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Should a women lie about her physical past with other Men?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by abcdguy, Feb 1, 2012.

Where you Honest with your Husband about your Past?

  1. Yes

    72.7%
  2. No

    27.3%
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  1. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Can u please explain how collecting statistics about women and men on an anonymous forum will help you solve ur problem at hand or gain a better understanding of it ?
     
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  2. abcdguy

    abcdguy Silver IL'ite

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    JustAnotherGirl,

    Its a moral ground of what I feel is appropriate or not. We all have issues we hold as important to us because of the way we were raised. You are correct, when we have differences in morality, we do tend to judge them based on our own standards.

    ABCDGuy
     
  3. abcdguy

    abcdguy Silver IL'ite

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    JustAnotherGIrl,


    There really isn't an issue at all with my Fiances past. I have come to terms with the fact there is nothing I can do, and she loves me now. Its more to bring out the question of hypocrisy and double standards that exist with many of the opinions given within this forum.

    Everyone here recommends to tell tell the truth and etc, but I doubt many have. Its more a question to the board, to think about. WE tell others to do one thing, but we don't do it ourselves? Interesting...
     
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  4. abcdguy

    abcdguy Silver IL'ite

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    A marriage requires many things, and one of the most important is forgiveness. You can't move on with any issue without forgiving the other person genuinely. I never claimed I am on a higher ground, I have many faults she must look past as well, and made many mistakes where only forgiveness can be the solution.
     
  5. Naksh

    Naksh Platinum IL'ite

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    OKay comming there.
    Answer: I was not. I dint tell her. dint want to hurt her - there is no need for her to know n worry about my past when she was not even in my life.

    Soemtime Postmarriage - i did nto want her to know it fomr somebody else - so i told her. It did hut her even.....people tend to compare themselevs to the past flames.....which is not good. She is an excellent person.. has been great and took extreme care not to hurt - she is fine with that but osmetimes she unkowingly compares herself with ex and feels inadequate. which is not true.

    which is why i prefer keeping it a secret. that would work for me n my case.
     
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  6. abcdguy

    abcdguy Silver IL'ite

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    Naksh,

    I personally wish my Fiance lied about her past as well. She was honest with me. It was a hard issue to deal with, but like everything, you get over it and move on. Because India still has a very high double standard in terms of a women's virtue, when a man hears about a women's past he tends to get a bit more upset then the other way around.

    ABCDGUY
     
  7. SallyR

    SallyR Silver IL'ite

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    I don't think there is anything to forgive about past relationships...either you accept the past or you don't...what is there to forgive?

    Now to answer your question, I didn't have a significant past to tell my hubby...I have had my share of crushes and he knows all about them.

    I do think honesty is the best policy. We should be honest about our past but without going into details. It helps in handling any awkward moments that might creep up...like a friend saying something the spouse didnt know about.
     
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  8. azalea

    azalea Silver IL'ite

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    No, abcdguy. A marriage requires trust and respect for love to build on. Forgiveness is the by product of trust and respect. Look, there are many kinds of people in this world. What may mean the world for A may not mean the same way for B. It does not mean that B is right and A is wrong. Both have the freedom to follow their hearts and both are right. So when people say 'forget the past', it does not mean that it should not matter to you. Having said that, in my opinion, I think you should not get married to this girl because her past obviously matters to you. You are not able to get past it. Even though you say, you forgive her ( and here, I don't think that she committed a crime towards you to require forgiveness from you), you still are hung on to it. The argument that you gave for forgiving is pretty twisted. There is every chance that you will bring this issue into any arguments that you will have with her. True forgiveness comes when you truly love her enough to look past her past and no matter what, you will never mention it come what may. Only when you can do it, then say that you forgave her. She has been honest with you. Give her credit for that.

    If the issue of being with other men in the past bothers you so much, then let go of her and look for another relationship. It does no good to either yours or her mental state to delve into this issue. And hope that she will find somebody who will accept her as she is. After all, isn't love all about accepting a person as he/she is?
     
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  9. abcdguy

    abcdguy Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Azela,

    I think all the virtues are required in a marriage: 1) Compromise, 2) Love, 3) Trust, 4) Respect, 5) Love, and etc. Its foolish to believe there is any hierarchy which is most important as all these elements can encapsulate each other. For example, if someone LOVES another person, then he will naturally compromise, trust, and respect them. This can be said for most fundamental virtues. They encompass each other.

    You make a good point, It is thorugh forgiveness that I have accepted her as she is. I know that is a bit confusing, but I really don't know many men that would be 'ok' hearing about their future wife's past and not be upset.

    ABCD



    The fundamental problem that many women seem to understand is the past


     
  10. nowhere

    nowhere Senior IL'ite

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    Forgiving is for the hiding part! May be the other party didn't want to be nth man of his wife.
     
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