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she asked for my suggestion and I need yours!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Happy2be, Dec 23, 2011.

  1. Happy2be

    Happy2be Gold IL'ite

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    One of my cousins at in laws side who is quite close to me..of my age..is now opening up with me after 5 yrs of her marriage. she has a 2 yr old DD. Is married into a well educated..well earning...but typical Damaad JI..ladke wale kinds of family. Her in laws are not bad at all...lover her care for her..but just that the atmosphere upbringing..expectations from a DIL are different as at my place,be it my parents side or my in laws. So having been brought up in a comparaatively easy atmosphere it wasnt really easy for her to adjust to such changes after marriage...ARRANGED MARRIAGE. She used to alwaays take my MIL's advice for all her family matters..she is MIL's niece. Me and DH always felt that she is not approaching the right person for her family issues but we never said anything...she's quite close to DH too..as a real sister. Ups and downs at her in laws side..they want proper attention and have that attitude..An impression that her DH is always so very busy...never mixed up as such with any relatives on either side..thats kind of trend in her in laws family. She had 2 miscarriages, then was blessed with a lovely daughter...

    Now...the issue..her DH is very short tempered..at times bad mouths her...at times used to push her if she raised her voice or spoke for herself..Most matters, her in laws supported their son but just at times they subtly supported her but directly infront of their son. Few mths back we visited them and we got an impression in those 2-3 days that her DH has some kind of inferiority complex..is not comfortable amongst elders and has been in an upbringing where he is now not comfy having drinks with my DH, even in front of me..keeping aside the elders...But then that visit onwards she says he is getting inclined towards you guys specially brother.
    Few days back she calls and shares that since marriage he hasnt been interested as such in sex....Cousin SIL too is kind of introvert and being under influence of my MIL...I doubt she would have really initiated by herself or at least in a proper way. I always used to tell her to win his confidence first...win his trust that he has a friend in you..whenevr she would discuss with MIL, MIL would start kind of cursing her in laws or her misfortune about her conditions although they were not comnfortable but not that bad either..Main issue..her in laws dont allow her to visit her parents as per her own wish or their invitation, even if its a get together...function at her parents place...she comes say max once or twice a year and her parents go once a yr or so...otherwise they treat her with love n care and every possible comfort but she has not been given freedom to spend on her own till yet...but she never showed much discomfort about this as she never had been a girl who would like to take up respnsibilities other than kitchen. She is beautiful and educated but it was mutually decided that they would want her to be housewife before marriage.
    Now, she is disturbed that since her DD is born, they never had sex....he has no interest...when after an yr of their marriage her, in laws asked their family plans and she told them this, they helped her in all ways to get DH closer to herself but all in vain..All happend just to have a kid and that too just happened somehow as a consious planned process not natural fmily or love life. She says he masturbates almost thrice a week...but when they used to try to have sex, he didnt get a proper erection and used to lose interest very fast...watches some blue films, as she feels..she knows all this but is not sure whthere her DH knows that she knows about this. She says if she puts in extra effort like sexy dressing or getting intimate or something , DH gets annoyed....he has no extra marital affairs and his close friends are almost the same with their nature...attitude and family life..She says he feels weak physically almost always..tired..irritated at small things..but herself says that he is a good man at heart and she keeps assuring him to build his confidence but that helps for just a few days and same atmosphere again. Now, she too has started losing temper frequently as she gets tired with baby and household and he is kind of second baby in her house..they live separately from in laws. They eat out..move out....but have no sexual life. She had doubts - is masturbation wrong.. is that affecting his physical health n all...he wont ever go to a doctor and would get damn angry if he gets to know she discussed this with anyone on earth...but she wants to cure this part of her life. ALthough she too is not sexually too active, as she says, but doesnt want a zero either.
    I discussed with DH...he says its a very sensitive matter..she didnt handle it with proper advice in the starting...then did it hastily to make it right within a few days....and if we suggest her...dont know how she will understand..how she will implement and if ever this leaks out to her in laws, it will give very bad results....but DH too wants to help her..We are in a fix how to help her and what to suggest her. SO I AM HERE LADIES !! Plz pour in your advice
     
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  2. Happy2be

    Happy2be Gold IL'ite

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    no one felt like posting a suggestion :-(
     
  3. priya g

    priya g Senior IL'ite

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    Hi happy2b,
    You have shared the problem of your SIL. Now, considering her traditional background and her DH's ill-temper, she needs to be very careful while handling him as she is scared of the things revealing out etc etc.
    I would suggest a good talk with the DH, maintaining one's figure, working out and sexily dressing up to attract his attention & getting real busy with good friends and gymming.

