any emotional decisions.
It is ur life. Dont mess it to by giving others a chance to decide for you.

 

Also remember that the pictures on Facebook not always depict the truth. Don't take those pics so seriously. I have seen people posting a perfect picture there when the picture is not that rosy in reality.

 

Dear OP,

What has happened is past. One way of looking at things could be, it could have been worst too.
The guilt is due to the fact you think you could have handeled the situation differently.

Guilt is a negative emotion that drains you and make you feel heavy. Thus, first you need to heal yourself from this. You can do it yourself by answering your mind.

Why bad interactions in past-- May be you and your PIL were both right from their point of view. It could be you just could not see each other's perspective. Can you go in past and change it-- No. So,what can you do about it now?

Forgive them and yourself too for past. If you feel like apologizing them on phone then do it. It will make you feel light. Do not bring your ego into this. Start fresh, think of good qualities of your PIL. Pray for their well being and send them good wishes in your thought everytime you pray or medidate.

If you are making effort for a happy interactions now, It might happen your love might not get reciprocated in the same way. Nevermind, the fact that you are being good to them now, will boost your self-esteem and make you feel light.

Stay blessed