    She should first understand that she needs to stop being afraid of his anger and instead try to understand why he has a complex or whats actually bothering him. Is he out of job or has a problem there? Sex doesnt come suddenly...one must enjoy time as a copule, have fun, watch movies, go out and meet friends.
     
  4. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    I think it is her problem and she, an adult, should figure out how to solve it rather than an outsider intervening. But the feel i get from your post is that her husband is not attracted to her.. In arranged marriages it happens so. One may not necessarily be attracted to their partner. As an honest confession, I never felt attracted to my partner after my marriage. I just let him do his stuff. For me, it was more an emotional thing than a physical thing. My partner showed no emotional affection and care towards me. Obviously we both were not on the same page. After a point, i felt better off not getting intimate at all, especially after my child was born.
    So my guess is something similar is happening in their life too. May be their romantic needs are different. May be they both are not on the same page.
     
  5. indus2

    indus2 Senior IL'ite

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    First, this is something the couple can figure out better but I have my 2 cents on the issue -
    1. How does the wife know that the hubby masturbates thrice a week and watches **** ? If he is able to ejaculate thrice a week, in my view he doesnt have any physical issues that requires a doctor's visit.
    2. What are the kind of women that interest him ? There are subtle signs when a guy likes a woman - observe him, who does he talk to more often ? what are the traits he likes to see in a woman ? The wife doesnt have to change drastically but minor tweaks to the husband-wife can create a psychological inclination for sex. For example, when me and my wife fight too much over something trivial, I lose my inclination for physical intimacy. If my wife were able to look at things in a lighter vein without worrying too much about small stuff, I think we would have good conversation and physical intimacy much more than what we have now. In my wife's perspective, if I paid more attention to detail and didnt consider cleanliness and timeliness as trivial issues, we would have a good conversation and physical intimacy would be much more than what we have now. So, it depends on what each partner wants and whether the other partner can make small tweaks in behavior to provide that mental stimulus for sex. The stimulus doesnt have to be about sex so I think it will be counter-productive if the wife suddenly starts wearing slutty outfits or suddenly gets too aggressive.
    3. Have you tried a massage on him (play some soothing music) that naturally continues into oral sex ? I think Indian couples shy away from such things (purely my view, feel free to disagree !) or dont have time for it but it can lead to a healthy and enjoyable sex life.
     
  6. Happy2be

    Happy2be Gold IL'ite

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    Priya..riya..indus..thanks for your replies... I shared all this in best possible way with her and also told her that there might be many other things which either she is not noticing or not comfy to share with me and it would be better if she now tries to unveil all this by herself to avoid any ego issues..in case he gets to know she shred such personal matters with me.. As for all your questions above...
    She has seen him do stuff....pretending to be asleep so as not to make him all the more conscious.. Yes I too told her that it means he is fine physically..
    She is beautiful but dresses typical indian ways..may be he doesnt feel attracted that way...she says she tried other way but I personally doubt she has the proper knowhow of slow intimacy and proper dressing that way..but my DH tells me to keep out of this suggestion :)
    What kind of sex she can try out...is something I myself can't think of suggesting her....I don't feel we are that close to each other.
    Her DH has never had any female friends and their family trend is such that all ladies, be it sisters, mother, bhabhi etc..should be respected..friendly too in respective manner...no naughty stuff with any woman ever taken.
    She herself has always been figure conscious and keeps herself maitained in that respect...she says he likes motherly care and is not a romantic person from day one. Otherwise she says he loves her..is a good person at heart and is dependent on her for all his needs and advices be it in any sense.
    There are many other aspects which me and DH felt are very influencing in this matter as she is a cousin and we can never be sure of what we know is what part of the reality, so I kind of told her that I am out of it...
    Thanks for your replies friends.
     

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